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I seal my lips and nod.
“I wanted to organize a dinner, here, with my parents and yours. Piper too.” There is something else he’s not telling me, and I have a feeling why that is. “Will you…will you talk to Saxon for me?” And there it is ... the inevitable. I knew it was coming, but I’ve already asked so much of Saxon. This is just toeing the line.
But when the utter grief tears at Sam, I feel like I don’t have much of a choice. “I’ll try my best, but Sam, it probably won’t make a difference. He’d much prefer to hear it from you.”
“I know. You’re right, and I would if I thought I could get in three words before he hung up.” His frustration is warranted because Saxon is one stubborn son of a gun. “All I ask is that you tell him I want a second chance at making things right between us. Now that everything is out in the open, I just want my brother back. I know I don’t deserve it, but…”
I don’t allow him to speak another word. “I’ll talk to him.”
“You will?” His eyes widen, the gratitude clear.
“Yes. I can’t promise you anything, but—”
This time, it’s his turn to intervene. “Thank you, Lucy.” Before I have a chance to reply, his arms swathe me in a tight hug. It still feels so weird to embrace this way, but there is only friendship in his touch.
However, a throat clearing indicates someone else doesn’t seem to think so. “Am I interrupting?” We quickly break apart, which is ridiculous. We weren’t doing anything wrong.
“No, of course not. Lucy and I were just packing.”
Alicia leans against the doorjamb in nothing but Sam’s favorite basketball jersey—which was once my favorite too because I used to wear it religiously. A surge of…jealousy spirals within, but I quash it down just as quickly because it has no business being there. It catches me off guard, throwing a curveball which leaves me uneasy.
My fingers tremble as I occupy myself with gathering up the last of the kitchenware. Sam watching me closely just makes me quiver all the more.
“What do I have to do to get coffee around here?” Alicia’s insolence is a welcomed distraction because I have no idea what’s going on with me.
“Coffee’s on the counter,” I snap, a rush heating my cheeks. I don’t want her in my home. Although it won’t be for much longer, while it is, I want nothing to do with her. Standing as casually as I can, I wipe away invisible lint from my t-shirt. Sam looks up at me, suddenly adding to the breathlessness taking flight within. “I’m going to feed the horses.” They’ve already been fed, but it’s the best excuse I can come up with.
“I’ll help,” he offers, attempting to stand.
But I shake my head, waving him off. “No, I’ve got it. When you’re done in here, maybe we could go down to the bank? I also emailed Hayley. Best to get things underway as soon as possible.”
A small gasp escapes him, but he eventually nods. “Sure. If that’s what you want.”
“It is,” I confirm without pause. He appears hurt, but I can’t worry myself with that any longer.
Yes, this was on the list of things to do, but it’s evident Sam wanted to work up to something so big, so final. But this is exactly what I need to soothe the demons which have suddenly stirred once again. Not understanding where this unforeseen anxiety has come from, I quickly excuse myself, pushing past Alicia when she makes no attempt to move.
Her musky scent catches on the whoosh of air, cementing the fact that that jersey and a lot of other things are no longer mine. This is what closure feels like. So why do I feel so hollow inside?
I’ve laid low, too ashamed and confused to raise my weary head. Sam and I went to the bank as we had discussed. The moment we signed on the dotted line to close the account, I broke out into a cold sweat. I have no idea why I’m reacting this way. I suppose it’s just so… final.
This has happened before. When I gave back his ring. And when I saw him sporting a hickey the size of Texas that I now know was thanks to Alicia.
Sam has been such an integral part of my life for so long and the thought of letting him go for good suddenly leaves me with a serious case of heartburn. I’m not questioning my choice because I want to be with Saxon, but letting go of something I know like the back of my hand is beyond scary.
A knock on the door has me yelping, but I chill the hell out. “Come in.”
Sam enters a moment later, peering around the doorway. I don’t blame him for being apprehensive. This time, he’s the one who’s trying while I can’t stop acting weird. “Hey. I thought I’d check on you. Is everything all right?”
Placing my journal beside me on the bed, I nod. “Yes, I’m okay.” Sam ponders my response, before risking his safety and coming inside.
He looks so much like the Sam I fell in love with, it’s hard not to ride the wave of nostalgia and drown. “I’m worried about you. If this is too much, too fast, we can always pull back.”
“No, it’s fine.” Although I appreciate his suggestion, I can’t stop. Not now. The sooner we get this done, the better it’ll be in the long run. There is no point in dragging out the inevitable. I just need to stop acting like a basket case and pull it together.
“I know this is all fucking weird, but I’m here if you want to talk.” He gently brushes over my ankle, a reassuring touch to affirm his promise. I don’t shy away.
“Thanks. That means a lot.”
