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But hadn’t that very facet of her personality caused her to make some of the worst decisions in her life, as well? Decisions like Jeb and the loser boyfriends she’d had before him? No—no matter which way she looked at it, she couldn’t regret her time with Jeb no matter how much it had cost her and how much heartache he’d wrought. Without him, she wouldn’t have had JJ. Becoming a parent had made her realize just what her father had sacrificed for her all these years and deepened her love for him a thousandfold. Her dad had worked hard to make up for her mother’s abandonment, and while he’d had lady friends come and go through the years, Raina had never felt as if she’d lacked for not having her mother with her growing up.
Which brought her to even more questions. Was it in JJ’s best interests for her to keep allowing Nolan access to them both if he was going to abandon them like he might have done already with his own family? Raina had learned the hard way, time and time again, what abandonment felt like, how much it hurt. Could she even consider risking that for JJ? He was still so young. Still so reliant on her to protect him.
And what of Nolan’s wife? Was she someone Raina had met before? Someone she came across in her day-to-day life? She hated the thought that for some poor soul she might become the other woman.
Her mind was whirling with so many worries that she barely noticed the pageant was up to the final number. The children were singing “Silent Night” and the audience had joined in. Beside her, the sound of Nolan’s tenor forced her attention back to the present. Sometimes, she reminded herself, you simply had to let go and let God. Maybe it really was as simple as that.
She felt herself begin to relax a little as she joined in for the final lines of the carol. But then a jarring thought sideswiped her. For all her ponderings she hadn’t stopped to consider the situation with Jeb or the very large sum of money she had in her purse right now.
With the pageant over, people began to rise from their seats and jostle one another on the way to the main doors. Raina felt Nolan’s hand at her elbow, steadying her in the crush as they filed out of their row of seats. Raina turned to him.
“I have to go out the back and collect JJ. Please don’t rush off. I know he’s going to want to see you.”
“And you? Do you want to see me?” Nolan asked, pulling Raina to one side so the crowd could eddy past them without bumping them again.
“I’ll be honest—I really don’t know. Part of me says, yes, but—”
“I understand. If you’d rather, you can make my apologies to JJ.”
She could see the hurt in his eyes, watched the light in them dim a little. It made up her mind.
“Come back to our house for a hot chocolate with JJ. He’s going to take some time to unwind before getting off to bed tonight anyway.”
Nolan looked at her and she saw the slight curl at the edges of his lips. “Are you sure? I understand if you—”
“No.” It was her turn to interrupt him. “I’m sure. Look, he’s waiting. I’ll see you back at the house, okay?”
“I’ll wait for you in the parking lot,” Nolan said in a voice that brooked no argument. “And I’ll follow you home.”
Knowing he’d be there, waiting in the darkness outside, made Raina feel warm inside. And when Jeb showed up for his money, either outside the hall or later, back at her house, she’d deal with it then. Actually, thinking about it, having Nolan handy might make the whole process go more smoothly. She doubted Jeb would try anything stupid with another person there.
“Okay, that’s good of you. Thank you.”
Later, with JJ in tow and wrapped up again in his winter coat and beanie, they walked quickly to the car. As good as his word, Nolan had pulled up his SUV alongside hers and was waiting in the frigid air.
“Did you see me, No’an?” JJ asked excitedly as they approached the car.
“I did, champ. You were great.”
Her little boy’s smile made Raina glad she’d asked Nolan back to the house. JJ had had enough of her short-tempered company this week. Goodness only knew, if Nolan hadn’t been there tonight, she wouldn’t have thought twice about taking JJ home—no doubt kicking and screaming—over the costume issue.
She looked around the parking lot for Jeb. But among all the families loading their preschoolers into their cars and saying bye to their friends, there was no sign of him. Maybe he’d turn up at the house, she decided as she drove along the road toward home. She flicked her eyes to the rearview mirror, reassured by the sight of Nolan’s vehicle following her at a safe distance. She was all over the place as far as he was concerned. If only she could trust her heart and they could discover exactly where this complicated relationship of theirs could go. But she’d trusted her heart before and look where that had landed her. She didn’t want to ever go through that again.
