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Truth is, none of what he said is true.
Especially not the part about my songs getting better. I haven’t written a new song worth a damn since he’s been gone. In one way or another, he has inspired more than half the songs I’ve written. No one knows me like he does. He knows my deepest desires, fantasies and needs, all of which I could always safely explore with him. Complete surrender, complete bliss, complete acceptance and understanding. We’re cast from the same mold, two parts of a whole, and I’m not sure how I’ve kept on breathing since he’s been gone.
He’s not just gone. He’s in prison. Didn’t want to see me when I went to visit him, won’t take my calls and hasn’t replied to any of my letters.
And even if he wasn’t locked up, he couldn’t exactly come back. When he left, he didn’t leave on good terms with anyone. And then he lured the VP's son Chance on a job that got both of them arrested. Which led directly to all the other deadly crap that came after.
So screw him and screw this sorrow shrouding everything and everyone I love now.
Mom and Dad are standing at the side of the driveway as I get in the car and I wave to them one last time through the rolled down window, then head for the first stop on my tour in Seattle, Washington. The route I’ve planned out will take me all the way to Memphis—the home of the blues and the place that’s been a dream of mine to perform in, since I picked up my guitar almost fifteen years ago now—before circling back to California to make my way back home. Jax and I had planned to make a little detour to Mexico along the way for some R&R on the beach, but that’s off now. Or maybe not. Maybe I’ll go there alone too.
So what if I have to do it all alone?
As much as I love all my MC brothers and sisters—the kids of the other members that I’ve known since birth—I like being alone. It’s only when I’m alone that I can hear the songs in my heart.
Jax is the only person who ever truly changed that for me. The only person who made the songs louder and brighter and easier to capture. But now he’s gone.
I asked Dad not to send any of his MC brothers after me for protection, and he promised me he won’t. And as I exit the town, heading down one of the winding country lanes that I’ve gotten to know like the back of my hand over the years, from driving them alone and riding them on the back of Jax’s bike, no one follows.
So maybe he’ll stay true to his word.
Maybe I’ll really get the freedom from everything and everyone that I need.
I have my dream to chase and catch.
If I let things hold me back any longer, it might just disappear out of reach.
* * *
The weight that’s been resting on my shoulders and chest slowly starts lifting as the tires of my station wagon eat up the miles between my home and away. The summer air whooshing in through my open windows is alive with so many scents I can’t even name them all, but it carries with it the sense of the wide open world that’s waiting for me just beyond these forested hills I grew up in.
This is the beginning of my new life. I hope.
It’s definitely the start of a new chapter in my life. Or a new song, as I prefer to think of it.
I stop as I reach the summit of the last hill before I turn onto the highway. I’m not completely sure what made me hit the brakes. Maybe it was the thought of leaving it all behind that suddenly pulled me back. But I don’t think that’s it. I think I just need to say one last goodbye to it all.
The summit is clear of trees, yet the valley below is completely covered in them. They sway in the wind, giving off that tangy yet sweet smell of my childhood. In the distance I can just about make out the rooftops of my hometown—Pleasantville. I ignore the four picnic tables and walk right to the edge of the hill. On my right there’s the road leading back home. On my left is the one I’m taking.
The rumbling of a Harley—the sound I’ve been vaguely aware of trailing me all the way here and thought was just a part of my saying goodbye to it all—grows louder and louder, until the screeching of breaks and crunching of gravel and rock leaves just its echo.
I turn to see Hunter dismounting his bike. He takes off his helmet and runs his hand through his wavy hair, grinning at me as he walks over. He’s a gorgeous man, tall and fit, though skinnier now than he used to be. But he’s getting back on his feet after what happened, I can see that too, even though his smile doesn’t light up his eyes the same way it used to. Once upon a time, I had the biggest crush on Hunter, along with most of the girls I know, but that was before he met Trixie. And I Jax. Everyone thinks she’s all wrong for him, but I know that no other woman will ever get close to his heart. I knew it back when they first met too.
Besides, Jax is a much better fit for me. The perfect fit actually. But there’s no use dwelling on that anymore.
“Now, before you get mad,” Hunter says as he reaches me and grins even wider. “I know you want to do this alone, but I how can I let you play your first gig away from home without a familiar face in the audience?”
I’m not mad. I’m actually very happy to see him. But we’ve already had this discussion. Last night, in fact, when I invited everyone for a drink so I could say a proper goodbye.
“I’m heading in your direction anyway,” Hunter adds. “So we might as well ride together for a while. Right?”
I step away from the edge and head for one of the tables, sitting on the edge of it. Hunter follows, wincing slightly as he sits down next to me. He’s not completely healed yet.
“You sure you should be riding so soon?” I ask to avoid answering his question.
He shrugs and looks off into the distance, at the rooftops of our hometown, which we’re both clearly eager to leave behind.
“I need some time on my own to figure shit out,” he says. “I can heal on the way.”
