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A part of me has healed, and I thought that when that part mended, I would be whole. But I was so wrong.
I missed you every second, and I hated myself for it. How could I miss you? After everything you did, I should have hated you. But I didn’t. I still don’t.
I want you to know that I forgive you. And the reason is because I believe you, Dixon. It’s still so hard to process, but I believe everything. I just needed time. I know you meant every “I love you” and that what we had was real. For that, I want to thank you for protecting me when I needed protecting. But I like to think that I protected you, too.
I still miss and love you with every fiber of my being. You’re all I think about, but I can’t…this can’t go on.
I know I told you I got offered an internship at Mount Sinai, and I did. But I also got offered a position at St. Peter’s in Colorado. I took it.
I know moving a million miles away seems like I’m running away, but it’s not. I need to focus on my future, on who I want to become, and to do that, I need to move away from Manhattan. I need to move away from you.
I can’t live in a city where you live. And I can’t move on with you being so close by. You’re too much of a temptation. I need to sever all ties, and this is the only way I know how. I’m not strong enough to resist you. If I don’t go, I will just end up on your doorstep, and I don’t want that. I don’t want to ruin what we had because we can never get that back.
I don’t know how long I’ll be away because if all goes well, I’ve been offered a job. But I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. For the moment, I’m happy taking each day as it comes.
I beg of you, please don’t come after me. I want this. And I can assure you, I will also leave you be.
There are no words left other than thank you for believing in me. Thank you for taking a chance on someone who didn’t think she was worth taking a chance on. But most of all, thank you for making me feel like the most loved, most cherished girl in this entire world. I will never forget our time together, and when things get tough, I’ll return to the special place in my heart you’ll always hold.
I love you, Dixon. I always will. But I have to love myself more.
Next to this letter, you’ll find your mother’s necklace. I don’t feel right keeping it. I hope it canprovide you with the comfort it’s provided me. Maybe it’s your turn to be protected on whatever journey you decide to take. Whatever your journey, I hope you find happiness because you deserve it.
Yours forever,
Madison x
Protect us on our travels, wherever we may roam; keep us safe and guide us, always safely home.
Nine months later
“Good morning, Ms. Vale.”
“Oh, Dr. Mathews. Good morning.” Susanna jumps up from her desk and passes me a cup of coffee. “How was traffic this morning?”
I gratefully accept, needing the strong caffeine to numb my pounding headache. “It was awful, as usual. I’ve forgotten how terrible Manhattan drivers are.”
Her lips tip up into a small grin. “Already a convert?”
Draining my coffee, I nod. “Good Lord, yes. I only come back here because I couldn’t bear to go a week without seeing you.”
She snorts softly but quickly covers her mouth, embarrassed. “Always the charmer, Dr. Mathews.”
Reaching over her desk and stealing a muffin, I honestly reply, “Only with you, Ms. Vale.” She appears to want to respond but changes her mind at the last minute. “Thanks.” I hold up the chocolate muffin and make my way into my office.
The moment I turn on the lights, I groan as there is shit everywhere. This is one of the downsides of sharing an office with another psychiatrist who just happens to be a slob. I grumble to myself as I roll out my chair and notice stray granola bar wrappers under my desk. The trash can is inches away, sohowshe seems to keep missing it is a mystery to me.
But I’ve given up on understanding the mysteries of life a long time ago.
It’s been nine months since the only woman I thought I understood walked out on me and left me for good. This time, however, there were no second or third chances, and although letting her go hurt more than I ever thought possible, I did it because it was the right thing to do.
The night Madison left me was the start of my new life. I wouldn’t allow our relationship to be in vain, so once I returned from Boston with a broken heart and a little piece of award in hand, I turned over the proverbial new leaf.
First on the agenda was selling my shithole apartment. It was something I should have done months and months ago. But I suppose my house only really felt like a home once Madison set foot inside. When Lily left me, I had no qualms living within those four walls, holding on to the memory of what we once had. But when Madison left me, all I wanted to do was set it on fire and burn it to the ground.
Not keen on dabbling in arson, I contacted an old friend who was a real estate agent. He said he could make us a mint because my neighborhood was one of the most sought after inManhattan. But I wasn’t interested in fortunes. I just wanted out.
It sold to a newlywed couple from Chicago within a week.
