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The fact she didn’t know, because I hadn’t told her I was leaving, made my gut twist. I regretted the decision, especially after telling her that it didn’t matter what she did, how hard she pushed, I wouldn’t leave. Then I left. Not my brightest move. It was temporary, though. And it was necessary to give us both some space—me to feel sorry for myself and her to hopefully think things over and realize I was the love of her life.
I stared at the text. Seven words. Nohi, orhey, orhow are you. It was not the most encouraging first contact.
Me:Yes.
I hit send before I could think too much about it. She asked a question. I answered it. Did I ask her why she wanted to know? I was definitely curious and the temptation to do so was strong, but I resisted because it was probably just about staffing. We always worked New Year together, only right now everything was up in the air and there was no way for her to know I would be back without asking. I glanced at my bag, packed and ready to go. Nash was driving me to LAX in an hour or so. How I was going to see her and not immediately bury my face in her hair I didn't know. I’d need to develop some serious self restraint between now and tomorrow afternoon.
The plane toucheddown in New York and, despite how good it had been to hang with Nash these last few days, my body still sighed with relief at being home. And so close to her.
I shouldn’t go to Rudi Blue tonight. I should go home and do laundry and buy groceries. Give myself the pep-talk I needed to see her tomorrow and not fucking cry with relief, or maybe dread.
My apartment was cold and empty and I could still just make out Chase’s scent mingled with mine. How the hell was it still here? I’d even stripped the sheets, after allowing myself to sleep with the pillow that smelled like her for one night. But it was still here. I wanted to think it was because she’d been sneaking in while I was gone, but I doubted it.
I went to the bedroom and fell onto the sheets that didn’t smell like her. I had no interest in laundry or groceries. Even still, I forced myself to empty the contents of my duffle bag into the washer and turn it on.
Don’t do it.My brain said.Do not go and see her.
I considered the merits of staying home, and away from Chase, until tomorrow and then promptly left my apartment and headed straight to Rudi.
The line was shorter than we’d seen it recently. The buzz from the wedding was finally dying down, or the lightly falling snow meant people wanted to be inside and not standing on a sidewalk. Either way, I was grateful it might be quiet enough for me to actually get a minute to speak to her.
A tribe of large moths (angrier and uglier than butterflies), were having some kind of civil war between my stomach and sternum as I approached the door. I greeted Brent, one of our newer security guards, and slipped inside. The Christmas vibe had been toned down since I was here last, in favor of one that was more winter wonderland meets disco. I dug it.
My eyes immediately found Chase behind the bar. Her hair was in a large knot on the top of her head, a yellow scarf tied in a bow around it. She smiled as she poured three cocktails and my heart kicked hard against my ribs. Fuck she was so beautiful. She looked happy, normal. Had she missed me at all? Did I even want to know?
I wiped my hands down my jeans and moved through the sea of bodies, doing my best not to stare straight at her, but keeping her in my peripheral vision. She moved through customers, checked on other staff members. She’d always been so good at this, even when she wanted to strangle every drunk idiot who leered at her. She was so good at it.
She moved towards the end of the bar as I approached. I didn’t know if she’d seen me, if she’d be happy I was here, but I just needed her to see me. I needed to feel her eyes on me.
“Mack!” she said with a smile and wide eyes as I stepped in front of her before she could dart down the hall to the bathrooms and our office. “You’re back.”
I stopped breathing as she wrapped her arms around my middle and squeezed. She’d missed me, too, I could feel it, but was it like I had missed her? Like an essential part wasn’t there? I let my arms go around her, enjoying the moment for as long it lasted. Her hair tickled my cheek and I sniffed it as subtly as possible.
Chase’s arms released me and she put a step’s worth of space between us. “It’s great to see you. How was Nash?”
“A lot better. Still not ready to come home, but he’ll get there.”I love you. I want you. Ineedyou.
She nodded, still smiling, eyes roaming over my face like she was trying to memorize it. “It really is good to see you,” she said and nibbled her lip. “But you don’t need to be here tonight, if you don’t want to, we’ve got it under control. I gotta pee.”
“Sure, yeah.” I stepped aside and she darted down the hall. She’d made up her mind. Friends. She didn’t need to say it again for me to know it. This was it. This was how it was going to be now. It needed to be enough. One day I hoped it would be, when I’d forgotten how she felt beneath me, when I’d forgotten the taste of her tongue, when I’d forgotten the way it felt to have her look at me like I was the only one she wanted. When I’d forgotten all of it, then I hoped that this would be enough.
Friends. Just friends.
37
CHASE
I almost blew it.
I saw Mack as soon as he walked in and I nearly swallowed my own tongue because he looked so fucking good. I’d tried to escape but he caught me and all I could think about was kissing him for the rest of my life, or at least the day, and telling him I loved him and I wanted him forever and ever, until we were old and wrinkly and I yelled at kids for having the music too loud in their ear pods—I couldn’t wait to be old and crotchety. I almost did all that because, apparently, I had very little chill around him.
With a strength of will I didn’t realize I possessed, I resisted the urge to kiss him and profess my love because I had a plan and I was sticking to it.
So, instead I forced myself to work and got through the night with minimal staring and absolutely no kissing.
A half nakedHunter Buchanan opened the door to Harley’s apartment the following morning.
I stood mute and staring for what felt like ten minutes. I knew Hunter reasonably well, we’d been work related acquaintances for a few years, but I did not know him well enough for me to be seeing him without a shirt on. He had a gorgeous face, all twinkly eyes and devil-may-care smiles dented with dimples, but it was impossible to know what was going on anywhere else because he was almost always in loose fitting shirts.
