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Dear Readers,
Word on the street is that Harper Kennedy sold her house for a cool six point eight million dollars. Damn, girl, that’s loads of cash! You could buy a whole town for that kind of money.
While I’m sending my girl all the love and light, I’m pretty devastated. Being a Hollywood insider like I am, I happen to know where Harper lives. I hope this doesn’t sound too stalkery, but I’ve driven by several times in hopes of seeing her.
I don’t plan on stopping and bothering her, I just want to yell out words of encouragement. “I adore you! Stay strong! Ride that cowboy!”
Alas, I haven’t spotted her. But on the very off chance the divine Miss H reads my blog, here it is—Go forth and make a happy life, lady. You deserve it!
Crying in My Dishes,
Ferris Biltmore
* * *
I’ve lived in this house for a decade. For ten years, I’ve nested and nurtured here. I’ve also stuck my head in the sand and pretended my life wasn’t a melodrama of epic proportions. But either way, this has been my home, my sanctuary.
“When are the movers coming?” Prisha walks into my living room, looking over a stack of boxes blocking her view of me.
“Four days,” I tell her. “Their first stop will be Goodwill.”
“Buck up, friend. You look like a puddle of sadness over there.”
I look up at her with tears in my eyes. “I’m going to miss you so much, Prish. You’re not only my best friend and godmother to my kids, but you’re like a sister. I’m nothing without you and Ethan. Come with me,” I beg.
“Wish I could, but Tanya Freeport just broke parole—she was found at Club Cool with a needle in her arm. While par for the course with that one, this is particularly bad as she’s got a world-tour booked. Ethan and I need to work our magic and get things on track.”
Nodding my head, I say, “Just because I’m leaving the business, doesn’t mean everyone else is, huh?”
“Well, I’m not. This town’s inability to behave is going to pad my bank account with enough cha-ching to retire by fifty. But remember how Ethan was planning a sabbatical to write that book on the celebrity legal battles?”
“Yeah. He said he was going to do that next summer.”
“He’s starting as soon as we figure out how to fix Tanya’s latest leap off the wagon.”
“Maybe I can talk him into doing it in Illinois. We could set up an office for him in my parents’ barn or something.” I’m joking but I’m not joking. I need my friends.
Prisha laughs. “Yo, Bessie, can you hand me the printer paper? What about you, piggy wiggy, want to eat lunch together? No BLT’s, I promise.”
“What am I going to do without you guys?” While I know the best thing for me and the kids is to move away from here, it’s going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My mom will spend every waking moment trying to feed us, my dad will talk endlessly about corn rot and the demon corporations who are trying to make small farms extinct. Even worse, I just know they won’t be able to stop themselves from criticizing Brett in front of the kids. I’m going to have to put my foot down on that one though. Criticizing him is like rejecting fifty percent of my children’s DNA. That can’t happen.
If that’s not bad enough, every time I go into town, someone is going to stop me to lament my tragic life.Poor Harper, getting cheated on by Helioman and having to come home.
“I’ve got to head out for a couple hours,” Prisha interrupts my pity party. “I’ll be back with supper though. I’m ordering Thai.”
“Can you get something not so spicy for the kids?” I ask.
“Sheila and I thought we’d take them to In-N-Out for their last double-double in a while. Then we thought we’d stop by Brett’s place so they can spend some time with him.”
“You’re the best, Prish. But don’t order food just for me. I can make a sandwich or something.”
I watch as she walks out the front door, leaving me alone in my malaise.
Finally peeling myself away from the living room, I go upstairs and help the kids pack their rooms. Liam greets me with, “Are you sure we have to go to Illinois, Mom?”
Neither of the kids are excited about the move, which makes it harder to go through with. “I know you’re going to miss your dad,” I tell him. “But he’s going to be in Latvia for several months, so he won’t even be here.”
After Galaxy let Brett go, he jumped at the first offer he got: playing the villain, Sir Dickle Buttmunch, in an Austin Powers reboot. Oh, how the mighty have fallen …
