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As I step outside, the fresh air feels like heaven against my heated skin. The wooden bench that was my sanctuary for so many weeks captivates my attention. The landscape is still a lush green, and the multicolored wildflowers are in full bloom. I remember thinking how many days, hours, minutes, and seconds would I sit there, hoping and praying that things would be okay.
I can’t look upon this sight without thinking of Saxon and how he was there for me from the very beginning. I was at my worst, an inconsolable mess, but he lent me his strength when I needed it the most.
Needing a moment to compose myself, I amble over to the bench, taking in the memories associated with it. Running my fingertips over the coarse wood, I close my eyes and remember my cheek pressed to Saxon’s chest as he consoled me when I wanted to die. He promised me that things would be okay, and he was right.
“Lucy?” His voice is familiar, but it rings with its own uniqueness. Once upon a time, I couldn’t help but compare Sam and Saxon, but now, they’re worlds apart.
Slowly opening my eyes, I take a moment to focus on Sam. God, how I wished for this vision months ago. To hear his voice. To see him smile. I would even pretend he was here and it was all just a bad dream. But now that my wish has been granted, I don’t know what to do.
“How do you feel about what Dr. Kepler said?”
He doesn’t smother me, standing several feet away. I know this is disconcerting for him too. “There was a time when it was all I wanted to hear.”
“And now that you’ve heard it…?”
“I don’t know,” I confess, hating this confliction I’m faced with at every corner I turn.
Sam doesn’t hide his utter anguish as he runs both hands through his hair. “Help me understand how we’ve ended up this way. Explain to me how you wanthimand not me. After everything we’ve been through, Lucy, how can you just throw it all away?”
“It’s not like that,” I protest, angered he thinks so little of me. “What you did to Saxon, to me, it was downright appalling. I can’t help but think how different my life would have been.”
Sam closes his eyes, pained. “I’m sorry. So fucking sorry.” When he reopens them, they’re filled with nothing but sincerity. “If that’s why you slept with him, then I forgive you. We both fucked up. We both made mistakes. But I’m back now, and I want things to go back to the way they were. I just want—”
I can’t stand here a second longer. “I slept with Saxon before I found out the truth, Sam. Things cannevergo back to the way they were.” His mouth is agape, still midsentence, but he needs to know all of it. My confession winds him, and he slumps onto the bench, shaking his head, speechless. “You forgot who I was, Samuel. And if that wasn’t insulting enough, you acted like a complete asshole. I didn’t like that person. And now, I’m grappling with the question of whether that person is the real you?”
There is no easy way to do this, but unlike Sam, I plan on telling the truth. I know what people will think of me, but I’m sick of all the lies.
“You can forgive him, but not me?” he asks in a faraway tenor, his gaze pinned to the ground.
“Forgive him for what?” Every part of me wants to sit beside him and console him because I’m the one who inflicted a wound so deep, I don’t think it’ll ever heal. But I don’t. I’m confused enough as it is.
His allegation burns. “He lied to you as well. He knew the truth, but instead, like the coward he is, he didn’t say a word. If that were me, I’d fight for you…I did.”
I hiss, taking a step backward. His words strike a nerve because deep down, I know they’re true. Saxon is at fault as well. He should have come clean, but he didn’t. They both lied to me, but was one crime worse than the other?
I’m wrestling with what’s right and what’s wrong because both feel like a betrayal. But Saxon is no coward. He did fight for me. He has. He explained why he did what he did, and although it doesn’t excuse his actions, Sam’s betrayal feels so much worse. “He wasn’t my fiancé. He wasn’t the one I spent years with. You could have told me. You had ample time, but instead, you chose to lie. Time and time again. I feel cheated. Do you know how betrayed I feel?” I clutch at my chest, my heart constricting.
“I know, and I am so sorry! If I could take it back, I would!” he exclaims, his face contorting. “I wanted to tell you.”
“Why didn’t you?” I cry, pushing down the hysteria because I want to know the truth.
“Because I was scared. I know what I did was wrong, but I did it for you, Lucy.”
Scoffing, I cross my arms, sick of his excuses. “You lied for me?”
“Yes,” he replies, without missing a beat.
“That makes no sense!” I’m done with Samuel pointing fingers and not manning up to what he did. “Saxon…”
“Saxon isn’t the saint you believe him to be!” he shouts, shooting upright, his nostrils flared.
A palpable tension thrums between us, and I have a foreboding sense that I’m seconds away from opening Pandora’s box. “What does that mean?”
Sam takes a deep breath, and the ominous ambiance almost suffocates me whole. “I saved you from a life of heartache. I’m sorry I lied, but I never lied about my feelings for you. My brother is bad news. I know girls love a bad boy, but Saxon is a bad apple. He always has been.”
A rage whips me into shape, and I advance, about ready to slap his cheek. “How dare you! Saxon has been nothing but honest. He’s cared for me from the very beginning.”
My rampage is put on hold, though, when Sam stands his ground. “Oh, so he didn’t think it was important to tell you he was who you first met and not me?” My fire begins to abate because Sam seems to know where my weaknesses lie. “He’s gutless, and he knew you were better off with me. That’s why he didn’t tell you.” He jabs his thumb into his chest, it echoing like the thoughts rattling in my mind. “You were and will always be too good for him. Think, Lucy. If he claims to have loved you from the very beginning, then why did he lie to you?” I chew the inside of my cheek, hating how the truth has trapped me in a web of deceit. “We both lied, but I seem to be the bad guy.”
