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Epilogue
All of me, loves all of you.
- John Legend
Natasha
Nina begins to stir in her bassinet, and I know what that means. Even though she is so small and helpless this child has a clock inside of her. She nails being right on the dot when it's time for Mama to feed her.
As I get up to scoop her into my arms and bring her to the sofa with me, I still can't believe even after 7 months since her birth that I am a mother. Other than my body, I think I should feel different, and yet, I don’t. It doesn’t feel real. I love it, don't get me wrong. It's nothing like I thought it would be.. It's just not exactly where I saw myself, and yet it works so well. It doesn't help that she is so beautiful. It is hard to think that Anton and I created this. Created this beautiful life form that is going to grow up to take on the world. I can feel it. She is a strong one. Hopefully stronger than I ever was in the beginning. Maybe stronger than I am now.
She coos as I hold her against my body, and I am filled with this overwhelming fuzzy feeling, this love that I have for her. When I look down at her, I see me. A miniature version of myself even though she's only 7 months old. She has my delicate skin and a tuft of deep red hair on top of her head. My cheekbones, my everything, except for one thing. When she opens her eyes and looks at me I can’t help but smile into the depths of those eyes. They are Anton's eyes, dark and filled with mystery.
Anton enters the room, he watches me begin to feed our daughter. He seems to think I'm the most beautiful thing on the planet, especially now that I've had his child. I almost feel like a goddess sometimes the way he looks at me, the way he worships me. He even still worships my body even though it feels a little different to me.
“So, it seems that Clan Constantin is warmed up to you,” Anton brings up, and I make sure that Nina got settled and is doing well before I look up at him again to have this conversation. I didn’t think I would be a breastfeeding mother but after Anton showed me all these articles on how it is for bonding and for Nina’s health, I hopped on board. It feels entirely natural now, not weird at all.
“I think it has something to do with my last name, or at least my former last name. They probably think my father is going to make an appearance at some point, not that I would be surprised considering he likes to show up at the most inconvenient times and places,” I say with an eye roll.
“No, I don't think it's just that. I think you have this commanding presence that is close to the same as your father's without quite the amount of cruelty. It is mesmerizing.”
I shake my head at this man with a smile on my face. He always jumps at the chance to give me a compliment these days. I don't know if he's making up for what this child has done to my body or for all the times that he fucked up before we finally got this right. It’s not perfect, but it's better.
As Nina finishes feeding I pull my shirt back together and cradle her as I go over to the window. I look out and I'm so happy that I can see the Space Needle. We are in Seattle right now for the summer, because back in Miami it's the middle of tourist Season, and I was not wanting to be there at this time of year while getting used to being a mother.
We split our time now between the two cities, Seattle and Miami, because we have to keep our faces scene for the Clans. We are running two of them right now, after all.
My cell phone goes off and instinctively I know who it is. It is Bethany, probably wanting to tell me about the date she had last night. She's found yet another man, but in my opinion this one is a keeper. Not only is he good looking, but he is also responsible. He's a little mysterious because he is always quiet when I see him, I think that's okay for Beth. Beth is so loud, she is enough for both of them in that department. The thought of that makes me laugh, and I make sure not to say that to her when I look down at the text message.
“Is that from Bethany?” Anton asks as he comes closer, his hands sliding across my shoulder and giving me a chill.
“Yes, it actually is Bethany. She's telling me all about her date last night.” Anton nods, and I think it's a little sweet. They've developed a good friendship between the two of them. I think he's almost as protective of her as he is of me. It's a great thing considering Bethany is really my family. She's much more my family than my father Sergei is. I am pretty sure Anton knows that. “She says he was a total gentleman always opening doors and pulling out chairs for her, and she was getting a little bit suspicious of him doing that for that. I told her that that's ridiculous that she must have just finally found her good man. She deserves a good man. Maybe she'll get married and have a baby too and our babies can be best friends, wouldn't that be nice?” Oh, my fucking god, being a mama has turned me to mush. I want all these silly things. I have different dreams now, dreams that I have never wanted before. I still love my shop, but now I want things having to do with babies and marriage and all of that yuck stuff. But you know what, Anton told me something once, that many people believe that love makes you weak, but it actually makes you stronger. I think I believe that more than ever now. And maybe that's how Nina, the beautiful baby in my arms will grow up to be strong, because both of us love her more than anyone has ever loved either of us before.
Anton just laughs at me, so I change the subject. It’s like he knows what I am thinking, but it’s not so scary anymore and is actually warming to me. I go back to talking about Clan business particularly a piece of business that I myself am worrying about. “Can you tell me if there has been any luck and tracking down Willow?” The Clan leader has been hanging on by a thread for a long time now. In fact, we have almost lost him in the hospital a few times now. The Clan is very stressed, and they need a leader. Now that women can rule a Clan, Willow has the potential to inherit a great deal of things. She'll have a lot on her shoulders. I can see how someone might run from that especially if she's gotten word of any of this. But apparently, she's been running for a long time. I have quite the harsh father myself, so I can understand. But she needs to be found in order to maintain the structure of the Clans.
“Unfortunately, there have not been any developments at all. I still have my men out there like everyone else. I guess this one is just good at hiding. I promise that you will be the first one to know when I find out anything, okay?”
I nod and sigh feeling pretty bad for the girl. She is traumatized because her father's been searching this long for her, she wouldn't dare trust any of us. I wish I could find her and take her under my wing. But I have my own things to deal with here in like two Clans and a 7-month-old baby.
Anton keeps looking at me, and I can feel his eyes on me. It's starting to get kind of creepy even though I love the way he looks at me sometimes. So, I go back to the couch humming a little song to Nina, and I catch his eyes with mine. I want to know what in the world he's thinking right now. “What the hell are you looking at? Why do you keep looking at me like that?”
“Would you believe me if I said it was because you were so beautiful?” I laugh at that knowing he is up to something, though I'm not quite sure what. I shake my head at him and look back down at Nina. He looks at us again, looking down at Nina and then back up at me and he gets this goofy grin on his face, one that I don't get to see very often considering he's always so composed. “I want another one,” Anton says simply. It's kind of ironic considering the news that I have for him than I've been holding back on because I didn't know quite how he would feel about it. I guess I know the answer to that now though.
I start laughing, and he looks at me sideways. “Well that's good because I'm pregnant again by the way.” In an instant he is coming to sit with us and giving a kiss to both of our foreheads.
“Are you serious?” he asks with a sparkle in his eyes. Anton loves the idea of children and a big family. I could tell the moment he reacted the way he did about me being pregnant with Nina. I am glad that I got through all my hang ups and married this man.
“I don’t think it’s something I would joke about,” I tell him, feeling slightly amused. He kisses me all over my face and leans down to kiss my abdomen like he did the very first time.
“I don’t think I could be any happier than I am right now. You are amazing and beautiful, and I love you. I fucking love you, Natasha,” he says. I don’t think I will ever tire of hearing it.
“Well, I fucking love you too.”
The End
