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You're not acting like yourself.
Theo was right. What had just happened? That wasn't me. I wasn't the person who jumped from one man's bed straight into another without any regard for anyone's feelings. How was I going to explain this to Theo? Was the dissolution of my oldest friendship going to be my fault? How was he ever going to forgive me? I shouldn't have slept with him the night before. I should have committed to our friends-only decision.
But no, that wasn't fair. Being with Theo had felt right. It took no effort at all to remember the way I'd felt in his arms, safe and warm with his lips moving softly over mine. It was Luca I shouldn't have slept with.
But I couldn't bring myself to regret that either. I couldn't explain the pull I felt when I was near him, the way I seemed to lose control at his touch, the sheer passion that existed between us. I knew what we had wasn't wrong either.
I dropped my head into my hands. When had my life gotten so complicated?
"There you are. Jesus, River, do you need a tutorial on how to use a phone?"
I jumped; I'd been too deep in self-pity to hear the door. Well, so much for my plan to sneak in and avoid everyone until morning. Or forever.
Theo parked himself on the steps by my side and gingerly put his hand on my back. "Are you okay?"
I gave a noncommittal grunt.
He leaned closer. "What's that?"
"I said I'm fine."
"Okay. Would you like to tell me why you're out here having an existential crisis in the middle of the night?"
I lifted my head out of my hands and let them drop to my knees. “I…I just—"
Theo's low whistle cut me off. He grabbed my hand off my knee and held it up. "Holy costume jewelry, Batman. Where the hell did that come from? You're not secretly some heiress to a wealthy Velartan dowager, are you?"
I snorted out a laugh. "No. Or at least, not that I know of. It's a long story."
Theo nodded. "Which you will now be telling me."
I hesitated, my throat tight, but he was right. He needed to know—all of it. I blew out a breath. "Did I ever tell you about the lady I sat next to on the plane?"
I told him everything. About Ona, the vague comments, the run-in with Vanessa. I told him about the ring, and my idea to try to find the answers in a book. Which brought me to—
"So I…um…went to Luca's."
"Ah."
I was afraid I would have to say more, to spell it all out, but from the flat tone in Theo's voice, it was clear he understood exactly what I wasn't saying. A sudden, heavy weight seemed to fill my chest, expanding outward and making it hard to breathe.
"Teddy…” My voice was a pained whisper. "I'm sorry. I never, ever, wanted to hurt you."
There was a long silence as we sat together on the step and I struggled to pull in air through a throat that suddenly felt much too tight. I was afraid to look at him, afraid to see the expression on his face.
Finally, he let out a long, slow breath. His voice was quiet. "So, you've chosen him."
I made a strangled sound, half sob, half gasp. My eyes filled with tears. “I…don't want to have to choose either of you."
He didn't answer, and the silence made it even worse. I lifted my head, my hands coming up to frame his face before I realized I was moving. "Teddy, if you make me choose, I'll choose you. I will. I didn't mean for anything to happen with Luca, and I don't want to lose you, but he…I…I can't—" I was crying too hard by then to get the words out.
"River." Theo's hands wrapped gently around my wrists. "River."
I swallowed hard and forced myself to meet his eyes.
"You're not going to lose me," he said.
“I…” I hiccuped. "I'm not?"
