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“I’ll tell you what it is after you each try it.” Grandma gives me that look that always made me step in line as a child.
Without giving it further thought, I grab the bottle and take a shot. It burns as it slides down my throat like scotch or cheap whiskey. My eyes water and I can’t help the sputter and cough that follows.
“You’re next, son,” Grandma says, eyes twinkling like stars in the sky.
Ryan gives me a curious look before taking the bottle in his hand and tossing back a drink. He instantly coughs and turns his watery eyes back to me. “Did she just poison us?”
“It’s not poison, silly. It’s a fertility potion.”
The only sound is the crackle of the fire. Everyone is stone silent as we absorb her words. “A fertility potion?” I croak.
“Hey! Guaranteed to help with the baby making process,” Grandma coos.
“Uhhh, I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Emma, but we haven’t been trying to have a baby, so I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t wound my manhood before it’s had a chance to prove itself.”
“Oh, fooey! I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with your manhood, Ryan. In fact, it looked rather impressive that day at your condo. Not to mention the sounds coming from my granddaughter that night at the Bed and Breakfast.”
“Nope, not happening. Change the subject,” my dad begs.
“Oh, Brian, it’s a natural part of life. Everyone has the sex, some just better than others.” With that, Grandma winks at me.
“Let’s see what else is in here,” I say, digging into the bag.
I pull out a beautiful pillow in hues of white. An intricate design of different types of white fabric is weaved throughout. It’s delicate, yet resilient. “Oh, Grandma, this is beautiful.”
I show the pillow to Ryan before passing it to AJ beside me.
“Isn’t it? When I saw it, I knew it was perfect for you and Ryan. I could just picture it gracing your bed. It’s a fertility pillow.”
AJ screams and tosses the pillow back at me as if it were trying to bite her.
“What the hell is a fertility pillow?” Ryan asks, taking the pillow and examining it a little closer.
“You’re supposed to position the pillow beneath her hips to help keep them elevated,” Grandpa explains. “That position helps you get deeper, therefore shorten the length your sperm has to travel to reach the uterus and the descending egg.”
“And Jaime is supposed to continue to lie on the pillow for at least twenty minutes after your ejaculation. It’ll help keep her hips elevated and ensure gravity takes the spermies where they’re supposed to go,” Grandma adds
“Spermies?” Lexi whispers.
“Ejaculation?” Abby adds.
“I’m out of here,” Dad hollers as he stands up and walks over to give me a hug. “Love you, girl. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Night, Dad. Love you, too.” He shakes Ryan’s hand and kisses each of his other daughters before heading around the side of the house to his truck.
“Why exactly do we need all of this? We’ve lived together in our new house for about twelve hours. We’re not trying to get pregnant.”
“Hogwash! It’s never too early to perfect the technique of baby makin’.” Grandma smiles proudly across from us.
“I’m already a professional at that,” Ryan quips, drawing laughter from my sisters.
“I’m sure you’re not bad, but there’s always room for improvement! When Orval and I were first dating, he would get all awkward and grabby, thinking everything was the equivalent of a stress ball. It took us a while to get into the groove of nookie together.”
“Oh, God, she said nookie,” Abby mumbles.
“What’s this?” I ask, pulling out a leather strap and realizing instantly what it is, unable to retract the words or close my eyes quick enough.
“That’s a flogger, sweetie! They used them in that Christian Grey movie. Grandpa and I like to reenact those scenes. They’re super fun.” Grandma smiles proudly as fire flickers in her eyes.
