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And just like that, the man who imprisoned me and changed my life forever walks out of my world for good.
It’s what I’ve always wanted.
So why do I feel so guilty?
Day 94
THE AUTUMN HUESwill soon be replaced with blankets of crisp white snow, thrilling my inner child. When I was younger, I was desperate for a white Christmas. The thought of being bundled up tight while sitting by the fireplace as I unwrapped presents was my perfect Christmas morning. But being from Texas, I had to settle for sunny mornings in December instead.
But now, being in a foreign place, the thought of seeing snow by Christmas utterly depresses me. I want to say with conviction that come December, I will be out of this place for good, but I can’t.
The truth is, I don’t know where I’ll be or if I’ll be alive to see my first white Christmas. The future is uncertain.
Shifting in the back seat of the car, I appreciate the deep orange hues in this magical landscape since I don’t know when I’ll see it again. Pavel made it clear that Oscar will ensure I pay my dues for what I did. But it’s nothing I didn’t already know.
I want to prepare myself for every possible outcome, but truth be told, I don’t know what’s headed my way.
“You have everything?” Pavel asks as he peers at me in the rearview mirror.
“Yes.” By everything, he means do I have the tiny bugs he asked me to plant around the house as, no doubt, Oscar’s paranoia will prevent him from allowing me any communication with the outside world.
And he has every right to feel that way.
When the familiar neighborhood comes into view, Zoey peers at me from over her shoulder. She’s been quiet for the ride, staring out the windshield, so when we lock eyes, I wonder what she’s going to say.
I know we’re not friends. We merely want the same thing.
“Don’t fuck this up.”
“I won’t,” I reply with conviction. Even though my racing heart and sweaty palms contradict my confidence.
Pavel clears his throat. “Make sure you stick to the plan, all right? No going rogue. As I said, I don’t even know if this will work. He may not even want the details of the supplier, but—”
“But as long as I’m in, that’s all that matters,” I interrupt because I don’t need Pavel to list everything that’s wrong with this plan.
For the past two days, Pavel has talked me through the plan until I could recite it in my sleep. It seems simple enough—play dumb when it comes to Alek. Trade information for Saint’s release. And do the one thing I haven’t been able to do since this nightmare began.
Submit.
Oscar isn’t like Alek. He won’t tolerate any misbehavior. If I step out of line, he’ll make sure I pay. Or more accurately, he’ll ensure Saint pays. Oscar knows I’ll do anything to set him free. But this time, we’re leaving together.
“Okay. I’m going to park here. We can’t be seen,” Pavel says, turning in his seat to look at me.
Pavel has parked the black car three blocks away, which allows me time to settle my nerves and get my head in the game.
“Make contact as soon as you can. He will most likely take your cell, but try to reach out when you can. I’ll be listening. Make sure you plant those bugs discreetly so they remain undetected.”
I nod, wiping my palms onto my jeans.
“Good luck.”
Zoey doesn’t say a word.
I take her silence as goodbye, so I unbuckle my belt and reach for my bag. Just as I’m about to open the door, she speaks. “Bring my brother back.”
This is the first time I have ever seen emotion from her, and her raw and heartfelt plea was exactly what I needed to hear.
Regardless of our past, she is the only person who understands this loss I feel. Every day, I wake with this gaping hole in my chest, and I don’t know how to fix it. Coming here may be suicidal, but living with this feeling will eventually end my life for good.
