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‘Why did he do it?’ The words were out of Flora’s mouth before she could stop them.
Denise took a breath and held it for a few seconds before she spoke. ‘I wish I could tell you. I lie awake every night asking the same thing. Wondering if there’s something I could have done, should have done to change things.’ She nodded her head slowly. ‘The truth is, when I ask Stephen the same thing – which, believe me, I’ve done over and over again – he doesn’t have an answer either. He knows it was stupid. If he could go back, of course he’d do things differently.’
Flora blinked, trying to keep the tears behind her eyes from falling.
Denise continued, ‘Please don’t think I’m making excuses for him. I’m not. He’ll have to make his own amends when he’s… when he can. But in the meantime, please know that I am so, so sorry for what’s happened. I don’t expect you to forgive him for what he did, but…’ Denise paused, searching for the right words, ‘… I hope that he can make sure his past doesn’t determine his future. He owes it to your brother to do so.’
There was a long silence. A tray with a teapot, cup and saucer and small jug of milk appeared. ‘Can I get you anything else?’ The waitress smiled at them both.
‘Yes, please, can I ask you to warm up this teacake?’ Flora proffered her plate.
‘Thank you.’ Denise looked at Flora, smiling gently. ‘Think I might join you and have one of those, too.’
‘And another one, please,’ Flora asked the waitress. ‘And, please, can I have some extra butter?’ She turned back to Denise. ‘Best bit.’
Denise nodded, still smiling. ‘So, can you tell me about your brother? I’d love to know what he was like… only if you want to, of course.’
Flora wiped at her eye, the thought of him making her smile, too. ‘I’d love to tell you about him. He was brilliant, actually. I was lucky that he wasn’t just my brother, he was a real friend. We were always close, from a young age – perhaps because it was just the two of us – but even though he was a bit younger than me I always looked up to him. He was so secure in his own skin, happy to take what life threw at him. And he always seemed to be able to make the most of it. I think what I really loved was his fearlessness. He was just never afraid, no matter what. It was if it never occurred to him that something bad would happen.’
‘Oh, Flora, I’m so sorry…’
‘No, I don’t mean the accident. He was like that his whole life: just lived, you know, totally unafraid. I wish I could have been the same.’ She smiled to herself, remembering how he always teased her for worrying too much, about being caught swimming in the river, or creeping back into their parents’ house late at night. ‘In a way, I’m glad he didn’t know what was coming. It was like he lived his life just as he wanted right up until that point.’ Flora stirred her cup of tea slowly. She looked up at Denise. ‘I just miss him.’ Her voice was barely audible.
‘I can’t imagine how terrible that must feel. I’m so sorry, Flora.’
Flora looked up. Denise looked absolutely heartbroken. ‘Tell me about Stephen.’
‘Well, it’s quite a different story I’m afraid. He was… is,’ Denise corrected herself, ‘he’s always seemed to find life hard. It was always just him and me. His father left years ago. Stephen was too young to even remember him. He struggled as a child to make friends and of course I’ve always wondered if that’s my fault. Did I make him too…?’ Denise searched for the words. ‘I don’t know, I worry that if I’d done things differently, none of this would have happened.’
Flora remembered Mack’s words to her in the shop earlier that day. ‘You know, a friend of mine said that living your life trying to change the past will keep you stuck in the same place forever.’ Flora smiled. ‘Something like that, anyway.’
Denise reached across the table and squeezed Flora’s hand. ‘He sounds like a good friend.’
‘He really is.’ Flora nodded. ‘How is he doing? In prison… if you don’t mind me asking.’
‘He’s doing OK.’ Denise decided Flora didn’t need to know any more than that, wanting to spare her the details of the scars that would no doubt stay long after the bruises had gone. ‘I just want him home.’ Denise caught herself. ‘Oh, Flora, I’m sorry. That must sound so insensitive.’
‘No, I know what you mean. I’m just glad we’re able to talk. It’s not been easy for either of us, in different ways, I suppose. I can see that now. And maybe what’s happened might change the course of your son’s life in a good way.’
‘I will do everything I can to help make that happen.’
They looked at one another. Flora reached for Denise’s hand, taking it and holding it in her own. ‘Thank you.’
The two women left the café together and as they stood on the street preparing to say goodbye, unsure quite how to do it, snow started to gently fall. Flora spoke first. ‘Well, I’m going this way.’
Denise gestured in the opposite direction. ‘And my bus stop is that way.’
‘Thank you again. I really appreciate you coming.’ Flora held out her hand.
Denise took it with both of hers. ‘Thank you, Flora. I’m really glad you asked me.’ She shook Flora’s hand. ‘You take care.’
‘And you.’
They parted not knowing if they would see each other again, but for now, it was enough.
That evening, as Flora lay on the sofa, she told Johnny how the meeting had gone.
‘It’s so weird to be bound to someone by events out of the control of either of us. The sad thing is there are no winners. Everyone loses. But Denise is determined to try and help Stephen live a better life after he’s released, and that’s good to know.’ Flora looked at Johnny. ‘Honestly, it was awful seeing the pain on her face. Literally etched into her face.’ Flora touched her own.
