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‘I’m so sorry, too.’ They’d hugged each other tightly, Ruby’s eyes filling with tears. ‘Can we keep in touch?’ she asked shyly.
‘I’d love that,’ Flora replied. And she meant it.
His friends started to drift on to the village pub once the drinks in the church hall were finished, trying to drag Flora and Johnny with them. But she knew that she needed to stay with her parents, particularly her mother, who by this stage looked utterly exhausted, despite the smile Kate had stuck firmly on her face.
‘Mum, do you want me to run you back?’ Flora gently squeezed her mother’s arm as one of Billy’s friends commiserated with her on his way out.
‘I’m not leaving until the last person has gone,’ Kate said quietly.
Looking into her mother’s eyes, Flora could see the pain. She felt her heart break all over again.
* * *
In the weeks that followed, to all appearances Flora started to function more normally again. But really, she felt permanently underwater, seeing shapes and hearing sounds but unable to connect with any of them.
She spent most of her days at home, as instructed by Johnny, taking time out to get some rest. She was barely sleeping at night, too busy fighting to keep the darkest of thoughts out of her head. Subsequently, she was exhausted during the day, unable to focus. Sometimes she’d wake up, forgetting that anything had changed at all. Then, within seconds, it all came back to her and the same feeling washed over her, draining colour from the room.
The children had taken the news as expected, confused at first, then visibly sad. Pip wrote a long letter to Billy, telling him how much she’d miss him, and Tom drew a picture. They hung them on the tree in the garden until one day they weren’t there any more, taken by the wind. They asked the occasional question about his death and Johnny calmly explained it was an accident, sudden and shocking, but that the important thing was to remember all the happy memories they had of their uncle, rather than think about the way he had died.
One morning, whilst Johnny stirred porridge for the children at the stove, Flora walked into the kitchen wrapped in her dressing gown, took a seat at the table and suggested it might be time for her to go back to work.
Johnny turned to face her, noticing the dark circles under his wife’s eyes. ‘Are you sure? I mean, take as much time as you need. Mack and I can manage for now.’
‘I want to, Johnny. I need to do something other than sit here, trying not to think about things I don’t want to think about. I want to be busy.’
Johnny was reluctant but Flora insisted, and so, later that day, she joined him in the shop.
Mack greeted her with a warm smile. ‘It’s good to see you back, Flora.’
‘Thank you, Mack.’ She walked towards the counter, stopping at a gap on the shelves. There, where the bottle of Volnay once stood, sat a single dried white rose in an empty jam jar. She looked back at him.
‘I put it there the day after the accident. I’ve been thinking of you all. I’m so sorry, Flora.’ Mack looked at her over his glasses.
She managed a smile, worried the tears that threatened to fall might never stop. Blinking them away, she nodded her thanks, picked the rose out of the jar and made her way into the courtyard.
Johnny went to follow.
‘Leave her for a moment.’ Mack’s words took Johnny by surprise.
‘But—’
‘Believe me, it’ll do her no harm.’
‘You’ve been here before, haven’t you?’
‘Well, I didn’t lose a sibling, but my son died when he was very young.’
‘I did know that. I’m sorry if this is bringing back difficult memories.’
‘Ah, it was a long time ago, but I do remember feeling, well, very lost for a while. Here but not here, if you know what I mean.’
‘I do, as it happens,’ said Johnny, softly.
‘And it’s hard for you because you’ve got to grieve and keep everyone afloat. But if anyone can do that, Johnny, it’s you. Flora is very lucky to have you.’
‘I don’t know about that…’
‘She is. She will get through this, but it’s the only way to do it, I’m afraid. To go through it – you can’t go round it.’ Mack looked at Johnny, his eyes sad. ‘I think I’ve said enough. I don’t mean to interfere.’
