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“My son,” she replied, holding me tight.
I wasn’t certain who needed the hug more, me or her, but we held one another for a few minutes. When she fell apart, I was there to hold her, and I needed her to know that I’d always be there for her, in her corner, for the rest of my life. Maybe unlike my father, I didn’t stand at an altar and make those vows to her, but I held them close to my heart. The moment my mother chose me as hers, I chose her as mine. From my first steps to my last, I would always be her son, and I was the lucky jerk who would always have her as my mother.
Once she pulled herself to a more stable state, we separated our embrace. She wiped at her eyes, then placed her hands in her lap and said, “You know the worst part of it all?”
“What’s that?”
“I can’t hate your father. I want to, God knows what that man has put me through over the years, but I can’t… because I know what would’ve happened if I found out the truth all those years ago. I would’ve left him. He knew that, too. And, if that happened, if I would’ve left your father when I found out he got another woman pregnant, I would’ve never become your mother. That thought breaks my heart because the greatest part of my life, has been becoming your mom. I would go through all this again if it led me to you.”
The new year came in,and I was having a hard time feeling festive. I had to leave Leeks soon enough to start filming, and I felt like my world was still upside down. Dad, or Samuel, or whatever the heck I was supposed to call him nowadays, kept trying to message me to communicate. Needless to say, he was fired as my manager and fired as my mother’s husband. I was still debating how to cut him loose from the fathership role, too. I wasn’t ready for that conversation. Each time I considered it, I’d talk myself out of it because of my anxiety. I hated confrontations. If it were possible, I wished I could simply ghost my own father, disappearing from his life like I’d never been a part of it.
The more I sat on what he had done, the more pissed off I’d become. The number of times I’d cried to him about Jake as a child. The number of times he’d watched me sit at holiday dinners uncomfortable as Jake was drunk off his ass. The times he’d watch me sit on the front porch with a baseball glove and a ball, waiting for Jake to pick me up, then instead of offering to toss the ball with me, he’d take me inside, set up a camera, and have me film audition pieces.
I was never his son. I was his puppet. I was his meal ticket. I was the dream he’d never discovered himself. It was messed up because he knew I’d do anything to make him happy, so he abused that privilege. He also abused my mother’s love, knowing she’d never leave him because she wanted to give me a stable home.
Samuel Walters was not a good man. And now I knew the blood in his veins coursed through mine. That was doing a number on my thoughts, on my mental health. How could such a liar, such a conman, be the same as me? A part of me would’ve rather taken Jake, because at least I could understand how drugs and alcohol could jade a person’s choices. What I couldn’t understand was Samuel’s darkness. Was it all greed? Selfishness?
It got to the point where I had to hold a conversation with him. Before I could move forward in my life, I needed to close that door with my father.
I met my father at a hotel in Chicago. He’d knew staying in Leeks wouldn’t have been a good idea. I was thankful for him removing himself from town. It would’ve been hard to see him walking around Leeks.
We went down to the restaurant in his hotel and sat down for a cup of coffee. He asked me if I wanted lunch, but I had no desire to stay too long.
I crossed my arms. “I don’t want to drag this out. I just want you to know what’s been going through my head.”
“I’m all ears.”
“My whole life, all I wanted was for you to be my father. I did everything in my power to make you proud of me because I wanted to feel closer to you. I took on an acting career, even when I didn’t want to do it any longer because I saw how much it meant to you. Everything I’ve ever done was because I wanted you to be happy. It breaks my heart knowing that you wouldn’t have done the same for me. You chose yourself day in and day out.”
“That’s not fair, Aiden. You’ve had the greatest life because I fought for you to make it in the acting industry. I went hard for you because—”
“Because you craved being in the industry yourself, and you used me to get as close as you could. Don’t pretend that you did any of this for me.”
“So, you’re truly saying I’m a selfish asshole, huh? Is that what you truly believe? After having me in your life for twenty-three years?”
I shook my head. “I don’t have any words to describe what I think you are. I just know I don’t want to be a part of it.”
He grimaced. “Then why show up here? Why come talk to me?”
“Because I wanted to look into your eyes and tell you straight out that I’m taking a note out of your book. I am choosing myself from this point on. I wanted it to be clear that this relationship between us is over, and I don’t wish to drag it out. You’re free to go on and chase any dream you might have in your life. You just no longer get to use me to have them come true.”
With that, I closed the biggest chapter of my life as I walked away from the man who raised me, the man who brought me into the world. Even as I walked away, though, my heart still felt heavy.
It turned out that closure didn’t always feel good. Sometimes, it just felt so uncomfortably final.
44
Aiden
Every pieceof me felt a bit off-kilter since I’d faced my father. I didn’t know who to turn to, but somehow, a certain person knew how to show up exactly when I needed them the most.
“Hello, brother.”
Damian Blackstone was standing on my front porch, dressed all in black.
How the hell did Damian Blackstone find out where I lived?
“Damian. What are you doing here?” I asked, stunned to find him standing in front of me. “How did you find me?”
