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I wrapped my arms around his waist and nodded against his chest, and while it was comforting, it didn't completely quash the panic inside me. Because while Theo and Luca might be able to keep me from wandering off a cliff, they couldn't stop the darkness, couldn't stop me from losing myself. What if it started happening more often? What if it lasted longer? What if one day I disappeared completely?
I took a deep breath, inhaling Theo's familiar scent.
I'm here.
I'm still here.
And there was hope. Hope, in the form of a disgruntled antisocial recluse who wouldn't even answer his door. But something was better than nothing.
Theo seemed to read my mind, squeezing me tight before letting go. "Let's go see if Luca's had any luck with the crazy mountain man."
"You're sure this is the way we came?" I asked, peering through the windshield. The headlights of Luca's tiny car barely made a dent in the inky darkness. My head hit the roof for the third time in as many minutes as we bumped over the uneven lane. “Maybe I should have driven.”
"And have you black out behind the wheel? No way,” Theo said. “Relax, will you? There's no other way to go." He leaned even further forward and slowed the car down. "There was that turn somewhere—aha!"
I pitched against the door as he swung the car to the left. "And you say I'm a bad driver," I grumbled, rubbing my shoulder.
I could tell that Theo was anxious to get back to Luca—he'd been strangely quiet after we'd left the inn, and he'd insisted we eat our dinner in the car on the way back to the cabin. He hadn't even finished half his maizites, even though I knew he loved rye bread. I’d tried to talk to him, but had gotten only grunts in response.
"He's probably still knocking," Theo said as the car rolled to a stop.
I got out and looked toward the cabin.
"I don't think so," I said.
Smoke rose from the uneven stone chimney. And although the small windows were still dark, there was a shadowy figure standing in front of the door.
Theo took my hand. "Come on," he said, lighting the flashlight on his phone and taking off at a pace so fast that I had to jog to keep up. When we reached the stream, he didn't so much hurry me as spirit me across, wrapping an arm around my waist and half-lifting me through the fast-running water.
The figure moved toward us, and I recognized Luca's long strides.
"River," he said.
"And Theo," Theo muttered under his breath. I squeezed his hand.
Louder, Theo said, "So did you get him to talk, or what?"
"No," Luca said, matching Theo's stride, "but I did get him to open the door. He has agreed to see you," he added, to me.
"And Theo," Theo said again, rolling his eyes. "He's not going to start throwing punches, is he?"
Luca shook his head as we approached the cabin. He raised his hand, but before he could knock, the door swung open.
"You've made enough noise for one night," a low voice growled, and Julian stepped through the door.
He was shorter than Luca and broader, with shoulders that looked as though he spent his free time chopping down trees. His hair grew in tight black curls and was shot through with silver, as was his beard, though he didn’t appear much older than forty. His eyes gleamed like coals in the moonlight. He was also holding a chicken.
"If you'd answered the first time…” Luca said.
"Explain," Julian said, directing his dark eyes to me.
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. I glanced at Theo, then at Luca, but they were both watching me expectantly, eyebrows raised.
"I've been," I started, and stopped. How could I explain to this stranger what it felt like to wake with no knowledge of what I'd done or where I'd been? Or the sick dread I'd felt as I watched the dark blood from my hands swirl down the drain? There were no words to describe the feeling of sinking into darkness, of the slow elimination of every essence of myself.
So I didn't try. Instead, I grabbed Theo’s phone and wordlessly aimed the flashlight at my eyes.
Julian dropped the chicken.
