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“Because I cried in his arms more times than I care to admit,” I confess. “And they felt nice.”
“Nice? I think the word you’re searching for here is un-fucking-believable.”
They did feel unbelievable, but not in the way Piper thinks. Saxon provided me light when I was shrouded in darkness. Even when I yelled at him constantly and acted like a complete basket case, he stood by me, allowing me to grieve in my own way. I’ll never forget that. I’ll also never forget that he stayed, just like I asked him to.
“Okay, fine, you can have your party,” I say, surrendering. “It might be good for Sam to see his old friends.”
“Of course it will. I think we all need some fun after the past few weeks.”
She’s absolutely right. We all need some fun. God knows I do. With that decided, we say our goodbyes, me promising to call her the moment Saxon arrives.
Feeling a little more like me after speaking to Piper, I decide to put on a DVD and wait for Sam to wake up. Nothing catches my eye until I run my finger over the spine of a case marked ‘Memories.’ This is probably not the best thing to watch as it’ll probably just make me miss Sam more, but realizing that’s not possible, I slip it from the rack and place it into the player.
The quality is awful, considering it was converted onto DVD from VHS, but that doesn’t matter. I can remember each moment like it just happened yesterday. The first home movie is of Sam’s basketball final—senior year. I’m perched on the edge of the sofa, watching Sam as his father proudly films his son tearing up the court like the skilled basketballer that he is.
His orange jersey highlights his tanned, taut skin and draws out the blond strands in his shaggy hair. When he bypasses two opponents and slams the ball into the hoop, the crowd roars in delight—me included. The seventeen-year-old me sounds completely smitten by her new beau. Sam runs backward, his eagle eyes landing on me as he points and winks cockily. I swoon now, just as I did then.
I continue watching, unable to tear my eyes away from the eighteen-year-old Sam, running circles around his opponents. He’s fast, cocky, and skilled—no wonder he got offered a scholarship to Montana State. A scholarship he turned down because Greg’s plan was for his boys to help him run the farm.
With a minute to go, Greg pans the camera sideways, bringing into view Kellie, Saxon, and I. I cringe when I see the adolescent Lucy because she looks like a complete geek. I have no idea what Sam saw in me—I was flat chested, not that that’s changed, had a mouth full of braces, wore ridiculously huge glasses, and my clothes weren’t exactly girly. But he never made me feel anything but beautiful.
Kellie hasn’t aged a bit; she looks youthful, spirited, and fashionable in the latest threads. Her blonde hair sits in a side bun, her face painted in natural undertones, complementing her organic beauty. The camera then zooms in on Saxon.
“Are you excited, Sax? Your baby brother has won the finals for his team,” Greg asks, the excitement evident in his tone.
Sax looks up for the briefest of moments, pinning the lens with an intense, unenthusiastic stare. I don’t know why, but I unexpectedly have a pitter patter low in my belly. The seventeen-year-old me is oblivious to Saxon sitting beside me, too preoccupied by Sam’s efforts on the court. But the twenty-six-year-old me is completely intrigued.
He looks untroubled, completely relaxed, reading a copy ofTo Kill a Mockingbirdat a basketball game filled with cheerleaders and jocks. His hair is mussed, falling over his left eye, making him appear all the more enigmatic. He’s wearing a ratty Led Zeppelin t-shirt and baggy skater shorts. The look isn’t conventional for kids our age, but it suits him. He is utterly mesmerizing and I don’t know why.
Before I can question myself further, Kellie angrily clicks her fingers in front of the camera, shouting that Greg film Samuel. A second before he complies, he inadvertently captures Saxon’s frown, his expression conveying how Kellie’s cruel words have affected him. But his feelings aren’t anyone’s concerns, not even mine because as the buzzer sounds, we all jump up and celebrate because Sam’s team has won. The image ends on Sam being lifted onto the shoulders of his teammates, them singing his name.
A sinking feeling forms in the pit of my stomach and I suddenly feel like I’m missing something. I just don’t know what.
I don’t have time to delve deeper because the screen flickers and the next home movie is of my prom. The cinematographer this time is my dad. I could close my eyes and recite every moment, every word spoken because I’ve watched this a million times before.
“You look beautiful, sweetheart.”
“Thanks, Daddy,” the past and present me say.
“He’s here! He’s here!” my mom says, rushing over to the hall table to grab her camera.
I didn’t know it then, but hours from this precise moment, I would lose my virginity to my prince charming. It went how any first time after prom was expected to be—rushed, clumsy, and awkward, but it was perfect. I wouldn’t trade the feeling of knowing Samuel that way for anything.
A knock sounds on the door. “Daddy, be nice.”
“I’m always nice.”
I remember wondering if I looked okay, as the strapless blue gown showed off a little more skin than I was accustomed to showing. But when my mom opened the door and Sam’s eyes widened and he gulped, I knew I looked more than okay.
“Mr. and Mrs. Tucker.” Sam looked incredible. The simple black tuxedo clung to every plane of his athletic frame perfectly.
The white corsage he held was so pretty, so feminine, it brought tears to my eyes. I never felt more beautiful than I did that day. As he slipped it onto my wrist, I basked in his fragrance, anxious to get out of here so we could make out in his car.
“Now, son, let’s go over the rules for tonight.”
I laugh at Sam’s horrified expression, although I certainly wasn’t laughing when my dad started grilling Sam about having me home before midnight. Thankfully, Mom convinced him to let me stay out until one a.m.
I looked so nervous, and the same butterflies take flight within. I miss that feeling. That carefree, innocent first love is a love that compares to no other feeling in this world. I want that back. And I want that back with Sam.
