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He sits next to me. He’s so close I can smell his aftershave. He drapes his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close to him, until my head is on his lap. He strokes my head as I try to take deep breaths, but this is all too much.
I’m vaguely aware that my body is shuddering as Rei holds me close. When I close my eyes, I can feel my heartbeat speeding up, and I don’t think I can take any other breaths. I’m ninety-five percent sure I’m going to die–whatever this is, it’s too late, there’s absolutely no way I can beat it, not even with their help.
I know I’m about to pass out, my breaths short, my hands fisted at my sides, my eyes brimming with tears. Everything in my brain seems jumbled. There’s no dignity in this, and I hate it. This man isn’t even my fucking boyfriend, and I’m sure I need medical attention, and he’s a doctor, and he’s not doing anything and…
“You’re breathing a little fast,“ Rei says, his hand still stroking my hair. “I think you’re having a panic attack, so just breathe with me, okay?“
I want to answer him, but I don’t think I’m capable of speech. “I don’t want to die like this, Rei,“ I say, and it sounds absurd because it is fucking absurd, but I can’t stop myself from feeling it.
“It’s okay. You’re okay, you’re not going to die, I’m not going to let anything happen to you,“ he says, slowly, quietly. His voice is soothing and I can feel it resonating in his chest. “I’m not going anywhere.“
I close my eyes tightly, tears sliding down my face, down my nose, falling on his lap. My head pounds as my hands and feet go numb and when I open my eyes again, it feels like I’m watching a movie–like everything that’s happening right now is happening to someone else and I’m just a spectator.
I rememberthis.
There are very few things about being exorcised that I remember, but this is one of them—watching it happen as if it was happening to someone else. I’m vaguely aware that I feel nauseous, but I also register that it doesn’t matter much. If I’m going to throw up, then at least I won’t feel it, I guess.
So there is that.
“Here,“ Rei says. “Feel the sleeve of my jacket.“
“What?“
“It’s really soft,“ he replies.
I don’t protest. At this point, everything I’m doing feels automatic, and my own movements don’t seem to be under my control. But as puts his arm in front of my face, I reach out and touch the fabric of his jacket. He’s right; it’s incredibly soft, and surprisingly lightweight.
“It’s nylon with leather details,“ he says. “I couldn’t actually wear leather down here, but there’s something I find really comforting about the fabric on my skin. It also means I don’t get burned. I don’t think I could use enough SPF out here if I try.“
This is ridiculous, but this conversation is helping me. I’m still playing with the fabric and there’s something I find centering about the feeling of it under my fingertips and the sound of his voice, along with the way his body moves when he speaks.
I feel like I can breathe again but I’m suddenly so exhausted I think I might just pass out in his arms.
“What the fuck was that?“ I say, interlacing my hands in front of my face. All this time, he’s never stopped stroking my hair.
“Was that the first panic attack you’ve ever had?“ he asks.
I shake my head, still unwilling to move other than to do that. “No, but it’s the first one I’ve had where it felt like it was genuinely going to kill me.“
“You’re really stressed,“ he says. “I don’t have to recap your situation, but the truth is, things are difficult right now. It’s normal that your reaction to this stress is something like a panic attack.“
“But I’ve had panic attacks before,“ I reply, finally straightening up. “They’ve never been like this. It’s never…“
“Right,“ he says when I trail off. “But you’ve never been institutionalized, possessed, checked out and then fucked on the hood of a car, have you? I mean, maybe you have.“
I laugh, shaking my head. “Guess not.“
“I’ll get you some water,“ he says. “And don’t worry, okay? I swear I won’t let anything happen to you. And…“
“And what?“
“I’m a doctor,“ he says, flashing me a smile.
I guess that should convince me, but I’m not sure it does. Still, when he walks away from me, even though he’s only walked a few feet away, I desperately want him to come back to bed.
But he did just say he’s a doctor. Not that we were together.
And I’ve never asked my doctor to come cuddle me before. And this, well, it seems like a weird place to start.
