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“What is your trick?” I ask, still being towed by his hand.
“I have several, which one are you talking about?” he rumbles, a chuckle coming soon after. Deeper and deeper we go down the tunnel, the sounds of the music above us disappearing. “I have how to dangle a woman on a thread by any body part I’m amused by. Useful. I also have how to fuck a woman to death. It depends on my mood. I don’t like women much.” Perhaps I should gasp, or show horror at the thought, but it all seems so natural from his mouth. And he can’t mean it anyway. It’s just a taunt, something to make me feel fear again so that I shiver under his stare. Not this time.
Not anymore. There is no fear. No pain either.
“Swinging balls?” I ask.
“We’re here.”
The sudden dank cave we arrive in holds nothing but chilly air and a fusty outlook. I shiver instantly, wondering what this has to do with anything. He lets go of me and circles the small space, eventually lighting a torch and replacing it in a holding after he’s lit another few.
“That’s beautiful,” I whisper, stepping forward quietly.
Swathes of light dance across the expanse of water that was hidden in the dark when we arrived. It flickers off the roof of the cave, skipping across stalactites that hang low. I’m mesmerised by it, part in awe of anything so magnificent and aged. One lone droplet ripples down on the calm surface, pushing a wave of wrinkles across the perfection.
“Take your dress off.” My head swings back to look at him slowly, body inching forward again to the water’s edge.
“Why?”
“You’re going for a swim. And I like that dress. It’s my wife’s. Malachi says go for a swim.”
Malachi says.
I shiver again and look at the perfectly still water, wondering what it would be like to swim somewhere like this. Cold, I should think. Still, I can’t stop myself from walking closer to it, tempted into the thought, as I scrunch the fabric of my dress higher. The heels slip from my feet, toes reaching for the edge. I could dance in it. Rise and fall and find a rhythm of my own down here without anyone to interrupt my thoughts. I’d be reborn. A new me. A me who worries for nothing and thinks only about what she needs rather than what men want.
Another step gets me closer, close enough that a small pebble tumbles into the surface and creates more magical undulations. I reach forward, trying to trace the patterns with my fingers before they come to a still again.
“She is not going swimming.”
Gray’s voice cuts through the silence, and I turn to see his hazy form ducking through the tunnel entrance behind us. His full, black mask sits on his face, showing barely any resemblance to the beauty I know beneath it, but I know that voice. I can feel it again, crawling through me and pulling me backwards away from this majesty. “What the hell are you doing, Malachi?”
“Playing.”
“Stop it.”
“No. Malachi says go for a swim.”
Malachi says.
I turn back for the water again and let it mesmerise me further. Dramatic. Like me. I laugh and tune out the sounds of them talking behind me. Harsh words. Bitter words. Words filled with anger and hatred. I don’t care for it. I care for this and the offering it brings to cleanse myself of before.
My hands grab at the clips behind my neck, opening them so the dress skims and pools down to my bare feet. Cold. So cold. Not lifeless, though. Here is full of life and memories. Decades of them. I’ll swim and splash, laugh and linger in the timeless sensation. One step, two, and the icy chill flows through my skin and bones. I suck in rapid breaths, trying to stay calm as it assaults me.
Frigid.
Not like me.
Deeper in I go, hands splayed out to the sides of me as I push the waves around. It licks at me, creating patterns across my skin. So peaceful here. Quiet and noiseless. Only the sound of the water and me breathing through it. It flows over my breasts, making me gasp and stutter out, as my nipples tighten painfully. My teeth chatter. Chattering. We used to chatter. Rick and I. We talked and planned, made a future in front of us to dream about.
Lies.
One more step and the rocky ground underneath me disappears. A breath hauls into me and I sink under, slowly descending. There’s a beat in my ears. Music running along with my heartbeat. Charming. I’m cocooned in here. Lost and drifting, yet held tight in a grip swirling endlessly to keep me still and comforted. So quiet. No din or stimulus. Just me and my body sinking downwards, the distant sound of my own music carrying on.
Bubbles creep out of me, and I watch them rise upwards and away from me through the murky water all around. I’ll break the surface with them soon. Arise and be new. But not yet. I’m sinking first. Finding the bottom so I can push off it when I get there.
Chapter 14
Gray
