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To Sam’s credit, he took it like a true trooper and allowed Piper to scold him for being a downright asshole to me and everyone within a fifty-mile radius. After his twentieth apology, Piper seemed to lay off and focus her attention on liberating her lungs in front of hundreds of strangers.
She begged me to join her, but I could barely speak, let alone follow lyrics on a screen and be expected to sing them aloud. Sam also picked up on my gloominess and asked if I was okay endless times. The thing is, the more he asked, the worse I felt.
I should be happy we’re able to go out and do semi normal things like this, but this knot just won’t go away. No matter how hard I try to squash it down. Sam waits at the bar, clearly giving Piper and me some space to discuss what’s wrong. But I don’t even know what’s going on.
“I don’t know what’s the matter with me. I thought I’d be happy, but I just feel…” I shrug, searching for the right word.
“Feel what?” When I stare at her blankly, she poses another question. “What happened for you to be grumpier than a bear with a sore head?”
I can’t help but laugh. “That’s the thing. Nothing happened per se. Things were going great. Sam and Alicia—” Piper shudders, covering her mouth to stop from throwing up “They hooked up, which is good for him. This is exactly what I wanted. But this morning…” I swallow, feeling beyond guilty for voicing this aloud. “Alicia was standing inmykitchen, wearingmyfavorite jersey. And I don’t know, it set off the crazy inside me. I have no idea why.” It’s good to get it off my chest, but I’m still no closer to uncovering why.
Piper ponders what I just confessed, and I squirm. I know what this sounds like. It sounds like I’m jealous that Sam has moved on, but the thing is, I’m not.
“Then when we closed our joint bank account, I felt like I was seconds away from having an anxiety attack. What’s wrong with me?” I shield my face with my palms, embarrassed.
Piper uncovers my face. I look at her sheepishly. “Nothing’s wrong with you.”
“Then why am I acting like a crazy person?”
Piper smiles, giving me hope that maybe I’m not totally insane. “This is normal. You and Sam shared some great times together. You’ve loved him for so long, and now that you’re both moving on, it’s a little hard to digest.”
“But why?”
“Because being in a relationship with Sam was safe. He’s a habit, one you both have to break. I know you came here because he asked you to come, but you have to draw a line in the sand. You can’t keep running to him every time something goes wrong. You both have to learn how to live without the other.”
“Icanlive without him,” I contest, but deep down, I know she’s right.
“I know you can, but it’s going to take time. You can’t expect this to happen overnight.”
“I love Saxon.” I need to vocalize it. I need to hear it aloud.
“No one questions your love for him, Lucy. But Sam was supposed to be your forever. Before this all happened, there was no doubt in your mind that you’d live happily ever after. But now that that’s changed, it’s normal to find yourself falling into old habits. Old feelings.”
I recoil, wagging my finger animatedly. “There areno,like zero, old feelings there. I just feel like I owe him or something.”
Piper tosses back her gin and tonic and shrugs. “Old habits die hard. The sooner you can kick the habit, the better for you.”
“You think he’s a habit?” I ask, chewing my lip pensively.
“I do,” she replies without reservations. “Divorced couples have to share their kids, never really ridding themselves of their ex, so to speak, and you and Sam, you’ll always share a tie too.” I cock an eyebrow, completely confused. “Saxon,” she clarifies. I exhale. She’s right.
“So you need to let Sam go, the old Sam you shared so many memories with if you want to spend the rest of your life with Saxon because he will always be the ex-boyfriend, haunting your relationship. You can’t move forward if you’re stuck in the past.”
I sip my beer, digesting what she just said. “This isn’t going to be easy. You’re starting over. Give your brain and heart five seconds to catch up.”
“I feel like I’m going crazy.” I run my fingers through my hair.
“I would be worried if you didn’t lose your shit every once in a while. Love isn’t easy. Throw in your effed-up circumstances, and you’re bound to doubt and question everything every now and again. We’re creatures of habit, Lucy. You only got weirded out when seeing Alicia in the jersey because it was once yours. Just how Sam was. It’s still an open wound, but once you learn to let go, it’ll be a memory. It’s just going to take time.”
Leaning back in the booth, I take a moment to make sense of everything Piper just said.
Sam was safe, but being with Saxon is the complete opposite. Sam is familiar, but I need to purge him from my system. And just as one would detox an addictive drug from their bodies, I have to learn how to live without it. I may slip up, but I’ll try my hardest to go cold turkey, so to speak.
“Sam asked me to talk to Saxon on his behalf,” I reveal. “He wants to make amends. He thinks I have a better chance of getting through to Saxon than he does. I just feel like I’m constantly taking and not giving anything in return.”
Piper clucks her tongue, refuting my claim. “He’s probably right. Remember, Sam’s family is Saxon’s family too. If you want this to work, then I think Saxon has to remember that Sam will always be a thing of your past…past being the operative word. He can’t just expect you to sweep what you had with Sam under the carpet. It shaped you into who you are today. All three of you have to co-exist if you want to make this work.” I tear my cocktail napkin into shreds, needing something to do before I find a corner to rock in.
“I know you, Lucy. You can’t cut Sam completely from your life. You being here proves that, but it’s all about balance. Don’t stretch yourself too thin. Do what you can and what feels right. Being with Saxon feels right, but so does being Sam’s friend. There’s no reason you can’t have both. Take a time-out. Set boundaries. It’s almost impossible to move on with Saxon if you’re still emotionally tied to Sam. Just be mindful of the amount of contact you have and change your friendship so it doesn’t resemble the relationship you once shared. That’s why you got weirded out when you saw Alicia. Kick the…”
