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“I didn’t want to call you because I felt guilty for reacting this way. All day, I had no idea what was going on.” I stop walking and press my back against a brick wall. “Then Sam said he wanted to make amends with all the people he’s hurt. There’s a dinner at Whispering Willows next Saturday, and I was wondering if you’d consider coming.” I continue talking, too afraid if I stop, I won’t get it all out in time.
“Sam wants to make amends withyou, Saxon, but I know I’ve asked so much of you, so this is your choice. Whatever you decide to do, I will support you. One hundred percent. But I want you to know that the reason I felt weird was because I’m finally letting go. Sam is a habit, and it’s time to kick it.”Thanks, Piper!“I can’t cut Sam completely from my life. How can I? Every time I look at you, I’m reminded of him. So if we’re going to do this, it’s about balance and setting boundaries. I may still be emotionally tied to Sam, but I don’t love him. Iloveyou. So much. I know it sounds like I want the best of both worlds, but this can work. It has to.” And only then do I take a breath. Can I get a hallelujah!
I need a moment after my verbal vomit.
Saxon is quiet, not that I can blame him. I’ve just spewed a day’s worth of musings at him in under a minute. But when that silence continues, I begin to worry. I have asked so much of Saxon, but the ball rests in his court now. Whatever he decides, I will stand by him. If he doesn’t want to mend fences with Sam, then at least I tried.
I tap my boot against the ground, waiting for him to say something, anything. The longer I wait, the more anxious I become. Just as I regret the overshare, Saxon says something which cements the many reasons I love him so. “What song did you sing?”
I burst into laughter. “I totally owned Journey.” He chuckles, and I’m thankful we’re even joking right now. “So you’ll come?”
“I’ll think about it,” he replies.
“That’s better than a hell no.” Not wanting to discuss this any longer, I savor him being on the line. “I miss you. Like a lot.”
“I miss you too.” And that silence which always seems to rear its ugly head of late settles between us. There is no question of our separation anxiety, but our circumstances don’t allow us to be together. Well, not yet anyway. “I’d better go. I’ve got some paperwork I have to catch up on.”
“Okay.” My disappointment is clear. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow?”
“Sure. I love you.”
I close my eyes, basking in the feeling of Saxon Stone worshiping me. “I love you, too.” Like always, he’s the first to hang up because I never want to say goodbye.
I take a moment to gather my thoughts because today has been nothing short of a discovery. Talking to Piper has helped to clear my head. Even if Saxon doesn’t meet Sam in the middle, I’m glad Sam and I can find common ground. A small part of me is complete knowing he will be in my life in one way or another. We still have a long way to go, but I’m looking forward to the journey because I will never lose sight of why I started it.
One would have to forgive someone for thinking we’ve been robbed. The past few days, Sam and I have cleaned the house from top to bottom. We’ve left the essentials, but anything personal, we’ve packed away or given to Goodwill.
I have to admit it’s been a cathartic exercise. Cleaning out my closet was akin to clearing out the skeletons too. The more I tossed, the lighter I felt. My parents said it was okay to store what I didn’t need at their house while I figured out what I was going to do.
Sam’s headaches have subsided for now. And although we have sorted out our differences because, believe it or not, we’re actually getting along, I’m no closer to deciding what happens after we sell. Now that things have settled, so to speak, the thought of uprooting my life to a different state would create new stress in my life, which I can do without.
But I’m not cut out for this long-distance thing.
I miss Saxon. I miss him so much. Even though life is good, a huge gaping hole in my heart prevents me from fully enjoying this newfound freedom. I want to share all this with Saxon, but I have to remember he had a life before me—one he clearly doesn’t want to leave.
But one of us will eventually have to sacrifice something we love in order to be together. I know they say home is where the heart is, but Montana is both. Sighing, I give up on the notion of wearing my hair up and reach for my brush instead.
Tonight is dinner with the parents. In a way, I’m dreading us being in the same room together because the last time that happened, World War III almost erupted. But Sam is adamant and so is his therapist. Much to my horror, I attended his therapy sessions like Sophia suggested, listening to him unburden his sins and detail his frustrations.
At first, I felt like I was encroaching on his most personal thoughts because it was akin to couple’s therapy. But as time progressed, it was evident a lot of his defeats and goals were mine too. He was remorseful for what he did and believed he couldn’t move on because of his lies, but he was trying to move forward and focus on the future. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my thoughts.
It’s hard not to feel like the victim in all this, but listening to Sam speak made me realize he was a victim too. We all are. One choice could change your life forever, and both Sam and I are now attempting to pick up the pieces and learn from our mistakes.
As I’m brushing my hair in front of the bathroom mirror, my thoughts drift to Saxon. How I hoped he was coming tonight, but I didn’t press when we spoke last. The fact he hasn’t mentioned it since I first told him about it is all the answer I need.
It’s his choice, and I respect whatever he decides, but I just wish he’d change his mind. The longer we’re apart, the harder it is to remember his touch, his smell. Sam is on the mend, but now that I’m here, it seems silly to go back and forth because Hayley will return from vacation soon. But tell that to my aching heart.
I rub over the object in question when the bathroom door opens. I see Sam reflected in the mirror. “Everything all right?”
Quickly dropping my hand, I nod. “Yes. I just ate one too many pieces of strawberry cheesecake.”
Sam laughs, coming to a stand behind me. “The caterer did a great job.”
Seeing as we’d already packed up half our kitchen, we figured the wise thing to do would be to have the dinner catered. There is so much food. Sam thinks I’ve gone overboard, but my plan is to stuff everyone full so they’re in a food coma for the rest of the night.
I have no idea how this is going to go down. My parents did not appreciate Kellie calling me a tramp, and I don’t think they’ll be forgiving her anytime soon. The only reason they agreed to come was because Sam asked them here. Regardless of what has happened between us, they will always have time for Sam.
Lifting my gaze, I notice Sam holding a blue silk tie. “Would you mind?”
