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He smiles. He pulls out of me and flips me on my stomach, pulling me onto my knees.
“Even your ass is perfect. Has anybody ever been in your ass?”
“No.”
He thrusts into me again, making me gasp. He grabs onto my breasts and thrusts into me over and over. His breathing is ragged, and it’s so sexy.
I cry out again in another orgasm. My walls pulsate around his cock, bringing him to the edge.
“Fuck, Stella…oh God.”
That’s the sexiest sound I’ve heard. Hearing him call out my name in pleasure does something to me. He kissed me quickly.
Getting up to dispose of the condom in the wastebasket, he says, “Was that good for you?”
“Better than good, but, yes, it was good.”
“Better than Chase?”
Rolling my eyes, I say, “Much.”
He climbs into my bed and pulls me to him.
Trying to push him away, “I don’t do this. You’ll need to go.”
“You and your damn rules. I’m not going anywhere.”
I give in for now and nuzzle into his chest, his amazing chest. He’s so well defined, his body is perfect. Much to my surprise, I felt warm and secure in his arms.
Pulling my chin up, he kisses me.
I whisper, “You should go. I don’t sleep with anyone.”
“Why can’t you just admit that you’re enjoying this.”
“Because it has to be only sex.”
“I don’t want a relationship either. I’m just enjoying you.”
“Ok.”
I drift off to sleep for the first time in a very long time in someone’s arms. I feel safe and that feeling makes me feel very unsafe. I tell myself, only sex. It’s just sex because I’m simply not capable of more than that right now, or ever. I wake up at three a.m. and Jamie is wrapped around me. This can’t be. What am I doing? I cannot allow this to happen.
Waking Jamie up I told him, “You have to go.”
“Again? Damn it Stella. What is your problem?”
This is dangerous for me. I keep that to myself, though.
“I’m sorry. Please go. I won’t see you again.”
He gets dressed with such anger in his eyes. He’s pissed. I don’t date. I have rules for a good reason.
* * *
I didn’t date in high school either. I also didn’t have any male friends except one, Paul. He wanted to date me back then, but we settled on being friends. Even back then, I knew I was far too damaged to give anything to anyone beyond sex. Paul, or Dr. Paul as everyone calls him now, is just the person who you can tell anything to. I believe it’s his gift. He made it his mission to become a psychiatrist, but not just any psychiatrist one that could help people like me. Paul decided after talking to me he would specialize in sexual trauma.
I check my text messages after hearing a notification.
