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Images I haven’t visited in a very long time float to the surface, and a chill overcomes me. Saint instantly recognizes the goose bumps aren’t of the good kind.
“I should go home. I need to think.”
Saint nods, appearing to respect my wishes. “Okay. Did you want me to hail a cab?”
“No, it’s okay. I got it.”
The tangible electricity between us leaves me gasping for air, and if I don’t get out of here now, I will throw good sense to the wind.
“Well, see ya,” I say with a wave. I bet I look as ridiculous as I feel.
Saint nods again.
When I don’t move, however, he peers at me with a slanted grin. Leaving him feels all kinds of wrong, but I eventually turn in the direction I came from and begin to walk. I will call an Uber when I get to the end of the street because I need to put some distance between us.
I quicken my steps, cursing each one because they take me farther away from Saint. I’m almost winded at the thought because that really happened—Saint is really here, and here I am…walking away. What is wrong with this picture?
But I reason with myself that this is the right thing to do. So why does it feel so wrong?
Yes, I am hurt, angry, annoyed, frustrated, and every other adjective associated with a breakup, but walking away won’t rectify those feelings. If anything, it makes me feel worse. But the old Saint I knew would never allow me to walk away.
He would throw me up against a wall, snarl in my face that I’m being nothing but stubborn, and demand I behave. But maybe that Saint is truly dead and gone. He said he needed time to find a better version of himself. But this lukewarm, passive version is not who I want.
I want the passionate, the domineering, the arrogant man who robbed me of air whenever he walked into a room. I want him to cuff me, to spank me, to call me his ????? because that’s when I felt most alive. If I eliminate the circumstances, the violence, the unsavory characters and pull back the layers, underneath it all, there is something beautiful…and that’s us.
Our relationship isn’t conventional, I know that, but we survived the ultimate relationship test. Nothing tore us down because our love was unstoppable. This entire time…that’swhat dictated our narrative.
Our crazy, unconventional, undying love is the reason for this all…and if I walk away from it, this truly would have been for nothing. Time doesn’t heal wounds—it makes you see what a fucking idiot you are.
Just as I’m about to spin around, I’m calmly snatched off the street and dragged into an alley. God knows I should be scared, but I’m done with being afraid. I thought He had forsaken me. But I was wrong because as Saint slams me up against a brick wall and cages me with his arms, I know that He was with me this entire time.
He sent me Saint.
My chest heaves thanks to the adrenaline coursing through me when I lock eyes with Saint. He is inches away, his hands on either side of my head, but I don’t flinch.
“See ya?” he questions, his hot breath blowing the hair from my face.
“Yes, it’s how civilized people say goodbye,” I taunt, lamely attempting to break free. He only pushes me against the wall harder.
“I missed that smart mouth,” he counters, focusing on the subject in question. “You know what happens when you misbehave.”
Oh yes, I do.
“You don’t get to walk away.”
“Why not? You did,” I reply, my anger shining.
“I know, but that’s because I’m weak. But you, you were always strong.” He threads his large hand through my hair while I smother a moan. “I thought I needed time, but the longer I was away, it just made me realize how wrong I was.”
“And it took you a year to realize this?” I question with fire.
He licks his lips. “I stayed away because I wanted you to have a normal life…away from me. Away from the memories I evoke. But staying away from you is like fighting nature. You were in everything. Every sunrise, it was your glow warming my deadened heart. Every sweet smell, it was your skin I inhaled to make me feel whole.”
My eyes flicker when he lowers his nose to the side of my neck and inhales.
“I left Russia and sailed the seas alone. I couldn’t bear to fit in with society because I came to learn quickly, I don’t like people.”
I can’t help but chuckle.
