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“I’m not in pain right now, but I think that’s from the drugs the hospital gave me,“ I say. “I’m probably going to be on pain meds for a little while.“
He pulls his phone away. “Did you do this to yourself?“
I shake my head, my mouth dry. “No, I got in a car accident,“ I say. “Not on purpose, to be clear.“
“But you are suicidal?“
“No,“ I say. “But I am definitely seeing demons, and…I mean, that’s enough to institutionalize anyone, right?“
I can see him struggling not to smile. “How are your dreams?“
“Explicit,“ I say. “They’d make a sailor blush.“
“Have you been keeping a dream journal?“
“No,“ I say, biting my lower lip. There’s nothing about this situation that’s sexy. I’m wearing ill-fitting clothes, my hair is a mess, I look terrible. And this man is my fucking psychologist. But something about the way he’s speaking sends a shiver down my spine and there’s nothing I want to do more than jump this man’s bones right here and now. Now that’s crazy. “But I can, you know, tell you about them. If you’d like.“
The room is a bit dark, but I’m pretty sure he’s blushing. Still, he’s a professional. So when he leans forward, his elbows on his knees and his eyes wide, I’m pretty sure he’s only doing it because he’s doing his job. “Okay,“ he says. “Start from the beginning.“
TRINE
“It’s…always sex dreams,“ I start. My mouth is dry. I really wish I had some water. “It started with the exorcisms. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had sex dreams before. They just really ramped up after the exorcism.“
He waits for me as I wet my lips.
“I know sex dreams are normal,“ I say. “And, to be clear, I’ve never had any, you know, trauma or whatever. I’ve always been lucky. Every man I’ve ever been with has been really respectful, so…I mean, I understand not every woman has that experience.“
“We’re not talking about every woman. We’re talking about you,“ he says. “So were sex dreams common for you before that?“
I shrug. It’s so hard to think about my life before this happened, before the exorcism. Still, everything feels like it was a dream, and like it happened to someone else. “I mean, I guess? Once every couple of months. Now it’s a novelty if I don’t have a sex dream.“
“And is it always with the same…like, is it always the same situation?“
“Not always the same situation, but it’s always the same man,“ I say, looking at Malon’s face. God, should I tell him this guy looks almost exactly like him? Maybe not. I don’t want to embarrass him and this is already embarrassing enough. “And most of the time, I can’t see him that well. I just get this energy from him, like I know who he is, but his face isn’t clear. It almost feels like he’s a remnant of being possessed, which makes no sense, right?“
He raises his eyebrows. “It could mean a variety of things,“ he says. “Dreams can be our way to process the things happening in our lives, so it’s hard to know exactly why you’re dreaming about this man, but I think the fact that you can’t see him might be a trauma response to your exorcism.“
“Not the possession?“ I ask.
“Probably all of it, yeah,“ he replies. “Tell me exactly when you had the first dream, and what happened when you did. And start from the beginning, okay? So everything that might have anything to do with this. Give me context.“
“Is this therapy? I thought you were doing my intake.“
“This is providing me valuable information,“ he replies, a small smile on his face. “I have to understand why you’re here, exactly. That’s part of my job.“
I sigh, sinking down in the uncomfortable seat, and hugging myself tightly. The room is surprisingly cold in a way that feels sudden and harsh–that makes it hard to think. “I remember the first dream,“ I say, closing my eyes. “That was the same week that I remember waking up tied to my bed. My hair was pretty much buzzed off and I was surrounded by these tall, scary-looking men that said they’d just freed me from being possessed. I remember thinking that they were all so good-looking and I…I don’t know. I remember thinking that it was so weird, and I would’ve happily gone with them if they’d just asked.“
“Right,“ he says. “And then what happened?“
“And then Misha drove me home,“ I tell him. “Misha is the head of the exorcists, I guess Rei and Luke technically work for him. He was really sweet, told me that I’d be okay, and got me some tea when I got home. But everything felt so weird. Like it was something that was happening to someone else and not me.“
“Like you were dissociating?“
“Yeah, I guess,“ I say. “He asked me to go to bed and grabbed some clean clothes out of my closet. Then he called my best friend, Bryony, to come hang out with me.“
“What happened then?“
“I slept. For days, I think,“ I say. “But to be completely honest, it’s hard to remember the details. I was so tired. Exhausted, like I’d just run a marathon or something. Not that I’ve ever run a marathon, but I assume that’s how it feels. And then I slept, and slept, and slept.“
