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My heads swimming with the panic I feel and I start to feel the telltale tightening in my chest as I start rocking back and forth. I can hear Vikki and Maggie having a conversation, but I tune them out and focus on trying to breathe through the anxiety that’s attacking me from every corner of my mind.
“Hudson, are you okay? She’s gone now. She’s gone and she won’t call him. She won’t. I promise/”
I just shrug and she slips into the seat beside me., taking my hand and holding it to her chest.
“Breathe with me, Huds. Just breathe. I’m here and you’re safe. It’s okay. You’re okay. He’s not coming back. He’s not coming back.”
Her soft words break the damn inside me and I collapse against her, sobbing into her arms as she holds me tightly and rocks me.
“It’s okay. You’re safe. You’re safe. He’s not coming. I’ll talk to security and make sure he’s banned from set. I’ve got you.”
Her words soothe me enough that my cries slow to sniffles and she still holds me, helping me through it. The day passes quickly as I shave and cut my hair back into the style of Devon, but I need to reshoot some scenes, so I spend the remainder of the next few days shooting and ignoring Landon’s pleading looks.
By the end of the following day, I’m exhausted and I just want to curl up and sleep, but Vikki approaches me as I’m walking off set, curtailing Landon who was walking slowly behind me.
“You wanna talk about it? What happened yesterday?”
I give my head a shake as he leads me back to the trailer, linking her hand through mine.
“I’m okay.” My voice is robotic, empty. I don’t have the energy to lie to her, but I also don’t want her to worry.
She sits with me for a while, holding my hand, and I should take comfort from it but I’m just empty inside. I’m broken beyond repair and I’m glad today’s the last day of shooting for me. Landon’s tried to talk to me constantly over the past few days, and that thought should do something to me. It doesn’t. I just keep brushing him off. There’s nothing left to say. I know what he’s going to say and Vikki is there as a buffer. She knows something’s happened, not that I’ve told her. I told her it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore.
“Right, we have a three day break before we fly to Morocco. You’re coming to stay with Drew and I.”
She drags me with her to her car and pushes me into the passenger seat. I knew they’d rented somewhere downtown while we were shooting here. Drew’s one of our producers and he was one of my best friends, but I’ve not spoken to him in months.
The drive is short, and I grit my teeth as I realize that I can’t end it all with Vikki and Drew down the hall. Abbie will be there too, and I can’t do that to her. She’s their four year old and I adored her. I’m her godfather. I can’t let the last memories she’ll have of me be this. I used to babysit her and take her out with us, but in the last year I’ve only seen her twice.
We arrive at the house and Vikki drags my ass inside and for the first time in days I smile. I scoop Abbie up into my arms and spin her around. My next few days are spent with Vikki, Drew and Abbie. I smile at them, go to the beach, play with Abbie in the pool and make her laugh.
I read to her at night and watch her favorite princess movies.
She makes the days easier and by the time I’m ready to leave for Morocco, I think maybe living wouldn’t be so bad after all. In the car on the way to the airport, I glance around at them and realize that I’m a burden to them.
My heart drops again and when I hug Drew and Abbie goodbye, I make sure to tell them that I love them, because I really do. They are my favorite people and I’m so glad I got to spend a few days remembering what it feels like to be happy again.
We rush into the airport and into the VIP lounge. I feel his eyes on me as I walk in, but I ignore him as Cameron comes over to chat about the rooming arrangements. I’m holding onto my journal as Landon joins us and my fingers tighten on the soft black leather.
Part of me wonders if he recognizes it. The journal was one of the last gifts he got me, and it’s been everywhere with me over the last year. What he doesn’t know is that the ring I bought is tucked into the back cover.
“So, you two’ll be sharing and Calvin will be sharing with Eddie in the next hut. We’ll be there for two to three weeks depending on how everything goes.”
Landon nods his head and I just stare at him, wishing I could talk to him about everything. I think I miss him more as my best friend than I do as my lover.
Shaking my thoughts off, I turn to walk away when his fingers softly graze my arm and I glance at him. His expression is troubled with tightening around his eyes and his mouth a thin line.
“Huds, you okay?”
His voice is husky and makes my insides tremble with the familiarity it evokes. Warmth floods through me for a moment before I realize that he probably feels guilty for how things have been.
“I’m okay.”
His eyebrows raise showing his skepticism and he steps closer, chewing on his lip as he watches me.
“You can talk to me….” He breaks off and glances around for a moment before he steps into the space between my legs. “I’m worried about you, baby.”
The softness of his voice sets off warning bells inside my hear. I see for a moment behind the mask he wears to the boy I fell in love with. It almost knocks me breathless, until the voices in my head start screaming at me, drawing out everything else.
