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Chapter 20
You are at once both the quiet and the confusion of my heart. - Franz Kafka
Anton
I know I really should be pissed at Natasha. In fact, for a moment there, I was pissed at Natasha. I was thinking that she had told her father, someone I knew she was not that close to, that she was pregnant and had not told me, the father of the child. Now I realize that her father has used his connections to get this information and was possibly trying to ruin this for us. It doesn't surprise me. I'm not going to call the man directly out on it either. I want to keep this deal going too badly. However, I cannot blame Tasha for something her father is doing behind her back.
What I can do is blame her for the fact that she held the information back for 2 weeks.
I tried to see her side of things. It’s not exactly like she was planning on getting pregnant. I'm not a woman, so I do not understand the consequences or the thoughts that go through your mind when you find out something of this nature. So, how can I expect to judge?
Fuck it.
To be honest, I can't really be pissed. Hey, I can't be pissed because of what having a baby means. I have known for a while now that I want Natasha forever. Because of her last name, the Clan she is heir to, and she is incredibly hot, smart, and amazing in everything she does.
I want her. I want her to be mine every day of the week for the rest of my life. Even though I have a ring on her finger, it doesn't mean so much. For all I know she could be playing along. I could easily do something that pisses her off yet again. She could change her mind.
But a baby, that's different.
If she is carrying my child she's going to think twice about leaving me. That means forever. A family means forever. And I don't think Natasha Kolosov and I feel differently about it especially with what she's been through with her father. She wants the baby to have a father, and I am its father.
I'm fucking thrilled about our future together. Our very long future. And I will fucking make sure that nobody fucks with my family. It will be a long life together.
I walk into the kitchen to see her taking it over. I like the way she looks so comfortable there with her hair piled on top of her head, wearing clothes that she bought on a recent shopping trip with her best friend. A trip I funded because I knew she needed it. She looks like she belongs here. Like she is at home. I want this to be her home.
Natasha has two burners going on the stove. There are ingredients spread across the counter. She seems not to be paying attention to her surroundings, me included. I don't even think she knows that I've walked into the room.
I am careful to not get burned again while I remove the cooking utensils from her hand and place them safely on the countertop. Full attention on me now, she turns around to face me. I press my body up against her and I can feel the heat radiating off her.
My lips land on hers, roughly parting them so that my tongue can slide inside. Somehow, it is like I'm chasing her for the very first time. Just knowing that she's carrying my child makes everything with her feel brand new.
My hands are on her, even though she's got something boiling and something on the stove. I hope I haven't ruined a meal. But I think I'm going to indulge in a little bit of dessert first. I do after all, have an unquenchable sweet tooth.
I lift her onto the countertop just like she weighs nothing and wonder how long it will be before I can't do this, before she has that wonderful bump on her.
Like this Natasha is actually at eye level. I'm not trying to get to her eyes, though, or even her face. Instead, I lift her chiffon shirt to look at her stomach which is already slightly rounded. It's not something you can see through her clothes, but it's there.
My lips go down to her stomach, kissing it many times. I know that I'm not just kissing her but also the child that we have together that's inside of her. Funny how the miracle of life does not exactly hit you until you know that someone around you is growing a life inside of them.
“I need you to know this. I want this. I want this baby, I want us, and I want a future together. I want a future with you. I wanted it before there was a deal with your father or I knew you were having my baby. This, however, makes it so much sweeter. And I have to tell you something else before I can’t because you know I'm a chicken-shit when it comes to this shit. Fuck, I can't believe I'm going to say this because I've never said it to anyone, but I am in love with you, Natasha. I'm so damn in love with you and your fiery personality.”
“You… you love me?” Natasha asks, blinking as if she doesn’t believe what she is hearing. It makes sense considering I have let my alpha attitude as the leader of a Clan get in the way of us and what I need to say to her so many times. I have let the strong part of me silence the part I believed to be weak. The thing is, I know better now. It takes strength to be in love and to make something work, and I am going to be so fucking strong for the two people I now love the most. I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, or what they look like. I love that child already because it is mine and because it is hers.
I see the tears begin to fall from her eyes. I have just given her power over me in some way. She wipes her tears and sniffles. “I am so sorry I don't know what's come over me. It must be the hormones,” she tells me, looking embarrassed. I know she's not the type of girl that usually just cries at things, especially like this. It probably is the hormones, but this is an important moment for us. We are going to remember this day for the rest of our lives.
“There is no need to be sorry. If this is a part of the process, then I am all for it. But even if it isn't, I know you are strong. I am grateful for that. And even if you don't feel the same way yet I am confident that you will because I know I am going to get us there.”
“No, it is not like that. I have known since you brought me here that I was falling in love with you. That is why it hurt so damn much when I figured out that you had been lying to me about who you were. That is why it was so hard for me to reconcile the fact that you were these two men, the monster that killed my uncle, and the man who'd been so sweet to me that connected with me so well. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am now. Where I can feel safe and comfortable with you. I still don't think we are where we were before, but I don't know if we ever will be or need to be there again.
I think this is more than that, something worth fighting for. I want you in my child's life. And it isn't just because that would be convenient, even though it is. It's because I think I am in love with you too. No, I know I am in love with you. But please don't use that against me,” she says to me, and my heart swells bigger than I ever thought it could. Hell, sometimes I wonder if I even have a damn heart. But now I guess I know that I do.
I pull her to me for another kiss. Something else is bubbling up in her now. I think it is in me too. I feel the need to have her, to hold her and to connect with her right now on a physical level. And it's not just about fucking now, though, I certainly hope we get to that. It is about being one and proving that we are a family. It’s about celebrating the beautiful news that I have now learned. It is about every day after this. It is about now.
Her body feels so warm against me and my hands as I slide over her belly which is still exposed. I hope I'm blessed enough to get to feel a kick in there one day. Right now, I satisfy myself by kissing down her neck and then to her collarbone, making her moan into me and melt into me.
She's still sitting on the counter, and I trail the kisses down her chest as I take her shirt off entirely and then move to her belly again. I kiss her skin.
Natasha’s breath is coming in jags now, and I know that she wants me. But I want to make it clear that this is not just about lust or sexual fulfillment. I need her. I think I will always need her.
