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The burning guilt eats away at my stomach and I wrap my arms around my trembling body.We’re silent, the staleness between us reflecting where our relationship stands. I remember who Iam, but Sam remembers who Iwas.
Saxon finally stands, his naked chest pronouncing what happened between us. Sam looks between us, his eyes suddenly filling with hot, angry tears. “No,” he gasps, “please god, no. Lucy, please, baby…tell me this isn’t what I think it is.” His raw plea breaks my heart.
I want to say so many things, but where do I start? This wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. My silence is the answer Sam needs. The blood whooshing through my ears is deafening, it’s almost painful to breathe.
“Sam…” I’m unable to finish however because Sam storms over to where Saxon stands and slams his fist into his jaw. Saxon’s head snaps back with a sickening crack as he staggers backward. He spits out a mouthful of blood and grins murderously.
“You motherfucker!” Sam roars, advancing forward, hitting Saxon over and over and over again. Saxon appears to take the beatings, not fighting back.
“No!” I try and break them up, but Sam pushes me aside, intent on drawing more blood. I fall on my behind, a hand flying to my mouth as I watch Sam beat Saxon to a bloody pulp.
“Fight me!” Sam shouts, delivering an uppercut that knocks Saxon to the floor. He kicks him in the ribs, the stomach, the face. Saxon remains silent however, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say he was accepting this beating as punishment for what we’ve done. But if that’s the case, then I deserve this beating as much as him.
“Sam, stop! Please! You’ll kill him! No!” My plea falls on deaf ears as Sam continues beating him, only content when he’s dead. The sound of Saxon’s pained grunts as he bravely accepts his fate is my undoing.
I can’t stand by and watch this act of violence. Without a second thought, I run over to Saxon and shield his curled body with my own. I throw my arms around him, protecting him just as he has protected me.
“Lucy, move!” Sam bellows, his anger burning all the way to my center.
“No!” My reply comes out muffled, as I’m cocooned around Saxon’s limp form. “Stop it. Leave him a-alone.” I frantically kiss his temple, his cheeks, his hair, I need to feel him, need to make sure he’s okay. When he inhales deeply, my body sags in relief. “I’m sorry,” I whimper into his ear. “This changes nothing between us.” It’s what I should have said when he asked me this question before. “I…love…you. Please forgive me.”
“I…love you… too.” Those broken words are all I need to hear.
I’m hugging Saxon with all my might and only become aware that Sam has left when a bloodcurdling scream fills the heavens and my name is repeated with an agonizing howl. I know I have to let go—just for now. I remove my body from Saxon’s and cover my mouth as Samuel’s anguished wails break my heart. It’s ripped from the center of my chest and stomped on as he begs for me to explain what’s going on.
But how can I choose? I’m torn.
Saxon makes the choice for me. “Go to him.” He limply raises his hand, gliding his pointer along the apple of my cheek.
I blink back my tears. “What?” Surely I didn’t hear him correctly.
However, when he attempts to sit upright and stubbornly points to the door, I know I heard him just fine. “I’m…okay.” The pause between his affirmation highlights the deception. So does the fact he’s clutching his side, breathing heavily through his nose.
“You are not okay,” I just as determinedly state. “Let me help you.” I’m thankful he allows me to steady him as he sways to the left. He squeezes his eyes shut, swallowing hard. The deep furrowing along his brow reveals he’s in a lot of pain, but he breathes through it, planting his palm on the floor to ground him. I wait, never breaking contact, never wanting to let him go.
Saxon’s eyes spring open and he looks at me, forlornly. “I’m not leaving you,” I exclaim, shaking my head as I recognize that look. He wants me to choose. Well, I choose him.
He reads my grim resolution and of course, fights me. “I’m fine. Samuel needs you more than I do right now. I just need to catch my breath. I’ll be out there in a minute.”
“Saxon,” I gasp, eyes widening. Why is he pushing me away? “I’m not going a-anywhere.” I fumble over my words, a breakdown looming.
“Lucy, just go. Go…before he does something stupid.” The guilt of what we did slashes at his face. Regardless of Sam’s sins, Saxon will always look after his little brother.
I reach out for him, tears stinging my eyes. “Saxon—”
“Lucy, please…” A tear trickles down my cheek when I hear Sam’s pleas. “He doesn’t remember. He has no idea what’s going on. If he hurts himself because of us…because of what I did… I will never forgive myself…and neither will you.”
We both understand that regardless of our feelings, Sam needs us. He may not deserve our compassion, but we’d never forgive ourselves if we abandoned him when he needed us the most.
Bending forward, I tenderly kiss Saxon’s cheek. A heavy weight settles in the pit of my stomach because I know now that Sam remembers— this is the beginning of the end.
“I love you.”
Saxon smiles, but it’s bittersweet. “I love you, too…little Lucy Tucker.”
Sniffing back my tears, I charge outside. The harsh sunlight stops me in my tracks. Shielding my eyes, I desperately search for Sam. I don’t have far to look. He’s slumped on his knees in the middle of the yard, looking completely and utterly alone as he turns his head from left to right, searching the grounds for…me.
This is the moment I’ve been waiting for—for Sam to remember who I was, to remember what we had. I just wanted things to go back to the way they were. But now that my wish has been granted…all I want is for him to forget.
