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He put the phone down and took Flora’s face in his hands. ‘Put some clothes on. I’ll call someone to see if we can get the kids sorted.’
‘Tilda, call Tilda. She’ll come.’ Flora felt her fingers tingling. She tried to move them, but they were stiff, as if they didn’t belong to her. ‘Johnny, what did Dad say? Is Billy all right?’
‘They’re at the hospital now. Billy’s being operated on. Let’s just get there. Come on, put these on.’ Johnny held out Flora’s jeans and a jumper grabbed from the pile of clothes at the end of the bed.
She tried to pull them on, but her fingers were trembling too much and she couldn’t make them stop. ‘Johnny, I can’t…’
He moved round to her side of the bed and helped her into her clothes. ‘Flo, you’re breathing really quickly; try and slow it down a bit. Put your jumper on, I’ll go and call Tilda.’
‘Is he going… is Billy going to be all right?’
‘Your dad didn’t say. Now come on, let’s just get to the hospital. Put these on.’ He pushed her feet into her trainers.
‘Johnny, what if—’
‘Flora, let’s just get there.’
Johnny sat Flora at the kitchen table as he scribbled a note on the pad on the dresser, waiting for Tilda to arrive. Flora tried to make sense of what she’d been told but nothing seemed real. She was shocked to realise that what she felt most was furious. She was so angry at Billy. Angry that he’d been driving too fast, angry that he’d been out too late. How could he have been so stupid?
Tilda swept in, gave Flora a tight hug and nodded at Johnny. ‘You go. I’ll sort out the kids when they wake up.’
‘Thanks so much, I’ve written down details of where we are on here. I’ll call when we know more.’ Johnny put his hand on Flora’s shoulder. ‘Come on, Flo.’
They drove through the cold grey light and soon joined the early morning traffic on the motorway, red tail lights slowly snaking their way towards the city. Johnny looked across at Flora in the passenger seat, her hands in a tight bunch in her lap. He so wanted to tell her everything was going to be all right, but the truth was he had an awful feeling that might not be true. Something in Robin’s voice had told him the situation was far more serious than that.
Flora looked at the people in their cars. She envied them, simply going to work, going about their lives as normal while hers was collapsing. Her fingers were still trembling.
‘It’s not too far, just another half an hour or so.’ Johnny glanced at her again. The colour had literally drained from her face.
Half an hour later Flora was still staring at her hands, her voice barely audible. ‘I can’t feel them.’
‘Not long now, darling. We just have to park. Try not to think about it until we get to see your parents.’
On arrival at the hospital, Johnny went to the reception desk and before long a nurse was showing them through a set of double doors to a small waiting room off to one side. Flora’s parents sat side by side on green plastic-coated chairs, holding hands. They both looked up, their eyes red-rimmed.
‘How is he?’ Johnny asked, putting his arm round Flora as he did.
Robin shook his head slowly. ‘I’m so sorry, Flora. They did everything they could.’
Flora put her hands over her ears, trying to stop the words becoming real.
Kate sat motionless in her seat, staring at the floor.
‘Oh God, Dad. No, please don’t…’ Flora looked at her father, willing him to change his story. This was not what was supposed to happen. Billy always pulled through. All through his life, whatever scrapes he’d been in, he’d always walked away in one piece. She closed her eyes, furious with her brother for not walking away from this one.
Johnny took her in his arms. ‘I’m so sorry, Flora.’ Her ears started ringing. She felt her limbs lighten, as if suddenly not part of her. Everything felt fragmented yet horrifyingly real. And as much as she wanted it to stop, she knew she couldn’t change what was happening.
Flora was only vaguely aware of various doctors coming and talking to them in the small waiting room, gently explaining how they’d tried to save Billy. But the damage done in the crash was too traumatic for his body to bear and, in the end, there was nothing more they could have done. She looked around at her family sitting in that waiting room, her parents and Johnny, and thought: everyone seems so still. And there was no sound. Just stunned silence.
* * *
When there was nothing more the doctors could say, they left the hospital together and walked across a bridge towards a church on the other side of the river from the hospital. Not that they’d ever been a churchgoing family – Easter and Christmas visits to their local village one when the children were younger was about the extent of it – but it had been Kate’s suggestion, and no one was going to argue.
As they walked along the pavement in the morning sunlight, Flora wanted to stop the people passing her, tell them about her brother. Tell them that he’d died in a car crash. Tell them that he was far too young to be gone. And it was hideous and unfair, and she hated that life was carrying on outside on the street as if nothing had happened.
They filed into the church after Kate, taking in the vast, silent space in front of them, the stillness in stark contrast to the noise of the outside world. Flora headed to a pew at the back and took a seat, Johnny next to her. He squeezed her hand. She felt the physical gesture but as much as she tried to sink into her body to find a feeling, she couldn’t feel a thing.
‘Johnny, why am I not crying?’ Her seemingly cold reaction frightened her.
