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I couldn’t just sit there and read, though. No, I was too pissed. Too full of restless energy that urged me to pace. Well, I wasn’t going to freaking pace either.
Shutting my e-reader in the safe, I slipped on my sandals to protect my feet from the burning hot sand, and headed for the water. Maybe the annoying chafing of the sand would distract me from how pissed I was with Blake.
Leaving my sandals near the shoreline, I waded into the sea. Cold yet welcome due to the blistering heat, I sighed as the water lapped against my skin. I didn’t go far; could feel the sandy floor of the sea with my toes. Around me, couples cuddled and talked quietly—something Blake and I had been doing not so long ago. How the hell had we gone from that to a thousand emotional miles apart in mere seconds?
When I began walking back to the cabana, I noticed that Blake was back, sitting on his sun-lounger, eyes on me. It was wise of him not to have joined me in the water. I’d needed that time alone, and I suspected he’d known that.
I kicked off my sandals at the base of the steps, climbed onto the deck, and walked right past him with my head held high. I didn’t spare him even the briefest glance. Fuck him. Fuck him sideways.
I pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge. Even though my skin had cooled from my swim, the bottle still felt icy in my hand. As the cold liquid slid down my throat, I almost sighed in contentment. Then I felt his body heat at my back, and it was all I could do not to snarl.
“I fucked up.”
“No, Blake, you just did what you’ve always been good at—you shut me out. I’m used to it at this point.”
Warm hands cupped my hips and his chin rested on my shoulder. “I don’t shut you out. Earlier, we had a conversation about my father and Laurel.”
“And then you slammed up a wall. Bounced from warm to ice-cold in an instant. Completely dismissed me with a single word. It’s not the first time you’ve done it, and it won’t be the last, but it’ll always be fucking hard.”
He turned me to face him. “Baby,” he said softly. His hands palmed my face. “You know I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I know.” But he had. “And for the record, storming off was plain childish.”
“I didn’t storm off. I knew you were pissed and needed space, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to give it to you if I stayed here. I would have hounded you and just made things worse.”
Unable to argue with that, I said nothing.
“I’m sorry.” He dabbed a light kiss on my mouth, but I didn’t respond to it. His lips curled. “Still pissed at me, I see.”
“Yep.” I frowned as he backed me into the bed. “Now wait a minute—” His mouth on mine silenced me as he toppled us onto the mattress.
Positioning us on our sides, he braced himself up on one elbow and said, “You want to talk? We’ll talk. Choose the topic. But the project—”
“You’re not ready to tell me. I know.” Nothing new there. I bit my lip. “Will you tell me about Levi?”
His eyes dulled. “I already have.”
Once. And he’d barely revealed anything. “You don’t have to tell me about his suicide. Just tell me about him; what he was like, how you met him.” Give me that much.
Blake slid his hand into my bikini bottoms to rest on my ass. “I’d known him since Kindergarten.”
“Really?”
He nodded, a ghost of a nostalgic smile on his face. “We weren’t really friends until the last year of primary school, though. That friendship lasted all the way to high school. He was a good guy. Popular. Quarterback. The girls loved him. But he wasn’t as tough on the inside as he was on the outside. He had a soft heart. The soul of a poet, Tara says.” Blake shrugged. “They were close. He looked out for her. Especially at home. He protected her from their dad, who liked to smack her around when he’d had a drink—which was often. Tara didn’t just lose her brother. She lost her protector. The person she felt understood her best.”
“She feels like he abandoned her; that he left her to deal with their father alone,” I guessed.
“Yes. Bastien picked up the mantel and did his best to help her. He feels like he should have seen that Levi’s head was so messed up. That’s why he ran to Tara when she drunk-called him, saying she had nothing to live for. He’s scared the same thing will happen all over again.”
In my opinion, Tara had said what she’d known would get Bastien’s attention. Manipulative bitch. I splayed my hand on Blake’s chest. “You’ve told me how Tara felt about it. You’ve told me how Bastien felt about it. How did you feel?”
“I didn’t know what to feel,” he said, smoothing his hand up my spine. “I was numb for a little while. Then it hit me … and let’s just say I didn’t take it well.”
“Nobody would, Blake.” Tracing the lines and dips of his abs, I said, “When Libby lied that I tried to kill myself, you thought it was a cry for attention. Was it like that for Levi? A cry for attention that went too far?”
“No, Levi wanted to die.”
There were so many things I wanted to ask, but I could see just how hard it was for him to talk about—he’d already told me a lot today, I could shelve my other questions for now. And since I wasn’t so hypocritical as to not share something personal in return, I said, “Clear will end her life one day. She says she can’t live without me. I believe that. But she can’t live without Michael either. I’ve never been enough for her. When the time comes that he’s executed, I think she’ll kill herself that very same day.”
“It won’t be your fault if she does,” said Blake. “It’s not that you’re not enough for her. The lack isn’t in you, it’s in her. She looks to other people to complete her, which is fucking unfair and I hate what it does to you. But you’re not responsible for her, Kensey. You’re not.”
“And you’re not responsible for what Levi did to himself.”
His eyes dulled once more.
“You’re not, Blake. Not unless I’m responsible for what Clear will one day do. So, which is it? Are we both guilty, or are we both taking on too much?”
He sighed. “It’s a totally different situation.”
“Doesn’t change the fact that unless he died at your hand, the blame doesn’t lie with you.”
With another sigh, Blake lay flat and rested his forehead against mine. “Talked me in a circle, didn’t you?”
“I learned that from you.”
He tugged my lower lip with his teeth and then thrust his tongue inside my mouth. The kiss was soft, deep, and apologetic.
“You’re not forgiven that easily. I expect multiple orgasms when we get back to our suite.”
His smile was wolfish. “That won’t be a problem.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
You like pulp, right?
I had no idea what that meant. But it was the only clue Blake had given me when I’d asked what kind of room he’d booked for us at the Vault tonight. And it wasn’t really a clue, was it? No, it told me nothing and only made me more curious.
Letting the door of the bar swing closed behind me as I finished my shift, I glimpsed at the cloudy sky. ‘Grim’ was about the best way to describe it. The air felt thick and muggy, like just before a storm. Adjusting the strap of my purse, I headed to the parking lot.
