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“No.” I gasp, shaking my head. What is she talking about? “I do-don’t.” I ignore the Freudian slip as it was just an innocent stutter.
She gently takes me in her arms and rubs my back. “I think you need to give yourself some time away frombothSaxon and Samuel. The feelings you have for Saxon are new, but with Samuel, I think he’s a bigger part of you than you realize.”
I mute my impending cries with her shoulder, refusing to break. “You’ve jumped into another big relationship without giving yourself time to breathe. One only has to look at Saxon to know he’s the real deal.” My heart swells. “That boy would happily lay down his life for your happiness. Are you ready for that sort of commitment so soon after Samuel?”
“Why are you telling me this now?” I don’t want to sound critical, but this isn’t the first time we’ve discussed my relationship with Saxon.
“Because this is the first time I’ve seen you with Samuel…the old Samuel, that is. I didn’t know if he’d ever return to the way he once was, which, in a way, would have made your choice easier, but now that he’s the Samuel you fell in love with, the Sam you were going to marry, I fear things aren’t as clear cut as they seemed.”
I want to tell her about my reaction to Alicia, about how I felt when we closed our bank account, but I don’t because I fear it’ll confirm what she’s certain is true.
“You will fight this, Lucy. I know you. But sooner or later, you’ll run out of fight. All I ask is that you be honest with yourself. That’s all you can do. You owe that to yourself…and to Saxon and Samuel.”
Every inch of my body is wrestling with her words, but a teeny part knows that what she says is true. In no way am I questioning my love for Saxon, or the fact I want to be with him. But with Saxon, so many question marks remain. He has a life outside Montana, outside me—am I willing to slot myself in and change everything I know for love?
I want to say with one hundred percent certainty that yes, I will. But the fact I can’t stomach leaving here is proof that no, things are not that simple.
“Just take your time. If they love you, they will give you that.” I’m stuck, and I didn’t even know it until now. But what I do know is that living without Saxon leaves me on the brink of inconsolable tears.
What I feel for him is so different from what I felt for Sam, and I explain those feelings the only way I know how. “You don’t choose love…it chooses you.” Her words have never made more sense.
I don’t fail to see the comparison when I cried on her shoulder all those nights ago. She told me love doesn’t make sense. Love happens when you least expect it. It’s inconvenient, messy, and reckless. It isn’t a decision; it’s a promise—a promise to chase inconvenient, messy, and reckless love with someone who embraces the chaos with you.
And my heart is telling me Saxon has always been that person.
“Just promise me you’ll really think this through.”
“I promise,” I muffle into her shoulder.
“Everything okay in here?” Sam’s concerned voice has me sniffing back my tears and dabbing my eyes discreetly.
“Oh yes, fine. Just girl talk. Thank you, Samuel. We will be out in a moment.” She always had a way with words.
“Are you okay, Lucy?” he gently asks, as I’m still buried in my mom’s shoulder.
“I’m okay.” I’m proud of myself for pulling it together. He lingers, but when I hear him eventually leave, I exhale. “We’d better get dessert out there.” I break our embrace and start the coffee while my mom hunts through the refrigerator. She’s giving me space to collect my thoughts, but I doubt I’ll be able to process everything tonight. I thought I had this figured out, but I clearly was wrong.
As I’m waiting for the coffee to percolate, I don’t even realize my mom has gone, and Sam has taken her place. When I see his reflection in the kitchen window, I take a moment to catch my breath.
It’s impossible not to compare this Sam to the one I remember, and in turn, it’s hard not to recall all the happy memories we share in this very space. My mom is right. It would have been easier if Sam had stayed the selfish, cruel asshole he was when he awoke from his coma. That’s one of the reasons I fell in love with Saxon in the first place. He showed me the person I was missing out on becoming—the person I am now.
But now that Sam has reverted to his past self, I can’t help but remember the happy times we shared. Regardless of the lies, I can’t deny that I loved Sam wholeheartedly. And now, I don’t know how I feel. I know I don’t love him how I once did, but my heart is still in sync with his. And I hate myself for it.
Reaching for a chocolate iced cupcake, I shove the entire thing into my mouth, hoping to drown my sorrows. Or at the very least, succumb to a sugar coma. Sam’s reflection smirks, and I scold myself for even paying attention to trivial stuff such as this. I can never lose sight of what he did, or the way he treated me when he forgot who I was. Being in this house clouds my judgment. It’s plagued with the ghosts of my past. I need a fresh start, away from here, away from the memories of yesterday.
With that as my marching beat, I spin, shoulders pulled back. My newfound courage takes a nosedive, though, when Sam ambles toward me, that smirk still spreading wide. I have no idea what he’s doing, and like always, it’s too late to react.
“You always got more on your face than you did your mouth.” I watch with bated breath as he gently brushes his thumb over the corner of my mouth, coming away with a smudge of gooey chocolate. My cheeks heat at my gluttony, but they explode into a full-blown scarlet fire when he slips it between his lips, sucking it clean.
“Th-thanks,” I stutter, in a complete state of shock. My mother’s words of warning ricochet loudly within, and I suddenly can’t breathe. I need to get out of here. “If you’ll excuse me.” I don’t wait for him to reply and charge out the back door. I know he’ll follow, so without a second thought, I kick off my shoes, dig in my heels, and run.
Images of him sucking his thumb assail my morality, causing me to run faster and farther away. I wish I could run forever because the wind in my hair and the earth beneath my bare feet liberates the heavy burden on my soul. But I know at every corner I turn, Sam will be there. Until I figure out what to do, I will never be able to outrun him because, in reality, I can’t outrun myself.
The moon is full, which is my favorite phase. Magic is truly in the air when the heavens illuminate this way by an everlasting glow. Like a beacon sent from above, clarity shines brightly when the barn comes into view. Without hesitation, I run toward it, as it’s a haven—my neutral ground.
The house is swimming with memories of Sam, but this barn, every inch of it permeates Saxon’s scent and pull. And I need it.
As I approach, I come to an abrupt stop. Tipping my face to the skies, I take a deep breath and just be.
