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Chapter 8
“…And that’s how you know you really love them: you forgive. Even if they didn’t apologize.” - Forgiveness
Natasha
I pick up my phone, the only thing here that is truly mine, and I go out the white doors that lead to the pool. It is a gorgeously manicured area; palm trees, and other plants making it look like a tropical oasis. But, it looks rarely used. That is how most of the house feels other than the den and the bedroom where I stay, which only feel used because I am here. I know that Anton has an office in this place. I think it is probably the least lonely room in the house, but I don’t want to venture in there knowing that’s where I will surely find him. I don't know if I am ready to find him.
I have on the most modest thing I could find for sunbathing, a one-piece black suit with a pair of shorts over it. I sit down on one of the chairs where I can just relax and look up at the clear sky. Miami is so different from Seattle where it is always cloudy or raining. There is a certain beautiful melancholy to it. Here, there is always sun, always a reason to be in as little clothing as possible. That is what had made it a fun trip for Bethany and I and exactly what makes it less than ideal for being trapped in a large house with a rich and powerful monster.
I hate this. I will be the first one to admit it. I hate that this place makes me feel the most alone I have been in years. Knowing that I am the last of the Constantin’s makes me feel even more that way. Despite all the house staff and goons, it just feels empty. “Maybe if I am lucky, some alligator will come up from the water to the house and eat me,” I joke into the emptiness surrounding me.
What I hate the most, though, is being so close to Anton, having gotten close to him in the first place. It leaves me stuck in this strange limbo that I do not know the way out of; either by sin or repentance.
I was so used to the way he held me and possessed me, the way his lips felt when they were on mine. I remember how our bodies would just mold together after a night of intense sex. These are the things that make it hard to deny him any contact with me, even though he is not the man I thought. He is practically holding me hostage and showing his true colors behind closed doors when he thinks I don't know, don't see, and don't hear him. I can't let it get to me.
But I miss all of it. I miss the way we drove each other crazy and the way it just all seemed to fit like puzzle pieces. I hate that I am in love with him.
But, I am.
I juggle my phone in my hands and wonder how much longer I will be allowed to keep it. I need to use it to keep up pretenses, or to get out of this mess. Either way, I am afraid, afraid to tell anyone anything because I don't even know how to get the words straight in my head much less out of my mouth.
I dial a number I know by heart, my best friend who I oddly have not seen in a very long time. We usually see each other at least once a week if not more. She is probably wondering where I am and what I am up to at this point, even if she figures I am with Anton. She answers enthusiastically, and I smile to myself. This is my one reprieve from everything I feel. The only catch is I can’t tell her that I am not okay, that I am not supposed to be here. I can’t bring myself to drag her into this mess with the Clans when it could lead to her destruction. What kind of friend would I be then?
“You’re in Miami, aren’t you?” she asks, knowing that Anton was in town not too long ago. She is so intuitive for someone who people look at and assume, by her body type and hair color, is dumb. She is not at all.
“Yes, that I am,” I admit. “I am sorry I didn't tell you. It was a last-minute thing, and things have just been kind of crazy since then.” None of that was a lie at least. “How are you?” I ask her.
“No way, Tasha! You are not going to change the subject to me like that. I am just fine, but I want to know how things are going in Miami with your alpha male.”
I give a little laugh. I wish this was something I could just be gushing to her about, the simple trip to see my boyfriend I want her to believe that I am on. The truth is, I don’t even know when I will be allowed to go back, if I ever will go back to Seattle. This sunny environment doesn't feel like home, especially with the Clan business looming over me like the shadow of a monster.
“It’s all going okay,” I tell her. I don't have the heart to give a full on detailed lie. She will see right through me, and it doesn't feel right anyway. I am okay, not my best, but I am okay. That is what matters and what she needs to know.
“Okay then, you can be tightlipped all you want now, but when you make it back I am going to find you and extract all the details from you,” Beth says into the receiver, a cute threat. I smile at the thought of getting back to her and spilling all. It is a dream that may get me through this yet.
I am about to say something else when I feel hands on my shoulders and jump out of my skin with a loud gasp.
“Sorry,” I tell Bethany, looking behind me to see that Anton is standing there, having snuck up on me. I didn’t even know if he was home. “I have to go for now. Anton just snuck up on me. I will call you back later.”
“Yes, you will!” she tells me with a laugh just before I hang up; before a cold chill hits me despite the heat of the Miami air.
“I need you to hear me out, please,” Anton asks me before I can tell him to go away or snap at him for even being out here when he knows I don't want anything to do with him. He may be a lot of things, but I don't think he’s stupid.
“Well,” I say unamused, waiting for him to get on with whatever excuse or horrible thing he has to say next. I don't know why he bothers if I am just a prisoner or a prize to him. He doesn’t have to make me like him or forgive him or anything.
“I am sorry for what I had to do. I did it for everyone's safety. If I had left it alone, what else could he have done?” I took that part to be rhetorical. I could not imagine Jan hurting someone without a reason, even within the Clans. It just didn't make sense, but that ship has sailed.
“I can’t handle you both ways, Anton. I am done with it. You can either treat me with the respect I deserve and maybe stand a chance of me not hating you, or you can treat me like the trophy that I am to you,” I inform him. I see his eyes go dark and then a wave of shock coming over him. “That's right. I hear things. I heard you speaking with those damn goons of yours about me being a trophy, Anton. You think I don't know, but I do know. And yet, every time you try to get to know me, to have dinner with me, to apologize, it’s like you are a different man. I may be able to breed their next leader for Clan Constantin, but as far as I am concerned, I have nothing to do with the Clans right now. I shouldn’t be treated like I do unless you are cutting off the other side of yourself and everything we had before. Know what you're doing if that’s what you choose.”
