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“I’m not going back to Atlanta the same man I was. I needed this time with you. Reminded me that I really do need a woman to share my life even if it can’t be Kameron.”
“So, I prepared you for your woman back home? Now, you’ll be a better boyfriend?”
He kissed my lips softly. “Feels like no matter what I say, I’m hurting you.”
I removed his hands from my face. “I need your honesty no matter what. I’ve survived hurt that you can’t imagine. I can hear whatever you have to say.”
“Telling you the truth about Kameron...being able to say my feelings aloud was freeing in a way I can’t fully explain. Feel like I can give more of my heart to a woman now. That I will be a better man for my woman or the next one.”
“Just not me.” The words tumbled out before I could stop them. I hated sounding so defeated, so pitiful. I’d spent the last few days being free. Being sexual in ways, I hadn’t been with another man, even Nico. And it hurt to know that he would return to the states to a woman waiting with open arms, and I would return to my townhome alone.
“Do you want a part or all of my heart?” Bakari twisted his mouth, flashing his dimples. “At the risk of getting punched, I need to remind you, as you just told me. We have choices. This life of all work and no time for play is a choice you made to hide from everyone. You’re still scared to exist fully in this world. Scared that any moment God will take it all away. So, you take no risks. No one is denying you were dealt a mighty blow twice. First, you lose your mother and then almost your life to the same disease. That doesn’t give you the right to give up on whatever dreams of love you still have.” He tapped the space between my breasts. “You are alive, so fucking live. That man you love probably still loves you with a boundless deepness. Men don’t forget a love like that. Remember, you ended things with him. He never wanted the breakup. You can feel sorry for yourself or be angry all you want about yourself and me. But you can’t truly give me or any man all of you until you resolve your feelings for your ex, either.”
Unable to refute his words, I dropped my head from his direct, steady gaze. Bakari then pulled me on top of him, and we remained that way until we drifted back to sleep.
**
ONCE WE FINALLY DRAGGEDour emotionally drained bodies out of bed a few hours later, we jumped in the warm shower together. I looked up at Bakari, the steam and water making his rich brown skin glisten, and announced, “I’m going to leave tomorrow instead of Sunday. Our time together has come to an end. There’s no more we can learn from each other. Everything you said was correct. I’ve been afraid to truly put myself back out there, to take a risk on Nico or someone new. I also know I want to do what you and I have been doing this past week with a man who’s committed to me as I am to him. I want more than an experience. I want a lifetime.”
Although he nodded, his eyes seemed sad. “I want that for you too.”
“Thank you for making me believe in love again.”
The corner of his lips lifted on his right side. “No, thank you for reminding me that I do want real love.”
I kissed his goatee before speaking, “And I think you should meet up with your brother and his wife when they arrive on the island. Confront your feelings for once and perhaps for all. Maybe you’ll find that this Kameron no longer owns your heart. Don’t be afraid to find out.”
“I’m more afraid to find out that she does own my heart. That she feels the same for me. That this time my soul won’t let me leave her again. I don’t want to destroy my family.”
“Whatever happens, you still need to stop running. Maybe you still love Kameron, and she loves you, but both decide it’s not enough to destroy the family. Or maybe you and she go for it and let hell happen. Do what you feel is best for you but dosomething. You’re a good man, Bakari Youngblood, and you deserve the love your heart desires. You shouldn’t settle for less.”
Bakari's chest heaved up and down before he tugged me into his arms, and we embraced as the warm water cascaded around us.
