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Saxon and I have argued before, but this felt like our first real fight. I still don’t really understand why it escalated the way it did, but it’s clear Saxon’s past is filled with shit he’s not proud of, hence the reason he’s clamming up. But aren’t we all.
The distraction might be nice, so I grab a beer, hoping Felix won’t mind. When I walk out into the living room, I see that the boys are out on the porch, having a smoke. They’re speaking softly with their heads drawn. No guessing why. I decide to put on some music, hoping it’ll lift the mood.
No surprise, Saxon is old school and has a ton of vinyls. Squatting, I flip through the selection, impressed at the variety. When I see Johnny Cash, it’s a no-brainer. I haven’t used a record player in forever, so I gently remove the vinyl and place it on the player.
The crackling before the song starts is so vintage. I decide to get lost in the music and slump onto the leather sofa. Sipping my stolen beer, I peer out the stained-glass window, the sun gradually giving way to the moon.
I don’t regret my decision to come here, but I suddenly feel homesick. I miss the quietness. Although Oregon isn’t as hustle-bustle as some states are, it’s still fast moving to a country girl like me. If I wanted to take a walk, to clear my head, I’d only end up bumping into more clutter.
Back home, I could walk for miles and not see a soul. I suppose I took that for granted, but now, I crave that isolation. This mood doesn’t appear to be lifting any time soon, so maybe I should go upstairs and not put a damper on the evening. I’m no real company anyway, and all I really want to do is read.
I feel like a complete party pooper, but making an executive decision, I grab a marker and a piece of paper from the drawer behind me. Placing the barely touched beer on the table, I slide the note under it. It simply readsI.O.U.That simple phrase takes on so many meanings.
I trudge up the stairs, singing my own blues.
Somewhere between chapter nine and ten ofEmmaby Jane Austen, I fell into a deep sleep. Saxon didn’t come up to check on me once he discovered I had gone upstairs, but I too needed some space like he did today.
I can understand why Saxon reacted the way he did. Our pasts appear to haunt us both. We’re so afraid of messing this up. Our circumstances of coming together are not exactly ideal, but our love, it feels right, like it was always meant to be.
A single thought played on a loop before I succumbed to sleep. If I’ve learned anything from today, it is that I haven’t been fair to Saxon, and I plan on telling him that. He’s trying to be quiet, but it appears my body is in sync with his because the moment he’s near, it’s sensory overload and every fiber of my being tracks him.
The room is dark, the only light source is the full moon which peeks through the lace curtains. “What time is it?” My voice is hoarse.
“A little past one. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“It’s okay. You didn’t.” I’m expecting him to switch the light on, but he doesn’t. It appears we’re both content to stay hidden in the dark.
“Lucy…about today.” But I stop him.
Shooting upright, I seek him out in the darkness because his heart appears to be all the roadmap I need. “Don’t. Let me talk.” He’s sitting on the edge of the bed, so I snuggle against him from behind, pressing my cheek to his back. “I’m sorry, Saxon.” His muscles tense, so I continue quickly to put his mind at ease.
“I have no idea why today escalated the way it did, but what I do know is that our exes are a touchy subject for us both.” His heavy breathing expresses his worries. “So I’m going to solve mine. I didn’t realize what I was putting you through. It was wrong of me to ask you to live under the same roof as Sam.”
“Lucy—”
“When we go back,” I interrupt, desperate to get this out before I lose my nerve. “I will move back to my parents’ house. Or rent. Whatever. Until we figure out what to do. The rage I felt at knowing you and Cleo, and other women—” I swallow, unable to finish “—it made me crazy. I can’t even imagine how it must be for you to see Sam and me together. You deserve a fucking medal.”
“You are my medal,” he whispers, his head bowed. And just like that, I fall in love with him all over again.
“I don’t want to fight anymore.”
“I don’t either.” The world slowly begins to make sense again.
Rising on my knees, I wrap my arms around Saxon’s torso, fingering the top button of his shirt. It pops open with ease, an invitation to keep going. And I do. “I don’twantto be wrapped in cotton wool.” Three buttons down. “I want you to be honest with me—” I nuzzle into the side of his neck “—regardless of how gruesome the details may be.” I unfasten the last button, splitting the material apart to expose his broad chest. “I can handle it.”
Biting the side of his neck, I slip the shirt from his body, basking in his musk. “I don’t care how many women you’ve slept with.” I trace the length of his nape with my tongue, treasuring his groan. “All I care about is that I’m the last one.” I crawl onto his lap, straddling him as he fixes his hands low on my waist.
The veil of darkness allows me to speak without fear of bursting into embarrassed flames. “I know I’m not experienced in that sense…”
“That doesn’t matter to me.” His husky voice electrocutes me into a hypersensitive state.
“I know, but show me…what you like.” This is so far out of my comfort zone, but I want to experience everything with Saxon.
“Ilikeyou. Whatever you do to me, I’m going to enjoy because I…love…you.” His lips are a hair’s breadth away, but if I kiss him, I’ll lose my nerve. I want to dominate him, just as he does to me. Without overthinking it, I lift the dress from my body and strip myself bare. I’m only wearing my underwear, but that suddenly feels like too much.
In the sliver of dusk, I can see those hungry gray eyes hunt across my flesh, landing at the junction of my thighs. I need to touch him. I need him ingrained in my every pore. Caressing the soft whiskers on his chin and his cheeks, I bring his hand up to cup my breast. This is my show, and he allows me to be the puppeteer.
The delicious nudge at my entrance is all I need to quash my shyness and lose myself in this feeling of being one with this man. I rock sluggishly, in no real hurry because we have all night. We have countless minutes, hours, years to learn what it means to belong to each other.
