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Janice was no longer worried but resigned. She knew his death was inevitable and felt guilty because she wanted his life to be over sooner rather than later. It was not because she hated her father but because she loved him and could not bear to see him in such pain.
His cough had become worse, and the sight of the bloody phlegm that he brought up made Janice feel sick. She had often thought of giving him too much poppy milk one day so that he would not wake up. After all, she reasoned, they did it to sick horses and dogs, and her father was barely alive anymore.
“I wish he would just die, Maudie,” Janice said one dark rainy morning. She had half expected the old lady to be shocked, but Maudie had lived a long time and had heard everything. “I am sorry; I did not mean that.” She buried her face in her hands in shame.
“Aye, mistress, ye did,” she replied. “Dinnae worry. Many people feel this way when their loved ones are sufferin’. I understand.”
Janice sat down by her father’s bed and smiled as his eyelids fluttered open. He looked at her directly for the first time in days, and his grey eyes were clear and lucid. He reached for her hand and kissed it, then held on to it with a surprisingly firm grip.
“You are a good girl, Janice,” he murmured. “I know you will look after the estate when I am gone, and I know you will find a good strong man to take care of you. I will not push you anymore.”
Janice was just about to reply when Alasdair entered and sat down on the other side of the bed, then grasped his father’s other hand. The healer had obviously gone to fetch him, and since he was dirty and smelled of horses, she supposed that he had been working in the stables. How he had changed! This could not be the same man who had made such a fool of himself in the contest only a few weeks earlier. She did not have time to reflect on it, however, because her father was speaking again in his weak, hoarse voice.
“I am so proud of both of you,” he said, as tears began to leak from his eyes. “I know my time has come, but I go to my grave happily, knowing that my affairs are in order and you are all well provided for. Alasdair, find yourself a good woman, as I did.”
Alasdair smiled. “I will, Da.” He stroked the laird’s head. “And I will be a good laird, I promise.”
“I know you will,” the old man whispered. Suddenly his eyes opened, he looked upward, and a broad smile spread across his face. “Annie, it’s you! I am coming, sweetheart. I am coming…”
Then, still smiling, he closed his eyes and took one last breath before his chest stopped rising and falling, and his heart stilled forever.
They were silent for a few seconds, then Alasdair whispered, “Thank God.”
Janice nodded. “It is a strange thing to say, but I am glad he’s gone. He is at peace now.” She wiped a tear from her face, then stood up and drew the bedsheet over his face. “Will you stay here while I fetch Cathy? I know it is foolish, but I don’t want to leave him on his own.”
Alasdair nodded. “Yes, and it is not foolish. I feel the same way.”
Janice slipped out of the door and found Cathy already waiting for her.
“Is he gone, mistress?” she asked gently.
“Yes,” Janice replied. “How did you know?”
“I can always see death approachin’,” Cathy answered. “I saw the signs last night, an’ I was right. It is a merciful release, though. He was in a great deal o’ pain. Now I will get the ladies fae the village tae lay out the body. Is there anythin’ else I can dae for ye, hen?” Her blue eyes shone with kindness.
Janice shook her head, unable to speak. A moment later, she turned and ran to her bedchamber, where she threw herself onto the bed in a storm of weeping.
* * *
It had been a very long time since Bernard had smiled. Indeed, he felt as though he would never do so again, even when he tried to distract himself by forming a relationship with another young woman. Catriona Hamilton was small and pretty with blue eyes and dark red hair, and he had thought that courting her would help him forget about Janice. He was wrong.
Comparing the two women had only made him realize what he missed about her. They were like day and night, with Catriona being the day and Janice the night. Catriona was gentle and biddable, whereas Janice was fiery and stubborn. Janice would raise her voice to him as soon as something displeased her, whereas Catriona would sit quietly, either to sulk or to wait for him to apologize. She was a gentle soul, but a gentle soul was not what he needed. He wanted someone fiercely intelligent and easily roused to both bodily and spiritual passion.
The first time he kissed Catriona, he found no answering ardor on her part, only a soft pressing of her closed lips against his. When he gently prised her lips apart, put his tongue into her mouth, and pulled her against his body, waiting for the familiar surge of his arousal to appear, nothing happened. Unlike the spark that always burst into flame when he and Janice kissed, he felt no reaction at all.
Then, abruptly, she pushed him away and jumped back in shock. “What are ye daein’?” she gasped, her blue eyes wide with horror. “I dinnae want yer tongue in my mouth!”
He shook his head and smiled at her. “It is what people who like each other do, Katie,” he said gently.
“It is dirty!” She almost spat the word, her whole face a mask of disgust.
“Have you ever kissed anyone before?” he asked curiously. “Because this is not unusual.”
“Aye, I have, but it was no’ like that!” Catriona replied, gulping down the glass of ale that was sitting at her elbow as if she wanted to wash the taste of him out of her mouth. She was furious.
He almost smiled. He had wanted passion, and now he had it, although not quite in the way he had wanted it. “I am truly sorry,” he said, “I forgot you were not one of the ladies with whom I usually keep company. Please forgive me, Katie. You are a good, kind country lass, and I have been mixing with people who are a little more worldly. I did not mean to upset you.”
Catriona looked up at him, frowning in displeasure for a moment, then her whole expression changed to a smile. “A’ the girls are jealous o’ me because I have such a handsome lad,” she told him with a little sigh. “They a’ wish they were me, but I am no’ used tae yer fancy ways.”
