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With my thumb and pointer, I stroke the white gold band, admiring its beauty one final time. This represents everything that could have been, but that was a lifetime ago. Regardless, a longing hits low, and I’m suddenly powerless to slip it from my finger.
My mind is telling me to remove it, but when I do, this really comes to an end. My and Samuel’s relationship will really be over with, and a new chapter commences. I suddenly can’t breathe.
“You can keep it…”
“No,” I grit out between clenched teeth, needing a moment to catch my breath. “I don’t want it. I just…” This needs to stop. What is the matter with me? I break out into a cold sweat, the harmless ring now a manacle around my heart.
“Lucy?” Saxon’s confusion at my inability to return something that isn’t mine just adds to the weight, and I shut myself off to the world.
You don’t choose love…it chooses you.
My mom’s words ricochet loudly, and the mayhem slowly clears. If I didn’t feel some sense of loss returning this, then I would question my feelings for Sam. I would also question my morals. When he gave it to me, I was so in love with him. It signified everything I thought I wanted, but now, it just highlights how things have changed.
Change is never easy, and one of the hardest things in life is letting go…but when I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. Taking a deep breath, I open my eyes and say goodbye to the person I once was.
When the ring slips from my finger, an invisible weight lifts from my shoulders, and I smile. Something so monumental has never looked so small as I hold it out in front of me.
I gaze at Sam through the band. A circle never has an end, but we do. “Here.” He almost looks disappointed, but I quash down such foolishness.
He finally reaches for it, slipping it into his back pocket. “I’m going to stay with Mom…until we figure out what to do.”
“You don’t have to do that.” I’m surprised when Saxon speaks the words I was just about to say. “I’ll leave. Stay in a hotel until you sort out your business.”
My stomach drops at the thought as I don’t want him to go anywhere. I know he’ll eventually have to return to Oregon to figure out what comes next, but I was hoping I’d be going with him.
“Lucy looks as happy with that suggestion as you do. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”
The fact Saxon and Sam are semi civil proves we can all co-exist. It’s not going to be easy, but this is Sam’s home as much as it is mine. I can’t just kick him out. “No one is going anywhere,” I state firmly. Both brothers look at me, not hiding their surprise. “It’s a big house. I’m sure we can all live under the same roof and not kill one another.” Saxon cocks a disbelieving brow, but I ignore him. “So what do you say?”
Sam seems to ponder my proposal while Saxon’s face remains stoic. “As long as you’re sure. It’ll beat living with Mom.”
“I’m sure,” I reply without pause, the first ray of hope that this might actually work shining brightly. “We’re all adults.”
“Sax?” Sam is waving a white flag. I can only hope Saxon sees reason because this is as good as it’ll get.
When he hesitates, arms folded over his broad chest, weighing up the possibility of us all cohabitating, I can’t help but reach for his hand. “Please,” I softly beg, imploring he do this because this is the compromise where everyone wins.
Just when I think this is a losing battle, he surprises me and cements why I love him so. “Okay. Fine.”
“Thank you.” I throw myself into his arms, pieces of my heart slowly coming together.
He hugs me stiffly, and although this situation is far from ideal, it’s the only way I can begin to move on. I promised never to abandon Sam, and him leaving would feel like a complete cop-out. Like we took the easy way out. I don’t expect us to be one big happy family, but this will work—I will make sure of it.
I will work hard to pay off my debt, to chip away at my guilt in any way I can. And this right here is a good start.
“I’ll call Mom then. Tell her I’m staying.” Saxon hardens beneath me, but he doesn’t say a word.
When Sam’s footsteps retreat, hinting that we’re alone, I pull from Saxon’s embrace, peering up at him. His clenched jaw reveals he’s pissed off. “I know.” I sigh. “But what was I supposed to do? I can’t throw him out of his own home.”
“I offered to leave,” he rebukes, lips pulled tight.
“That’s not an option either. I don’t want you going anywhere.” I reach for both his hands. “I’m sorry I asked this of you, but I can’t see any other way where I can live with my decision and not be riddled with guilt.” He exhales deeply. “Please don’t be angry with me. It’s only for a short while. I’ll look for a realtor first thing in the morning.”
“Okay, Lucy.” I squeeze his fingers in gratitude because even though he’s just agreed, I make no mistake in believing he’s happy with this situation.
I know this seems like me having my cake and eating it as well, but I meant it when I said I don’t think I can live with myself if I just turned my back on Sam. I’m sure he’ll keep out of our hair, and us out of his.
This will work, I repeat to myself. It has to.
