AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He seems so real, as do the words and the feelings they cause in me. Rick’s gone. As has the life I had before Gray. It’s all immaterial now. I’m new. Alive. Floating on a precipice as if daring myself to jump off the cliff and fall. And these words, they make me desperate to make more of them than this space between us allows.
“I’ve never said it before, Hannah. Never damn will again other than for you if you’ll let me. All I need is for you to acknowledge them. Make it real for yourself and it will be. I want to share my life with you. Live it with you.”
Still I stand motionless, clutching this coffee in my hands as if it’s able to help me somehow. It won’t. The only thing that will help is letting go and trying to find happiness in something that is fraught with problems and limitations. Or walk away to risk never finding someone like him again.
“You’re still married.”
“Not if you don’t want me to be. That’s easily remedied.”
For a second I don’t understand that, and then the unavoidability of the statement lands hard, as does the indifferent tone of his care for the issue.
Turn the machines off.
The coffee cup drops from my grasp, feet faltering backwards at the onslaught of emotions that wash over me. Pain. Outrage at the thought. Disgust even. But I also can’t reject the sense of elation that causes, too, the real and possible imagery that there is a way forward if I let it happen.
Tears spring, unwelcome, into my eyes, as guilt consumes what was once only confusion. It rakes through me, making me sink to the ground in search of answers that don’t involve the death of someone. “I can’t …” The words splutter out around sobs, all while I tremble and try to find another way. “There must be another way.”
Arms wrap me up into them. Strong arms. Strong arms and hands that sweep my hair from my face so that he can look at me again. “This isn’t your fault,” he says, holding my cheeks. “This is my fault. The car crash, the state she’s in. We argued. She drove off in her car and I chased her down in mine.” Oh god. His fault. “My fault, Hannah. Not yours. It’s me who holds the responsibility here – not you.”
My lips tremble, tear-filled eyes looking at his, as his fingers brush my hair back again. “God knows I don’t deserve love or happiness, but I’ll take it if you’ll let me. I’ll give you everything I can if you’ll let me. All of it.” His head drops, the weight of it resting on my chest. “All of me.”
Happiness? Where is it in this scenario? We’d be starting from death, having already lived the sex without knowing who we are in the beginning.
My fingers hang limply against his body, heart listening to nothing but the continued thuds of us so close. Connection was never the problem.
Truth was.
Still is.
Hours might go by as we stay here crunched into a ball on the floor, limbs entwined. I don’t know, as I stare into the distance and try processing. He moves me after a while so I’m resting on him, my head buried into his chest and tears staining his shirt. We’ve become a twisted mess of love versus guilt. Emotion versus culpability. And yet all that seems laced with future and hope and something that feels so real to me, so alive and honest, that I can’t bear the thought of it not evolving into the beauty it could be.
He eventually stands and lifts me from the floor, shrugging me closer and refusing to let an inch worth of space to come between us. His lips rest on my head the whole way, as walls pass by. Words mutter into my hair. Beautiful words. Words that make me remember all the things that make us special to each other.
Honest words.
Stairs take us downwards, then downwards again, as he continues murmuring and whispering. Love, honour. Regret for times past. Wishes that it could have been different than it is. Hope. God forgive him for the things he’s done and the things he’s going to do. And suddenly we’re in the lounge and he’s putting me on a chair and backing away.
I watch his dishevelment, unused to the state of it or him with such emotion engrained in his features. “I won’t do this to me or you anymore,” he says. “Can’t.” I blink, hands trying to swipe away tears that keep coming. “Stay. Sleep. I’ll be back tomorrow.” He turns at that and starts out of the corridor, purposeful strides echoing a death toll at me that will be my fault as much as his.
“Gray. Wait.” He stops. No looking back at me, but his head hangs.
“Don’t do this Hannah.”
My fingers tighten on the robe, unsure what I’m trying to convey but needing to convey something. “Don’t go. Stay.”
“And what? Talk more. Find answers where there aren’t any?” He turns slowly to look at me. “We both know what needs to happen here, and I’m not having you make that decision. It’s already been made as far as I’m concerned.”
“But-“
“No. Enough. You deserve more than that.”
My hand reaches forward, but he’s turned and gone before I can find more words to stop him. Part of me doesn’t even try to. It tells him to go, to finish something so we can start anew without anything in our way.
Anyone.
My legs pull up slowly, scrunching tight to pull me into a ball, and I let the tears come without trying to stop them. What happens when he gets back is unknown, because the guilt I feel as I hear the elevator close, the pain inside, the self-disgust and hatred, is too agonising to tolerate regardless of the love.
Chapter 21
