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That was the month’s recap.
In the living room, on the kitchen countertop, on the beach, in the shower. Every inch of that house had Stella’s body pressed against mine. Each time I made love to her, I swore it felt as if she was promising me forever.
I hope she felt the promises I was silently making, too.
I never had forever, but now all I wanted was it with her.
She began working at her studio in the evenings, and I couldn’t have been happier for her. Some days, I’d take my laptop to the studio to work on my projects because I loved being able to watch her in her element. We hardly talked on those nights, but just being around her made the visits worth it.
Milo was beyond the perfect companion for me. When I looked at him each day, it blew my mind that anyone could’ve hurt the sweet guy or even thought about ending his life because he was a bit difficult to train.
He and I had a lot in common. We’d both been burned, but somehow, we managed to let love in again. I blamed Stella for that ability—finding the saddest souls and reminding them what love looked like, felt like.
Stella and I kept our conversations growing, too. On a Sunday morning, we lay in bed with one another after yet another round of sex, and I held her in my arms. I’d sometimes notice that even though she was comfortable with me and my hands against her body, she still seemed to have a bit of discomfort with herself.
“You can talk to me about it, you know,” I told her. “Your discomforts. Any issues you’re dealing with.”
She tilted her head a little to meet my stare. “You’re that good at reading me, huh?”
“I have a gift.”
Stella shrugged and waved it off. “I’m just too emotional. So, whenever sad thoughts come up, I push them way, way down. It’s super healthy,” she joked.
I didn’t laugh.
“Do you ever allow yourself to be sad? And I mean for an extended period. After you lost Kevin, you were cracking jokes. Or after the stuff with Jeff, you pushed off really facing your feelings and went into holiday mode. So, do you let yourself sit in your sadness?”
“Gosh, no. That sounds awful. I know staying sad doesn’t do much, so I am for happiness.”
“That’s not healthy.”
She laughed. “Depression isn’t either. I’d choose happiness over sadness any day.”
“But it’s just a fake happiness. Besides, I think there can be beauty in sadness. You have to allow yourself to feel it for a while. You have to allow yourself to feel all emotions whenever they come up. Otherwise, they all get messed up.”
“Speaking from experience?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “I used to push not only sadness down deep, but happiness, too. I was numb to all feelings until I hit my breaking point. It’s like a dam, though. You’re building a dam to keep your emotions in. Trust me, each time you surpass your emotions, the dam cracks a little. Then over time, it completely crashes.”
She nervously bit her bottom lip. “I don’t know if I’m ready to feel it all yet.”
“That’s fine. Just be aware that the dam can break, then it’s overwhelming.”
“Did yours ever break?” she asked.
“Yes.”
“When?”
“I was sixteen years old. I tried to end my life.”
Her eyes widened, and she sat up in shock. “Oh my goodness, Damian…”
“It’s okay,” I soothed her, seeing the tears hit her eyes. “I’m still here. I got past it. But, when those emotions hit, I felt so overwhelmed that they almost ended me. I don’t want that for you. Feel your feelings, Stella…even the hard ones.”
She lay back down, and I pulled her into me. She snuggled in close as her head rested against my chest. “Damian?”
“Yes?”
