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“But you desire a love match.”
“And I will have one.”
His jaw clenched, the muscle jumping. “You already could, Thea. You are the only reason we are not announcing our good news and rejoicing in the possibility of a happy future. I want to be your husband. I want to kiss you, and I want to hold your hand under the table exactly like James and Felicity do when they think no one is looking. Why will you not let me love you?”
His plea was not without power. It filtered through my limbs, shaking me to the bones. A flicker of doubt rocked my perfectly constructed walls of protection.
Benedict seemed to sense my waning commitment to my goals. He took a step closer and reached up tentatively to drag his fingertips lightly over my cheekbone and trace my jaw. It sent shivers volleying down my neck, and my chest heaved while I tried to regain my breathing. He smelled so good, so familiar, and I wanted to inhale deeply so I would always remember this scent.
“I am not your father, Thea. I am different, and I will prove it to you.” He picked up my hand, turned it over to reveal my naked wrist, and pressed a kiss to the tender skin there.
My body flushed with heat. I wanted that feeling forever, and the feeling of his lips made my thoughts swim. Snatches of memories flicked around in my head of Benedict with Miss Dodwell, him smiling down at his dancing partners, the opera woman hanging from his arm, and I shook my head and stepped back. I pulled my hand free and at once felt his absence. Did he not see how difficult this was for me too?
My voice was strangled when I spoke. “Even if you are not like my father, I would spend the rest of my life wondering if you were going to turn into him. I cannot live a life so full of angst and fear. I won’t do it. It would be better to marry a man I did not love than to marry you and worry that I would lose you.”
“It’s foolishness. Can you not see that? Your reasoning isn’t sound. It’s ridiculous.”
“And that is meant to change my mind?”
He stepped back. “Fine. I will stop trying to change your mind, Thea. It is clearly made up, and there is nothing I can do to alter it. So go off tonight and find yourself a man. In fact, you might as well shoot for a lord, for I know Keene or Hampton would fall for you in a heartbeat.”
“Maybe Iwillfind a lord. Then at least I will approach my marriage with complete expectations,” I snapped, meeting his ire with equal exasperation.
“That is wise. You cannot be disappointed if you do not allow yourself to hope, yes? Is that the foolish mantra you choose to live by?”
My breaths came in heaving, vicious waves. I wanted to both shove Benedict away and pull him in and earnestly apologize for being so rash, but I’d dug this terrible hole, and I was now forced to stand in it. I turned away from him and marched down the stairs, careful to draw long, slow breaths and calm myself before facing Felicity.
I would master these feelings.
I would master my emotions.
And tonight, to prove to Benedict how little he’d affected me, I was going to dance with a lord.
Chapter30
BENEDICT
It was usually impossible to remain angry with Thea, but tonight I was doing a spectacular job of it. Her stubborn obstinance was going to be the death of me, and I wondered why I so fully loved a woman who drove me to such distraction.
Well, she was fiercely independent, for one thing, and I greatly admired her ability to work hard for the things she cared deeply about. Not very many women of my acquaintance would be willing to slum in the kitchens of a great house and wash dishes merely so they might chart their own path. There was also the way she teased me, which was awfully entertaining when it wasn’t driving her under my skin. Or the way she carried such a passionate energy about her it was impossible not to smile in her company—even amidst the teasing.
But tonight I could not remove her resolute face from my mind when she announced we would never be together. Was it idiocy or hope that allowed me to persist in trying to win her around? I loved her. She as much as admitted that she loved me too.Notbeing together was utter nonsense.
I slid into the small study on the lower floor of our rented townhouse and found Henry there. I craved his steady company and reassuring stability. Perhaps I could convince him to go out with me and drown my frustrations in fisticuffs. I dropped into the chair beside him and leaned my head against the top of the padded cushion.
He waited a minute before speaking. “You are not going to the ball?”
My eyes were closed, and I kept them that way. “No. Thea does not want to admit that she loves me, so what is the point? I only came to London for her.”
“I did tell you she would not wait forever.”
I looked at him. “Such wisdom you showed, knowing how I felt before I was willing to admit it myself.”
“Well, it was painfully obvious,” Henry muttered. “What is less apparent is why you are running away from her now.”
“I asked her to save a dance for me tonight, and she refused me. She is being stubborn, and I cannot make her see reason.” I understood the validity of her fears. Indeed, after speaking with James and Felicity about Mrs. Rossi, I could see how Thea had come to the conclusions she had. But if she never allowed me to prove myself, how was I to change her mind?
“So you are leaving her to go off to the ball to dance with all the other gentlemen without so much as a fight?”
