AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“Make love to me, Sam,” I frantically whisper, my fingers fumbling over his belt buckle. Those words seem to be the key to unlocking the hostility we’ve found ourselves in.
Our impassioned moans fill the air as I yank open his jeans, dragging them down his thighs as he almost rips the belt off my waist. Just as I grab a hold of his red hot erection, he roughly flips me onto my stomach and tears the romper from my body. The material is stretchy, with no buttons or zips, so he maneuvers it off with ease. He doesn’t bother taking it all off, satisfied when my back and ass is exposed.
He scoops a hand under my belly, positioning me on all fours. I feel incredibly exposed displayed this way, especially since it showcases my scars. Just as I attempt to turn over, Sam wraps a hand around my waist and positions his blunt head at my entrance. I’m not ready yet. He hasn’t even dipped in his toe to test the waters. But it appears he doesn’t care and is happy to dive straight into the deep end.
“Sam, wait!” I cry when he presses against me.
“Oh, shit, sorry,” he says, easing up the pressure.
He’s still pushed against, but thankfully, he runs a hand over my behind and then dips low. The moment he inserts a finger into me, I gasp, as the intrusion isn’t exactly gentle. I’m not even halfway there, as he didn’t prep me, or ensure I was ready to go.
He continues trying to warm me up, but I’m not with him. My muscles aren’t receptive of his efforts, and I don’t know why. I was into the heavy petting, but when the pants came off, it’s like my body shut up shop.
“Do you want me to stop?” he asks, sensing my complete lack of excitement.
I’m angry at myself for not meeting him in the middle, as he’s trying. For the first time since this nightmare began, he’s actually trying. With that thought in mind, I shake my head, determined to make this happen. “No, but maybe I could turn around?” I don’t like this detachment. I never have.
He instantly withdraws his fingers and lets me go. I flip around onto my back and timidly take off my clothes so I’m now completely nude. It’s thankfully dark and the only light source is steaming in from the curtains as the moonlight peeks out from under a cloud.
Sam slips off his t-shirt. The jeans follow soon after. We’re now both completely nude and I have never felt more awkward. He lies on top of me, shifting to get the position right. I don’t remember him being this heavy and a winded breath escapes from my lungs. I also move, trying to place my arms and legs at a comfortable angle, but all I manage to do is get us tangled into a limb pretzel.
He glances down at me, appearing to be waiting for permission. I don’t blame him, considering the last time he instigated anything I froze up like the North Pole. I take charge and wrap my arms around his neck, drawing his face towards mine. It dawns on me that we haven’t even kissed. We’re completely naked and haven’t even shared a simple kiss.
I seal my mouth over his and we come together as two strangers in the night. We’re both reacquainting ourselves with one another, testing what the other likes. I have the upper hand and kiss Sam the way he used to like to be kissed. I start out slow, but Sam takes charge and sticks his tongue so far down my throat, I almost gag. He doesn’t read my aversion and continues digging around in my mouth as if he’s panning for gold.
The kiss is sloppy, messy, and clumsy, nothing like our first kiss. And nothing like my first kiss with Saxon. I really shouldnotbe thinking about that, but it’s hard not to when I have what’s currently going on in my mouth to compare it to.
Saxon’s mouth melded perfectly to mine, his tongue stroking not prodding and his lips were warm, soft. Thinking about that kiss has me losing myself in the memories and taking control. Thankfully, Sam follows my lead and we kiss like adults, not teenagers making out for the first time.
His looming bulge is hinting that he wants in and as I shift my leg to the side, he nudges against my entrance eagerly. The kiss has made me a little more receptive, and Sam can feel it. “I don’t have any protection,” he says regretfully.
“It’s okay, I’m on birth control.” I can sense his relief.
My admission has him breaking the kiss and nibbling down my throat. This is Sam’s move, a move he obviously read about in my diary. But I focus on his lips and what he’s doing down below. He’s nudging himself into me, and when I eventually let my guard down, he slips inside.
I gasp, my unaccustomed muscles adjusting to the intrusion as Sam moves within me. We’ve been connected timeless times before but this somehow feels different. Our bodies move out of time, both dancing to a different song. Sam is listening to heavy metal, while I’m dancing to the beat of my own drum.
His length stabs at me as he increases his strokes, grunting and bucking wildly, while I’m wondering where I put my hands. This is hardly romantic or even any good.
“You’re so wet, babe,” he moans happily while I cringe, feeling like a B-grade actress in a bad porno.
This awkwardness continues on for what seems like hours and when Sam looks into my eyes, I turn away, burying my face into the pillow. I can’t look at him, afraid he’ll see my lack of excitement. I resemble a starfish, lying there, waiting for him to finish. This isn’t like riding a bike because now that I’ve fallen off, I don’t think I ever want to get back on.
This act was once filled with love, but now, it’s filled with nothing but boredom and regret. Whether he can read my detachment or not, I’ll never know because it doesn’t seem to bother him either way. He pumps into me, his forceful strokes moving me up the bed. I bang my head on the wooden headboard, yelping on impact. Samuel misinterprets my pain for passion.
“That’s it, babe. Work with me.”
I try and get involved, to make this a team sport, but I can’t. He resembles a bunny, sprinting towards the finished line, while I never began the race. When he groans and finally collapses on top of me, I’m actually thankful it’s over. I keep my face turned, unable to look at him because he’ll see I’m about to cry. When he pulls out, his seed spills down my leg. He doesn’t bother to clean up after himself as he rises and closes the bathroom door behind him.
Rolling onto my side, I hug my pillow into me, never feeling more alone. An act which should unite two people has driven us further apart. I feel dirty, coated in shame. I thought sex could save our relationship but instead, I think I’ve just made things worse.
* * * * *
22nd May 2005
Dear diary,
This entry is probably going to be the shortest one yet because there are simply no words to describe how I feel. Tonight was prom. And it was the night I lost my virginity to Sam.
