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I shrug. “My appetite isn’t big,” I tell him, which is partially the truth. I’ve never been a big eater, at least not recently. Years of beating ‘small portions’ into my head has trained me to only consume a little bit of food, especially in front of company. But that pizza? My mouth watered as I ate the first two slices, careful not to just shovel it in my face like I used to in high school.
The other part of it is the fact it was a bit nerve-racking eating in front of Jensen again. He’s always had a hearty appetite (comes from manual labor) and never shied away from devouring his food. Even now, sitting next to him with so much left unsaid, leaves a slight flutter in my belly and makes it hard to eat. He’s not intimidating, per se, but mostly just makes me a little uneasy. Like when you’re eating in front of some dignitary. You’re constantly afraid you’ll dribble food down your chin or slurp your soup too loudly. You spend the meal trying to behave to the extreme, focusing completely on being polite and worrying about making sure you don’t have spinach in your teeth.
That’s how it feels to eat with Jensen again.
“Can you come to the park with us tomorrow? We’re going to play baseball and run the bases!” Max grins from across the table, his wide eyes full of wonder and excitement.
“Oh, uh, I’m not sure what I have going on tomorrow,” I answer, knowing that’s a lie. I had planned to tackle the living room tomorrow, complete with airing out the house since the construction workers won’t be there.
Max doesn’t say anything, just nods his head. He looks so much like his dad with his assessing, serious eyes that sparkle like sapphires when he smiles. A pang of longing hits directly in my chest, causing a hitch in my breath.
“Well, I should head home. Thank you, again, for allowing me to join you,” I say, sliding out of the booth and grabbing my purse. I reach for the bill for my to-go pizza and salad, but before I can grasp the slip of paper, Jensen snatches it up and grins victoriously.
“I’ve got it,” he says, taking his own ticket off the table as well.
“No,” I insist. “You don’t have to do that.”
He stands up beside me, my eyes darting upward to meet his. “I want to. What are friends for?” he asks, but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes.
Friends? We haven’t been friends in years, more than a decade, actually. The last time we spoke, it was about post-graduation plans and his summer job. Friends don’t leave in the middle of the night and never return a call. Friends don’t walk away from someone they love without so much as a goodbye.
No, I was the worst friend in the world.
He deserved better.
“Thank you,” I rasp over my too-dry throat, blinking away the threat of tears.
Jensen helps Max out of the booth and heads toward the front counter. He pulls two twenties from his wallet and tells them to keep the change as the tip. Then, with his son’s hand tucked in his, he exits the restaurant, holding the door open for me as we go.
Outside, the air is warm and slightly sticky. There was a touch of humidity coming from the ocean today, something I didn’t miss while in New York. Actually, that may have been the only thing I didn’t miss while I way away.
He stops on the sidewalk, a signal this is goodbye. Part of me doesn’t want tonight to end. Part of me wants to hang on to this olive branch of friendship we’ve extended with both hands, but part of me knows there’s no going back, not when hearts are involved. “Thanks for the pizza,” I say lamely, holding my leftover food tightly in my hand.
“You’re welcome.” His eyes watch every move I make, and I can’t help but wonder if he can still read my thoughts like he so easily did back when we were young.
I glance down at his mini-me and offer him a smile. “Max, it was lovely to meet you,” I say, extending my hand and shaking his much smaller and slightly sticky one.
“Bye, Kate! Come play with us soon!”
I can’t help but smile. It’s a lovely thought, really, but saddening at the same time since I know I’ll probably never play with this little boy. “Thank you for the invite. Enjoy your evening,” I reply. My eyes connect with Jensen’s before I slowly turn and walk away.
“Hey, Kate?” Just the sound of his voice saying my name again does things to my heart.
“Yes?” I ask, turning back around to face him.
He opens his mouth, but quickly closes it. He watches me for a few seconds before finally saying, “I’ll see ya soon.”
Nodding quickly, I turn back around and head to where I left my car, all the while wondering what it was he was going to say. That’s the problem with us, really. So much to say, yet no words are spoken.
As I climb into my car, I can’t help but wonder—when will I see him again? Probably at the house when he comes to work, silly. You did hire him to do a job. But that doesn’t stop the kernel of hope popping to life, the deep-rooted longing starting to bud. At the end of the day, Jensen and I will never have what we had before, but what if we gave that whole friends thing a chance? I mean, I haven’t had a real friend in I don’t know how long. Sure, it may be uncomfortable, but what’s a little awkwardness between former lovers? Maybe, just maybe, I’ll see him and Max again when it’s not work related.
A woman can hope.
