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Saxon’s intuitive nature surprises me. He’s never cared about my well-being in the past, but I suppose we’ve never been involved in circumstances such as this before.
Deciding to be honest, I raise my shoulders in a candid shrug. “I don’t know. I’ve seen some awful things. I’ve lived them.” I subconsciously pull at my cardigan, just as I do every time I think about my childhood. “But this, this is something that is beyond words. I remember travelling to Ghana on my internship. The injustice there was unbelievable, but those people, they still smiled regardless of their shitty conditions. And they fought for their survival because they had hope. They had hope that one day their luck would change. I look up to them. I am in awe of them because I don’t have their mindset, Saxon. I can’t smile and I don’t have hope. I know if Samuel doesn’t—” My voice wavers as I place a hand over my mouth. “If Sam doesn’t ever wake, I won’t be able to smile ever again. I know that makes me selfish and ungrateful, but I don’t know how I’m going to survive without him. There are so many wrongdoings in the world, my situation is so insignificant, but…it’s…just not…fair.”
I’m sobbing by this stage, ugly tears and nothing less. I should be embarrassed that this is the second breakdown I’ve had in the span of an hour in front of Saxon, but I’m not. He pulls me into his warm arms, allowing me to cry on his shoulder once again without any judgment.
He can’t go. In some weird, inexplicable way he makes me feel better. He makes me feel closer to Samuel and after feeling so detached from him for days, I need that intimacy to go on. “Why are you being so nice to me?” I snuffle into his shoulder.
A husky laughs rumbles in his chest. “Would you prefer I be mean to you instead?” A half laugh, half sob escapes me.
Pulling away, I wipe my eyes, sniffing back my tears. I take a moment not to compare Samuel and Saxon; I take a moment to appreciate the man in front of me. “Where are you staying tonight?”
Saxon doesn’t hide his surprise. “At a motel. I was going to head home in the morning.”
“You could always stay…with me?” I’m attempting to sound calm, but my heart suddenly begins to race. When his uncertainty is clear, I decide to be honest. “Please…don’t go. Stay here. Stay here… with me.” I don’t know why, but I like having him close.
I’m expecting a refusal; I wouldn’t blame him if he did. It’s not like Samuel ever went out of his way to salvage their broken relationship. He didn’t try hard enough to make amends. Saxon is here because he’s the bigger man. He’s a good man.
“Okay,” he replies a moment later.
“Okay?” I question, my head snapping up. Wisps of hair blow in the breeze as he nods. “Thank you, Saxon. You’ll never know how much it means to me.” A ghost of a smile touches his lips.
Once again, my meltdown subsides; it appears that Saxon is my unexpected balm. Regardless of this tragedy, I’m going to try and see the light. I don’t really know Saxon, but that’s about to change. I’m hoping through this tragic loss, I can gain a new friend, a friend who gives me the hope I so need.
“We better go back in.” He’s right.
Quickly wiping my eyes, I cringe when I see his fitted gray Harley Davidson t-shirt is stained with my tears. “I’m so sorry about being such an emotional wreck. I promise it’s the last time.”
I start to get up but stop when he reaches out and holds onto my wrist. When I peer down, confused, he unlocks his fingers and slowly unwraps the heart-shaped lollipop, passing it to me a second later with a poignant smile.
This time, I don’t object.
* * * * *
Saxon followed me home on his bike, much to the disapproval of his mother.
I’ve never had an issue with Kellie or Gregory, as they’ve both treated me with nothing but love and respect. But her disrespect towards Saxon is showing a side to me that I don’t particularly like.
I push down those thoughts however when Saxon strolls into the spare bedroom, freshly showered and looking ready for bed. “You didn’t have to change the sheets. Believe me; I was lucky to even get a bed in some of the shithole places I’ve stayed at.”
I want to press, ask why he chose to sleep there in the first place, but I don’t. We’re both dog tired, and I have a feeling the getting to know you part may take a little longer than a night.
“Okay, well, if you need anything, just let me know.” I fluff his pillow one final time.
A happy bark sounds before excited toe tapping skids along the floorboards. “Hey, Thunder!” Saxon doesn’t hide his excitement when he bends down and pats my dog on the head.
Thunder was a present to me from Samuel on my eighteenth birthday. He lived with the Stones while Samuel and I lived at home, but of course he came to live with us when we finally moved into our home together a little over three years ago.
Thunder makes himself comfortable as he jumps onto the double bed. Saxon laughs a deep, husky laugh, which sends an unanticipated shiver down my spine. I’m trying my hardest to not compare him to Samuel, but it’s hard not to. Yes, his hair is longer than Sam’s and he’s covered in tattoos, but my brain still tricks me into thinking its Samuel standing before me. Wishful thinking, I suppose.
“Goodnight, Saxon,” I say once I realize I’m absentmindedly staring at him.
I have no doubt he knows every second thought of mine is comparing him to Samuel, but he doesn’t say a word. “Night, Lucy. Thanks again for letting me stay.”
He doesn’t realize I’m the one who should be thanking him.
When he pulls back the corner of the covers, I take that as my cue to leave. I shut the door, smiling when I hear him talking to Thunder.
The scalding shower is utter heaven, and when I turn off the faucets, I’m so ready for bed. Once I brush my teeth and run a comb through my wet hair, I pad into my bedroom, but abruptly pause in the doorway. Feelings of nostalgia hit me and I frown, saddened that once again I won’t be sleeping beside Samuel.
