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“Home.”
“Don’t have one. And my feet hurt now.”
I’m hoisted onto a step and then up onto a higher one, and then his blurry face comes close to mine. I get lost in it for a minute, my hands reaching for his hair to bring him closer. I could kiss him now. Enjoy it. I’m not married anymore. Widow. Dead husband. Dead cheating husband. I can sleep with the world if I want. He said that earlier, said I’d feel better if I fuck someone. I snicker again, rolling my tongue over my lips at the thought.
“Gray?” murmurs from me, as I run my fingers along the back of his neck. “Gray. My friend Gray.”
More time passes, both of us hovering rather than moving. It’s nice, in a shadowy way. I feel free, or lost. And he’s pretty up close. Maybe not quite as dangerous and scary as I originally thought. Don’t know. He’s nice to look at. Eyes are still weird, though. Dark. Formidable. Stormy. Why is he frowning? He’s always frowning. Don’t know what he’s got to be unhappy about. Miserable bastard. Nice, though. Honest. Real.
My fingers crawl around his face, heading for the crease in his brow so I can rub it out.
“Only I’m allowed to be miserable, Mr Rothburg.” More seconds. More staring. Intense. Brooding. I laugh and look into his eyes, frowning back at him to try and make him smile. He’s nice when he smiles. Better when he laughs. Rich. Warm-blooded. But then he takes my hands from his neck and turns away from me.
“Jump on,” he says, pushing his back towards me. “I’ll carry you.”
Okay.
My legs wrap around his waist, arms around his neck. He’s like my horse. Another snicker. Gray Rothburg, my personal servant. I lean my chin on his shoulder and watch the world blur by me rather than think of frowning. I don’t want to frown. I want happy and smiles and laughter, all of it over and over again so I don’t have to think of anything but this here. It’s all pretty around me. Shapes and colours, all of them black and white, car lights making it all seem red and hazy. “Are we going to the men fucking place?” I mumble.
“I’ll take you another day.”
“Like a sex club? I need one of those.”
“You need a bed.”
“I do. You’re right. With men fucking in it. You can watch with me. We’ll drink more tequila and score them points for ability.” He laughs beneath me, his back vibrating in that glorious rumble he does when he doesn’t want to laugh. “One to ten. One for awful, and ten for that was nearly enough for me to join in.” No noise. No laugh. “And if you’re lucky I’ll rub your cock while I’m watching. That’ll make you smile.”
There’s silence for a while, nothing but the sounds of the night around us and a siren or two. Or maybe that’s just a fantasy I’m making up. It can’t be silent. This is Manhattan. At night. A place I neither know nor want anymore. I lean in tighter and wonder if this is life now. Drinking. Labouring. Being somewhere I don’t want to be. At least I’m making friends with people I didn’t know before. “You’re my friend now, aren’t you Gray?”
My friend. He’s all I’ve got. I lean harder on his shoulder and pull my arms tighter. He saved me from that place, and that fucking woman with her breasts and her dark and dangerous. I’ve never been that. I want to be. Gray is. I can tell. He’s got that look about him. The one that makes me feel insecure and unsteady under his gaze. Sharp eyes. Moody outlook. I try looking at them as we’re walking, but the angle isn’t right. I want to look at them. They’re pretty. No, not pretty – I start moving, trying to claw my way around his body until I’m in front of him and still hanging on – they’re poisonous. They bore in, making me feel irrelevant – unworthy even.
“You’ve got killer eyes,” I declare, looking into them. “Cold. Lifeless until you laugh. Laugh for me.” He doesn’t. He just stares, as I peer into them, occasionally flicking them so he can see where we’re going. I tighten my grip around his waist to help him hold me up, bringing my face to within inches of his. I should kiss him. Wake that smile up again. “How does my ass feel in your hands?”
“Firm.”
“I want anal sex.”
A chuckle rumbles out of him, making those eyes of his spring to life. Glorious. “That’s dirty talk, Mrs Tanner. I thought you were grieving.” I let my arms slip from his neck at the thought, flinging them back behind me, but still clinging on with my legs.
“I can be dirty if I want to be. I’m the widow of a man who was fucking the whole world. A rich widow thanks to you.” I look behind him, watching a man who’s following us for some reason in a suit. He’s attractive too. I could do two men. I think he was in the bar with us. Oh yes, blonde hair. “I’m going to do everything I’ve never done before. Including anal. And watching men fuck.”
The lights suddenly brighten, making me squint and duck my head into his shoulder.
“Good evening, Mr Rothburg,” a female voice says. “Do you need help?” I’m shrugged up harshly, body pushed around until I’m over his shoulder and looking at the floor.
“No,” he replies.
The floor’s moving. Why is the floor moving? I watch it moving under me, wondering if it is or I am. And then I notice his ass looking at me. His is firm, too. I reach for it, my fingers grabbing in to check out the tightness.
“Stop it.”
“No. It’s a good ass. Deserves a squeeze.”
A ping sounds, making me look up and around for whatever it is. There’s nothing there, but he starts moving under me again, long strides as his shoulder digs into my stomach. Marble floor. We must be in another bar. Good. More tequila. I liked the sticky floor, though. It was real there. This seems all stylish and high end again. I don’t like it. I want my real again, dirty and normal. People are honest there. Safe.
I’m suddenly being lifted, and before I know it something soft bounces against my back. I roll into it, letting myself sink into the fluffiness. The zip of my dress gets pulled down my spine, cold air rushing over me because of it. Then the belt gets undone, and then it’s all shrugged off me. Good, he can see the underwear I bought. Pretty. Thought Rick the dick deserved the best for his funeral. Should have worn my sports bra and jeans for all that was worth.
“Fuck,” his voice says.
