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When did I stop loving spending time with the people I came up with in this industry?No, that wasn’t right.I still enjoyed his company—everyone else’s—it was the work that was wearing me down.Why?
If I examined that thought, I’d start to consider why things fell apart with Danny, and I wanted to stay mad at him.
Phillip made himself comfortable at the table, grabbed a slice of pizza, and slid me the box.
The food smelled good—I hadn’t eaten much in the last few days—but I had a mood to hold onto.“You wanted to talk?”
He popped the top on a soda, and washed down a bite of food.“You remember the accident?”Some of his cheer faltered in that question.
I didn’t have to askwhich one.When Phillip lost his wife and child, more than a decade ago, it devastated him.It wasn’t too long after I’d lost my father.Neither of us had ever shared the details; back then we were too tough for things likefeelings, and as time passed it was less appropriate to bring the topic up at random.
Not that I wanted to talk about losing my dad.Not even now.Not with anyone.
“I spent a lot of time alternating between blaming myself and asking myself what I could’ve done to save them.”His cheer was completely gone.
And his words were a punch in the gut.
“I still do, but I deal with it better.Though, there was a point where I figured if I didn’t let anyone get that close again, I’d be safe from that kind of pain,” Phillip said.
“I’m sorry to hear that.”Good story, but I hadn’t pushed Danny away, he left.I wanted Danny back.Fuck, this hurt.
“When I finally admitted it, I realized what I’d almost lost this time around.”
I didn’t know how to respond, but I didn’t like being dumped on while I was dealing with a fresher broken heart than he was.He had his second chance at happily ever after.I’d just lost my first, and the only one I wanted.
I shoved a bite of pizza in my mouth so I didn’t have to say anything, but Phillip’s words nagged me and mingled with what Reese said when she visited.
Would it be such a bad thing if I quit?
Not life.Never.But…
Work?
“Why did you decide to stay?At Aces?”I asked.
Phillip had hired Adrienne to take his place because he’d planned to leave the company.“I realized what I was looking for was still there.”
I didn’t want to hear a sappy story abouttrue love.“Adrienne and Dustin?”
Phillip’s smile didn’t push aside his lingering look of sadness.“No.Once I pulled my head out of my ass, I would’ve ended up with them anyway.For me, I need to be in a place where I can help people learn and grow.”
“Of course.”I didn’t begrudge Phillip the desire, but that wasn’t me.His words rolled around in my thoughts, along with the biggest ball of confusion in Salt Lake City.What was it I needed?What was missing?
Phillip pushed back from the table.“Keep the rest of the food.Adrienne and Dustin are freaks and don’t like pineapple on their pizza.”He pulled a business card from his wallet and set it on top of the box.“And call me.For any reason.I don’t care if it’s three in the morning and you just need someone to hear you scream incoherently.”
I didn’t know what to make of his statement or the card.I already had his number.
Phillip left, but I stayed at the table, staring at nothing and trying to both ignore and make sense of what he’d said and every thought and feeling those words tangled themselves with.
I grabbed the business card.Marcie Weller, Licensed Clinical Social Workerfollowed by contact information.On the back of the card, written in Phillip’s familiar handwriting wasShe works wonders.Call someone.
Did calling her mean I couldn’t fix this myself?
Did ignoring the offer mean I wouldn’t get Danny back?
Or Reese?
That Adam wouldn’t speak to me again—that the people at Aces wouldn’t—and I’d lose the last family I had?
