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Chapter Fifteen
Payton
My stomach growls angrily beneath the covers, but I’m not in any condition to move. Dean has his arms wrapped around me, our naked and sated bodies entwined beneath starch white sheets. It’s the most comfortable–and lest I forget, the most natural–feeling in the world. I’m content. Happy, even, and that can’t happen.
It’s not that I don’t believe in happiness, because I do. I see it every time Jaime and Ryan or Meghan and Josh are in the room. It’s just that it’s not for me. Sometimes, life deals you a hand that leaves a void that you’re unable to fill with laughter, kisses, and great sex. And I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve never really had all three of those simultaneously before. With Cole, I thought I had it all, until I didn’t. Even though we were young, the kisses were nice and the sex satisfying, but the communication was definitely left lacking. The laughter turned to tears, and there wasn’t anything he could do to change it.
Now after experiencing sex with Dean? I realize that what Cole and I had was subpar, at best. And it wasn’t just him; it was me too. I’m adult enough to admit that our relationship wasn’t easy or perfect. At the end, I forced the issue that we weren’t meant to be, and I still stand by that decision. Not that I’m writing Dean’s name on the line beside the words The One, but things are definitely a little different this time around. It’s complex and easy at the same time, and that’s what concerns me the most.
I can actually picture a relationship with Dean McIntire. I can’t and won’t go as far as to see white picket fences and two point five kids, but that doesn’t mean I don’t picture him and I snuggled up on the couch late at night on a Friday watching CSI reruns. And that’s why I need to stop this charade before it gets carried away and ends in hurt.
“I can feel your brain working overtime. What are you thinking about?” he asks, his hand drifting down my side and resting on my hip.
“Nothing much.”
“Something tells me that it’s a lot more than nothing much.” Dean turns us both until we’re facing each other. The concern is written all over his handsome face, in his rich, caramel brown eyes. “What’s the matter?”
I guess this conversation is going to happen sooner, rather than later. I just hope he still lets me share his hotel room on our last night in Richmond. If finding an available room was impossible two nights ago, there’s no way I’ll find one now at almost midnight.
“I was just thinking about this thing between us,” I state.
“I don’t think you’re referring to the impressive bulge that’s getting unbearably hard between us right now, are you?” His smirk makes me laugh. It also draws my attention to the fact that his very hard erection is front and center and pressed against my stomach.
“No, I’m not. This thing between us, I mean, even though we’ve spent the last couple of nights together, it’s still not…well, it can’t go any further than just friends.” My heart is hammering in my chest, my brain screaming at me to quit lying, because this could easily turn into something more than just friends.
“Really? Because I was just thinking the complete opposite of that.”
My breathing stalls in my throat, and I start to shake my head. Damn it! I was afraid of this. Up until we shared a hotel room, we were like-minded in the whole ‘a relationship is bad’ scenario. I have to blink rapidly to keep a sudden bout of tears at bay. And I’m not a crier, so why in the hell am I so emotional right now?
“No, hear me out,” he says, putting just a little space between us as he backs up, but doesn’t remove his arm from beneath my head. “I have rules about dating clients. There’s not something in the agency by-laws or employee handbook, but something I determined for myself a few years back. I want to tell you all about that, but not right now.”
He looks thoughtful at me, and I can tell there’s a story behind his self-imposed no dating clients rule.
“When we’re together, you make me smile. You make me laugh. And you damn sure turn me on so much I can’t think straight in your presence. I’m not proposing marriage or a new living arrangement, or anything of that caliber, but I’d love to spend more time getting to know you. I already know you’re incredible, passionate, beautiful, and loyal. There are probably a million more qualities that make you you, and I want to find out what those are.”
“Dean, I just don’t think it’s a good idea. I really like you, but this can’t go further than what it is now.”
“I’m not asking for a big leap, Payton. I’m asking for a chance. I’m asking you to have dinner with me publicly, and maybe if someone asks, you can say we’re seeing each other. Nothing more. I want to be able to call you and talk about your day, and maybe even kiss you whenever I want without feeling like it’s against the rules. I just want to spend more time with you. That’s all.”
God, does that sound nice. I mean, to have someone besides one of my sisters to call when I need to talk or to have dinner with an actual person instead of the hero starring in whatever movie I’m watching.
But could it really be that simple?
He makes it sound so easy, and maybe it is. I’ve known all along that I made my relationship with Cole harder than it needed to be because it was the only way I could think of to protect myself, my heart. And even then, in the end, I felt every broken shard. Of course, that ache in my chest was so much bigger than mourning the ending of a relationship, it was saying goodbye to a dream.
And that still fucking hurt.
But having dinner and talking to Dean doesn’t mean I’m destined to dig up ghosts best left buried. It means I need to be on guard and take this nice and easy. Baby steps, if you would.
Wow, Payton. Bad choice of wording.
Pulling my attention back to Dean, he’s anxiously awaiting a response to his declaration. The way it rolled off his tongue let me know that he’d probably been thinking about it, possibly planning his words for some time now. Me, on the other hand, felt off kilter and caught off guard. Maybe that’s the reason I found myself saying something I never expected to come from my mouth.
“Okay.” I take a shaky breath and blink off the onslaught of tears I feel prickling the back of my eyes again. Dammit, with the stupid tears!
Another deep breath, I get lost in the black speckles in his dark brown eyes. “I really do enjoy spending time with you, Dean, so please know that has never been the issue. I have things, things in my life that have kept me from jumping into an actual relationship. Someday, maybe I’ll tell you about them, but not now.”
“I’m not pushing you. I just want to go home tomorrow and know that calling you before bed is an option.”
