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Nicky's father, on the other hand, was not.
"What do you think you can do, Nicky? Save Rosie? It's too late for that. Maybe you're trying to make it all better, but it never will be!"
And he was right; no amount of women saved would ever replace Rosie, but at least Nicky was doing something good with her life. Nicky hadn't seen her father in years, but as far as she knew, he was still a drunk, and still in West Virginia.
Nicky's mother had died of cancer when Nicky was twenty. Nicky always wondered if the stress of losing Rosie had contributed to it spreading so fast. But her mother had been kind and warm. Not like her father. Her sorry excuse for a dad didn't deserve her, or his family.
Snapping back to Dr. Graham's office, Nicky sighed. "I know. I pace myself. I don't drink too much."
"Good. I know you deal with a lot of guilt, Nicky." Dr. Graham paused. "That's why you're here."
"Yeah," Nicky said. "It's hard, sometimes, to not hate myself for getting away. I hate that I'm out here living while Rosie is... gone." Nicky wouldn't say 'dead' because she didn't know if Rosie was dead. A body was never found.
"I know," Dr. Graham said. "It's a hard thing, I know."
Nicky nodded. She stared at the fish tank, at the bubbling water, and shut her eyes.
The lake house came back to her again.
Plunging into the dark water...
How had it become both the place of her dreams and her nightmares?
She knew what she'd do if she ever made it there again. And she was so afraid of it, but at the same time, she needed to see it--to touch it--for closure.
"I want to be good at this," she said. "I want to be the best."
Dr. Graham smiled. "You already are, Nicky. Sometimes I forget that you're only twenty-nine. You've already been through so much."
"Not all of it bad."
He laughed. "You have that right. But I do wish you'd open up to people more."
For the first time in a long time, Nicky remembered that Matt had reached out to her online. Matt, who Nicky once considered a best friend back home, was a stranger to her now. But she still had all those memories of him.
It was true; Nicky didn't let a lot of people in, not really in. It wasn't just boyfriends--it was friends too. Nicky could talk about herself no problem, but she'd always struggled to maintain those real friendships that lasted, like the friendships she'd had with her group of friends back in high school. And Matt was one of those friends.
It was strange to think of him after all this time.
"I don't know," Nicky said. "With how complicated my life is, sometimes I think it's better to just keep people out."
Dr. Graham smiled in a grandfatherly way. Nicky knew he was about to drop some of his wisdom on her, which was nice, considering her father had never been one to give her that. Dr. Graham was a great therapist.
He was always calm and collected. Always looked like he was the one on the top of the world.
"Nicky, that's never going to work."
"What?" she asked.
"You can't keep people out forever. It's okay to need people, but that means you have to let them in at some point."
Maybe he was right. Nicky thought back to that night with Ken, when they'd confided in each other. It was weird for her to do that, especially with someone she barely knew, but at the same time, learning Ken's story had made her feel... understood.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to have a friend to talk to, outside of work, every now and then.
"Thanks, Dr. Graham," Nicky said. "I'll think about it."
As she walked out of his office, she couldn't help but think back to her father.
