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“Slow your mind.”
She smiled and took a breath. “Yeah, you’re right. Everything’s fine. Everything’s okay. I should just get some rest. I’m exhausted.”
A heavy amount of unease filled my gut as I lay beside her. I knew this feeling because I’d felt it a million times before. The feeling that an unspoken shift was happening. Something about Stella was different, and I couldn’t possibly pinpoint what it had been.
“Are you okay?” I asked her.
“Yes,” she said, turning away from me and onto her side.
I placed my hand against her arm and slightly rolled her over so I could see her eyes. Those brown, brown eyes…
“Are we okay?” I questioned.
Then I saw it.
It was a sliver of a second. A slice of time that most would have missed, but I did not. I saw the shift in her stare and the unstableness of the moment before she blinked it away and pushed out a smile. “Yes,” she said, leaning in to kiss my cheek. “We are.”
I kissed her forehead. “I love you,” I choked out, feeling as if the weight of the world was sitting against my chest.
“I love you, too,” she whispered back as she melted into her pillow.
That broke my heart because her I love you felt more like a goodbye.
I hated how good I was at spotting goodbyes.
38
Damian
Sixteen Years Old
“He’s such a weirdo,”Kyle said as I sat in the dining room of the group home. I was minding my own business because that was what I did best—minded my own fucking business.
People went out of their way to push me over the edge. Over the years, I’d learned quickly not to get too close to others. All I did was keep to myself and work on my photographer skills. My social worker Ms. Kelp bought me a camera a few years back, and every week she’d develop my photographs at the local drugstore, and then she’d sit with me and flip through the photographs.
It felt stupid, but truthfully, Ms. Kelp was the only consistent thing in my life throughout the years. It became pathetic when the closest person in your life was just there because it was her job. Ms. Kelp told me it was different with us, though. That we had a connection.
I didn’t really believe in connections much anymore after being disconnected from others a handful of times. After my last placement, I didn’t get chosen to stay with any other families. It wasn’t a shock. The older you get in the foster system, the fewer chances there were to be picked up. You get too old. You’re not as cute. And your trauma? It’s loud and clear.
“Go take that from him,” Kyle instructed one of his followers to bother me. I glanced over to them and grimaced. Already annoyed. It was a pain in the ass that they thought it was okay to gang up on me. I didn’t bother a soul. I didn’t even speak. They truly went out of their way to make my life hell.
I started gathering up my photographs and camera. I knew the moment they made it up in their minds to bother me that some of my photos would be messed up. So, I was going to go hide in a back room or closet until they got over it all.
I picked up my stuff and hurried off, but they started chasing me right away. I ran into the closest closet and slammed the door shut before they could get me. They all shouted to let them in, and I pulled on the door handle as tight as I could. I couldn’t let them near my pictures. Ms. Kelp was coming later today to give me more photographs she went to develop last time.
Soon enough, the guys said screw it and headed off. I waited a while before I thought I was in the clear. I pushed against the door, and it wouldn’t open. Something was blocking it. I pushed again, and nothing.
My heart began to race in my chest as panic started forming in me. I began slamming my body against the door.
I kept throwing my body against it, but nothing budged. Somehow, the dark closet was becoming darker and darker with each moment that passed. I hated the dark. I hated it so much. I sat in the corner of the space and pulled my knees into my chest. My fingernails began digging into my wrists as I clawed at my skin. I rocked back and forth, unable to get out of my own head.
What if they didn’t let me out? What if they didn’t come back? What if no one noticed I was missing?
Over two hours passed, and I wasn’t let out.
When the door finally opened, Ms. Kelp was standing there, staring at me with concerned eyes. “Damian, what are you doing in here?”
I looked up at her with widened eyes. My heart was still racing as my nails were dug deep into my wrists. They were bleeding from the back and forth scratching I’d done.
