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Mama’s hands and ankles were shackled, and that broke my heart. She looked skinnier than she had before she’d gone in, which was very concerning, seeing as how Mama was already skinny to begin with. She was skin and bones minus the baby bump. I wondered what they were feeding her. If they were looking after her, seeing as how she was probably going through withdrawal from her drug usage too. She looked bizarre in the face. Dark circles sat under her eyes, and her skin was paler than normal, as if she’d been sick for days. Her hair was wild, tangled and knotted as if she hadn’t cared enough to run her fingers through it, and her lips were chapped and split open.
Did they not have lip balm for the inmates? Not even petroleum jelly or something?
Oh my gosh. What had I done?
I’d thought turning Charlie in was the safest option for her, and after she’d gotten busted, too, I’d tried to convince myself that her being locked up was good for her, because she couldn’t get into any more trouble. I’d thought she’d look a little better than when I’d last saw her, battered and bruised from Charlie’s hand. But truthfully, Mama looked even worse than before. She looked broken in a way I hadn’t known humans could crack. She was shattered to her core.
And it was all my fault.
It wasn’t supposed to go like this.
She sat down across from me, and when her eyes locked with mine, tears flooded my stare. She looked so dead in the eyes—as if any light that was left inside her had been drained away.
“Hey, Mama,” I whispered, my voice pained as I watched her skinny fingers fidget together, same way mine had. I wiggled around in my seat and tried my best to push out a broken smile. “How are you doing?”
What a stupid question, though I wasn’t sure what else I could’ve said to her. What did you say to the woman you loved more than life, yet who you were also responsible for locking away?
She huffed at my question and looked away, picking a corner of the table to focus her stare on.
“Craziest shit,” she murmured, shaking her head. “I’ve been trying and trying to figure out how we got caught, you know? Nobody knew about the drop location except Charlie, me, Garrett, and ...” She turned her stare back to me and tilted her head in a knowing way. “Garrett stopped by and told me that you had something to do with this.”
Tears burst out of my eyes, and I covered my mouth as her eyes pierced into me. “I’m sorry, Mama,” I cried, feeling every rush of emotion shooting through me. “I didn’t think you would be there. I thought it would only be Charlie.”
“Why would you do that to him?”
“Because he’s a monster. He was going to kill you. He was going to kill you, Mama.”
“He would never hurt me,” she sneered, shooting me looks of hatred.
Hatred. My mother, the only woman I’d ever loved, stared at me with so much hatred that I instantly began to hate myself.
“But he did, Mama. He hurt you time and time again, and I couldn’t keep watching it happen. I couldn’t let him do it to you.” I sniffled and brushed my hand beneath my nose. “I know this isn’t perfect, but after this, when you’re done with your time, we can start over. You’ll be clean, and I’ve been saving up some money for us to get our own place. We can go anywhere in the States. We can start over, Mama. We can build a new beginning and—”
“I took the fall,” she whispered, making me raise an eyebrow.
“What?”
“For all of it. I took the fall for Charlie. He’ll be out soon, and I’ll be in here for much longer.”
My heart began shattering into a million pieces. “What? No. Mama, you can’t do that! You can’t take the blame for—”
“He’s my soul!”she barked my way. “Everything I am is because of him, and I’d do anything to protect him.”
That made my heart shatter completely. She was so warped in her mind about what love was and how it looked, how it worked, that she truly would go out of her way, give away her own life, for a man who didn’t give a damn about her at all. She was right about one thing, though. Everything she was was due to that man. Her messed-up mind, her jaded lifestyle, it all existed because Charlie had poisoned her soul with his toxicity.
“But Mama—”
“I hate you,” she sneered, the words hitting me like bullets to the chest. “I hate everything you are, and I never want to see you again. I wish I would’ve had the abortion when I had the chance. Being your mother has made me miserable. You’re no daughter to me.”
“No.” I shook my head. “You don’t mean that. I know you’re upset and hurting, but Mama, I love you. I did this for you, to protect you.”
“You ruined my life. You ruined me, and I hope your life from here on out is a living hell. I hate you.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks at an impossible speed, and I didn’t even bother wiping them away. I reached across to her to grab her hands in hope of her feeling my warmth, feeling my love, feeling me.
She pulled away before I had the chance.
“Guard, I’m ready to go back.” She got to her feet and gave me a harsh glare as her hands fell to her stomach. “At least this time, the baby will take after her father,” she stated, making my mind flip sideways. “And Charlie will be able to take care of the kid once it’s born, no thanks to you. Maybe this one won’t be such a disappointment.”
