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I would be fine as long as she was safe.
* * *
An hour later, I watched Lily and Con pledge their love and devotion to one another in a haze. It was all so beautiful. The fairy tale bride with spun gold hair and the pure white dress looking up at the handsome, dark-haired prince. The bridesmaids in blush pink. It wasn’t lost on me that their gazes kept straying past the couple to fall on the four groomsmen. I didn’t blame them. If there had ever been a more devastating and distinguished wedding party, I hadn’t yet seen it.
If I hadn’t been in such a daze, the contrast would have amused me. The eyes of the bridesmaids were bright with happy tears, their smiles wide over their pearly teeth. The groomsmen, on the other hand, all looked faintly bemused, like they couldn’t quite believe they were lined up behind Con, that one of their own was really getting married.
Landon’s face was impossible to read, of course. I kept hoping he would look over at me during the vows. That our eyes would lock while those immortal words were read and my horrible, overwhelming doubts would be put to rest. But he never did. He stayed facing forward, his mouth a flat line.
After Con kissed Lily longer than necessary to seal the ceremony and the officiant pronounced them husband and wife, the wedding party filed out. Now Landon did find me, his eyes glinting with amusement when he saw Emma nearly bouncing out of her seat, waving at him with excitement.
Though the ceremony was over, we still didn’t see much of him. He was taking pictures, and then the guests were seated for dinner, but the wedding party entered last. By the time he finally was able to join our table, it was nearly Emma’s bedtime.
“What a long day,” Landon muttered, sinking into the chair on the other side of Emma’s. He had the harassed look of a man who had been forced to take a hundred more pictures than he’d ever taken in his lifetime.
I smiled, trying to summon some warmth. I couldn’t do it though. I felt like there was more than just a chair between us. There was our history, for one, which seemed like it was repeating itself despite my best efforts. Here I was in love with him all over again. Had I ever stopped loving him? Would I ever be able to?
I didn’t know.
We ate dinner and made small talk with the other guests at our table, but they only had a small fraction of my attention. The rest of it was focused inward, seeing years of loving this hard, impenetrable man unfurl before me. Years of craving him and nearly being sated by what he could offer, but not quite. It would take a long time to starve to death on this diet of almost enough, but if I stayed, I would starve all the same.
“What’s wrong?” Landon asked, frowning at me. I realized that the dinner dishes had been cleared. Con and Lily were having their first dance. Somehow, I had missed it all. And I also realized that my expression was so bleak that even the other people at the table were eying me with concern.
“Nothing,” I managed. “I’m just tired. Jet lag.”
Landon studied me, unconvinced. “Come on,” he said as the first dance ended and more couples began walking toward the floor. “Let’s dance.”
The last thing I wanted to do was be held against him and feel myself get helplessly sucked into him again. “What about Emma?” I hedged.
Landon nodded toward the wall. I saw a man standing against it, his gaze politely averted, but his attention unmistakably focused on us. Undoubtedly one of his security team.
Reluctantly, I followed Landon out to the dance floor, hoping that a fast song would come on. No such luck. Con and Lily were wrapped up in each other’s arms, looking like they never wanted to let each other go. The wedding coordinator would probably order the band to only play ballads.
“What’s wrong?” Landon asked again, drawing me close and pitching his voice underneath the music.
I shook my head.
“Tell me, Cami. Your poker face is non-existent.”
I didn’t want to. I didn’t know how to put it into words. I didn’t know if it even made sense, but Landon wouldn’t take no for an answer. It all came tumbling out. All the confusion, all thefear, not just for my life but for my heart if I stayed with him.
And then, when I was done, Landon said impatiently, “Is that all?”
I stared up at him. “What do you meanis that all?”
Landon looked vaguely irritated. “It’s just a fucking wedding, Cami. It doesn’t mean what we have isn’t real too. If it matters so much to you, let’s get married.”
At his words, my heart stuttered. I held my breath as I waited for it to swell with joy. Here was Landon Campbell, love of my life, saying we should get married. But instead, my heart cracked. Though I’d never admit it to Casey, I’d pictured this proposal a dozen times in a dozen different ways.
But never once had I imagined him tossing it off like he was swatting away an irritating fly.
I laughed brokenly. Landon frowned. “Isn’t that what you want?” he asked, the impatience still shading his voice. “Come on, Cami. I’m not a mind reader.”
“It’s what I wantedyouto want,” I managed to say, but he couldn’t hear me over the music.
“What?” He cast an irritated look at the band, as though they were to blame for him being in this situation.
I opened my mouth but found I couldn’t repeat the words. I couldn’t offer my heart up on a plate like this. Not when his were so cavalier, when he was so annoyed by it all.
