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I stop by the side of the road, the whoosh of my tires against the arrow straight road still buzzing in my ears, and my face tingling in the sudden absence of the breeze, and dial his mobile. He has his own phone, it’s one of the perks of being a member of a notorious biker gang in prison, but I’m not supposed to call it, just in case there’s a new guard around who doesn't know how things work yet. I’m making an exception today.
“Son, it’s early,” he says groggily as he answers.
“I know,” I reply. “I’m on my way to the Shallow Creek reservation. And I just thought you should know that.”
He gasps and I can just picture him sitting up arrow straight in his bed. As straight as this road stretching out before me which I’m not backtracking on no matter what he says.
“Eagle, that’s a stupid idea,” he says. “Go back.”
“It wasn’t my idea,” I say, still wishing it was. “Cross sent me to make sure Lily’s alright.”
His gasp this time is mostly surprise, I think.
“He did?”
“Yeah, and I’m thinking you best give me some pointers on how to behave there, so I don’t step on any toes and whatnot. And tell me who my relatives are. You know, just general stuff you could’ve told me plenty of times before now.”
I couldn’t help myself uttering that little jab.
He exhales loudly, probably through his nose. “I was trying to protect you as best I can from in here. And, well, yes, it was wrong of me to deny you your heritage. I struggled with that some, but keeping you in Cross’ good graces seemed more important. Maybe one day, when you have your own children, you’ll understand.”
Yeah, that’s as good of an apology as I’m ever gonna get out of him. I don’t need more.
“So, what? Are they gonna kill me on sight if I show up there? Seeing as I’m not from their tribe or whatever?”
He laughs. “Don’t be dramatic. You have family in Shallow Creek. My cousin Dan lives there, Dan Runs Above, and Miriam and Lora, my other cousins. And Ariana married a guy from Shallow Creek. She’s your aunt.”
“Your sister?” I ask sharply. I grew up thinking I had no blood relatives except him left in the world.
“I’m not gonna keep apologizing,” he snaps, equally sharply. “I did what I thought was—“
“Best for me, yes, I got it,” I finish his sentence for him. “Any more close relatives I should know about?”
“You’ll have to ask them,” he says, sounding a little sad, or something in that vein. “I lost touch with all of them decades ago. And there’s no point changing that now. But you give them my best.”
Damn, I hate it how these conversations with my dad always end up in the same hopeless place.
“You take care of yourself there, Eagle,” he says after clearing his throat. “You’ll see a lot of drunk folk and a lot a poverty. A lot of people who have nothing left to lose. So pick your fights carefully. And don’t start any you can’t finish.”
“Just your standard advice then,” I say and chuckle.
“Yeah, I know, you can take care of yourself,” he says and chuckles too. “I assume I won’t see you for awhile, so call me from time to time, let me know how you’re doing.”
I promise him I will and feel no urge to keep reminding him he should’ve told me all this long before now. I just say goodbye and feel better for having done it.
Some good might come of him withholding all this information from me. I could tell Lily I’ve come to visit my own family there. But that’d be a lie and I’m no good at lying to her. She sees right through me whenever I try. Plus, whatever happens between us from here on out, I’m not gonna start it off on a lie.
10
LILY
Soon after Tinaleft last night, I took all my stuff to the tiny room just beyond the kitchen and lay down on the narrow bottom bunk bed in there. My mattress was lumpy, slightly damp, and stank of mildew, and the one on the top bunk bulged down at me, since Tina’s using it as storage space. I felt very alone with the wind howling and the dogs barking outside. As alone as I felt in my own bunk bed in my grandparents’ trailer after they were gone. Alone and cold. I remember that too. I felt very alone after my mother returned to take care of me too. That consisted of her dropping me on Cross’ doorstep. I felt very alone at Sanctuary too, in the beginning, but that faded fast.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.That’s what Cross would’ve told me if he heard me wallowing in those thoughts.You’re tough and you’re where you’ve always wanted to go. Deal with it.He’d say something along those lines too, I’m sure.
And reminding myself of that worked to let me sleep.
I didn’t hear Tina come in, but she’s opening and closing the kitchen cabinets, clanking with the cups and pots and cursing as she tries to light a fire of some sort. A few moments later the smell of fresh brewed coffee comes in through the wide crack under the door of my room, overpowering all the other, not so pleasant odors in this room.
