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‘Don’t drink it all. I’ll just go and say hello to the kids, then I’ll be straight back. I’ve got something to tell you, actually. Something good, hopefully.’
‘Can’t wait.’ Flora’s heart dropped a little. ‘I’ll pour you a glass.’
As soon as he’d left the room, she put her hands to her face and took a deep breath. Her phone rang. It was her mother.
‘Hi, Mum.’
‘Hello, darling, how are you?’
‘I’m fine, you?’
‘Well, I wouldn’t describe it as fine, but you know. Whatever.’
‘You’re right, Mum, I’m not exactly fine either, but you know what I mean. I don’t really know what else to say.’
‘How about angry? Or sad? Just something other than fine might be more meaningful. I heard you went to the doctor, got something to help you sleep?’
Flora stirred the pot slowly, took a breath before answering her mother. She could hear from Kate’s voice she was in the mood for a confrontation. ‘Mum, please. I’m not trying to belittle… I’m not… It’s just that I think,’ she paused, ‘I feel differently from you. Of course, I’m sad but I’m not angry any more. I don’t think I’ve got the energy to feel angry.’
‘Well, I am angry, as it happens.’ Kate’s voice was flat. ‘Angry that Billy isn’t here. And I’m really fucking angry that someone drove a car into his and that they are still here. They got to live. Billy didn’t.’
‘Mum, can we not… Please can we talk about this when we’re together? I can’t do this on the phone.’ Flora’s head began to fill with thoughts she didn’t want in there. The sound of cars, the flash of blue lights.
‘I know you don’t like talking about it, Flora. But soon there will be a trial and perhaps then you’ll understand.’
‘Mum, I can’t possibly ever know or understand how you feel. I haven’t lost a son. No one should ever have to go through that, I know that much. It must be the absolute worst feeling in the world. I can’t imagine what I’d do if anything happened to my two. But,’ she swallowed hard, ‘I lost a brother and that hurts too.’
Kate was quiet for a moment. Her voice softened. ‘I’m sorry, darling, but that’s how I feel. I’m not saying it’s any easier for you…’
‘Mum, I just—’
‘Let me finish, please, Flora. I’m just saying I feel angry, that’s all. And I’d like to be able to say so.’
‘OK, Mum. I know. And that’s totally fine.’
‘Will you please stop using the word “fine”, Flora. None of this is fine!’
By now Flora’s heart was pounding. She wanted to scream at the top of her voice, wanted to yell that it was so far from fine. But all she could manage was: ‘I’m sorry, Mum.’
‘No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be taking it out on you. But…’ Kate sighed heavily, ‘… your father is, well, he doesn’t say much, and I’m left feeling like I’m going mad. The world carries on and I want everyone to stop and know how bad it is that Billy’s not here any more. And it wasn’t even his fault.’
Flora could hear from her mother’s voice that she’d started crying. Johnny walked back into the kitchen, clocking from the look on Flora’s face that the conversation was complicated.
‘Look, I’ve got to go. I’m sorry but the kids need feeding and Johnny’s just got back.’
‘Of course, yes. You’re busy. Ring me when you have time.’
‘Mum, please don’t sound like that. Now I feel bad.’
‘No, you go. Bye, darling.’ The line went dead.
‘Well, that didn’t sound brilliant.’ Johnny picked up his glass from the table.
‘No, it really wasn’t.’ Flora sat down. ‘It was terrible, actually.’
‘What happened?’
‘It’s like, I don’t know…’ Flora was quiet for a moment. ‘The most terrible thing has happened but because we’re all dealing with it in different ways, we can’t talk about it. Like we’re just not able to find a way to talk about it. About anything, really. I literally don’t know what to say.’
