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“You’re right, you’re not.” She leaned forward and kissed my nose. “You’re a handsome boy who’s just learning about yourself, that’s all.”
“But I want to be strong like Dad and Derek. I want to be better than me.”
“Strong? Jax Kilter, you’re the strongest boy I know,” she promised, nuzzling her nose to mine. “You know what makes you strong?”
“What?”
“Your heartbeats. The way you love animals and don’t want anything bad to happen to them. The way you say please and thank you. The way you hold doors open for people. The way you laugh out loud when reading a funny book and reread the parts out loud so I can laugh, too. The way you share your favorite jokes with me. The way you love your mama.” She smiled. “You might be the strongest boy I’ve ever known, and one day you’re going to be the strongest man, too. Don’t let your father get to you. You’re not any less of a man just because you aren’t like him or your brother.”
I wanted to believe her, but it was hard.
“Do you know you’re my best friend, Jax?” she asked.
I knew. I figured she just said it because she had to, but she was my best friend, too.
Mom was my only friend, other than Kennedy. She was always looking out for me, even when I knew she wasn’t. No matter what, Mom was always there for me.
“I love you, Mom.”
“I love you, too, Jax. Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“What would you think if you, Derek, and me got our own place?”
My eyes widened. “Without Dad there?”
She frowned and nodded her head. I saw tears fill her eyes. “Yeah. I think it would be good for us. I’m getting my landscaping business up and running soon, and you can be my righthand man to help me out. We can start a new life without your father. Of course, he’d always be in your life, Jax, but we’d just have our own place to stay.”
“You’re leaving Cole?”
I looked up to see Derek standing in the doorway with panic in his eyes.
Mom stood from the bed and walked over to him. “Derek, nothing has been decided yet and—”
“You can’t leave him! You can’t do this. I already lost a dad, and you can’t make me do it again. I’m not going. I’m staying here with Cole.”
“Calm down, Derek. Nothing has been deci—”
“It’s because of him, isn’t it?” he asked, gesturing toward me. “It’s because he’s a freak. I know that’s why you and Cole fight all the time.”
“Derek!” Mom hissed. “Don’t you dare speak about your brother like that!”
“Why not? You know it’s true. You treat him like he’s not a weirdo when he is. Cole’s right—he is a little bitch.”
Mom gripped Derek by the arm, not tightly, but firmly. “Apologize to your brother right now.”
“Why? I’m just telling the truth.”
“Derek,” she scolded, but he didn’t let up. Mom dropped her hold on his arm and pointed out the door. “Go to your bedroom, and don’t for a second think about going to football practice for the rest of the week. You’re grounded.”
“What? No way! We have a game on Friday, and if I’m not at practices, I can’t play.” He groaned as his face reddened in anger.
“You should have thought about that before speaking about your brother that way.”
“This fucking sucks,” he muttered, stomping away in irritation.
“Make that two weeks!” Mom hollered. Shortly after that, Derek’s bedroom door slammed shut.
